passionateslave (passionateslave) wrote in _survivors_,


i'm 18, live in Michigan. i don't really know what to write here. i guess i just need people who understand.

i was raped on February 13th. i had a rape kit done (though reluctantly) and went to the police (unwillingly). Court was yesterday, May 12th. the preliminary trial, anyway. He was bound over, and they added a second count (because there was both vaginal and anal penetration). i know i should feel better... knowing that he's probably going to pay for it, that even if he doesn't get convicted, atleast he can have a tiny tiny taste of the agony that i have gone through, the fear, the uncertainty, the sleepless nights.

all i feel is worse. i didn't cry during the testimony, which surprised me. i didn't cry until i walked out. all of his family was in there, even though they were asked to leave. i didn't have anyone come in. my parents and fiance wanted to... but i wanted to do it alone. i didn't want them to be there when i talked about it, even though they already know everything. it just seemed like it would make it worse.

the hard part about it too... i have little credibility. see, i'm a submissive in the S/M lifestyle. and that's being used VERY heavily against me.

i just want this to be over. i mean, i want justice, i just.. i want to be able to move on with my life. and i don't feel like i can, knowing that in a matter of months i will be standing in front of a jury begging them to believe what i've been through.

my doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medicine, and put me back on my old anti depressant. and here i sit, ripping apart at the seams, and i want to cry... but i can't. i think its the meds. i dont know. my eyes brim with tears but it just wont go.

just something for everyone else... download the song You Can Still Be Free by Savage Garden. it's definitely helped me a lot... gives me hope that perhaps i won't always be defined by this, that someday a day will go by when i don't see his face, that someday i'll have a dreamless sleep with no nightmares.

::hugs all:: thanks for listening.

Tags: filing a report, rape, rape: anal
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