floridahelp (floridahelp) wrote in _survivors_,

Not a survivor myself...

I created this account simply to protect the identity of my friend while I posted this. I think she would be upset with me if she knew I posted this, but I don't know what else to do. My friend has been raped, brutally twice in the last two and a half years-three years and I just don't know how to help her. I'm going to post more details, just wanted to let you guys know why I was posting. There may be some triggers in here, not being a victim myself I can only guess.

My best friend and the woman I love has been the victim of rape twice in the last two and a half-three years. The first time was to the father of her first child, who she hadn't been with since before her childs birth. He was abusive, physically and emotionally up to when she left. His parents had asked to see the kid, and she agreed with the stipulation that he was not to be there alone with her son. The son did end up being left alone with the father and when she went to go pick him up he brutally raped and beat her (nearly to death), in front of their (he was 2 at the time) son. She got pregnant again from the rape. She was very distraught afterwards, considered aborting the baby, wished every night the baby died (because it reminded her of the rape), until about 6 months into the pregnancy. After that she started beating herself up over having thought about that. She was constantly getting sick from everything that happened, plus being in crappy physical shape (she later had to have a kidney removed probably due to this and the other rape, and is going to have to have the other one removed within a matter of months). The 24th week of the pregnancy the doctors had to induce her because her blood pressure was so high they thought the placenta would rupture and she would bleed to death (I believe that was what it was, it was something with her blood pressure and bleeding to death), the baby died two days later. Since then she has blamed herself for his death because she didn't want him and God knew that. This is of course the furthest thing from the truth. Not only does she suffer from post-traumtic stress syndrome, but (and I think the biggest thing) her health was horrible and I don't think her body could support a baby. The ex-boyfriend ended up getting arrested and convicted of the rape but only after a trial that nearly cost her all her sanity.

A year after the baby died she got pregnant again, with twins (not by me, but by a now ex-boyfriend). She had been going to the cemetary to see her son nearly everyday since he died. This helped her deal with a lot of the pain from him dying. She had just started going to college (she had taken some time off after high school to support her kid) and one of her ex-boyfriend's friends also went there. He started to harrass her about the rape daily. After the rape I guess her ex had taken comprimising pictures of her naked and given them to this friend. The friend started leaving the pictures on her car, even went to her house and left them on her kids playsets in the yard etc. Then one day she was at Wal-Mart and he grabbed her arm and would not let her go. Wherever she went he always seemed to be there (he was definatly stalking her). I told her to get a restraining order against him, but she didn't think he had actually broken a law until then. After about a two weeks of constantly telling her she needed to get a restraining order she finally agreed right before having to go in to have the twins, and she said she would after she got out of the hospital (it ended up that she wouldn't have been able to until Monday). She went in on a Wednesday to have the babies and was released Saturday. That Sunday she went to go see her son at the cemetary again and the ex's friend was there, along with two other friends and they dragged her into the woods, beat her severely, all three raped her and left her in the woods. Her boyfriend went to go look for her hours later and found her in the woods. He took he to the hospital and they did the rape test and got the guys DNA (apparently this wasn't their first conviction) and they all pleaded guilty to rape and attempted murder. She hasn't been able to go to the cemetary since which is making things worse.

She's now taking medication for the Post-Traumatic Stress and has been going to therapy and group therapy (sporadicly). This is not helping and she still has issues with both the rapes and the loss of her child. I know it is going to take time, but she is unwilling to wait and just wants to put everything behind her. She doesn't want to go to therapy or take medication. She won't go to group therapy and has been only about 4 times and says it doesn't work. She keeps saying she's retarded and shouldn't be that upset about all this. Is there anything I can do to help her? Just make her keep going to therapy and taking her medication?

OK, so now I'm done with the back story and the first part of what she's dealing with (and not very. Me and her have been best friends since we were 16-17 (we are now 23). After she broke up with her last boyfriend we've gotten even closer and romanticly involved as well as being best friends. Since November of 2005 (she was still with boyfriend at this time) I've talked to her every night until she's gone to sleep and she's called me if she's had a nightmare, which she now hates doing because she says I don't sleep enough because of it. I'm the only one that can calm her down when she gets upset and she calls me whenever she is (I don't mind at all of course), which she also hates doing because "she doesn't want to upset me". What I used to be able to tell her and calm her down in a matter of minutes doesn't seem to work and can take hours sometimes. I don't mind but she gets sick to her stomach etc during this time which isn't good for her to keep doing. Is this normal or is it a sign of a problem? Further more, she gets upset because she wants to cuddle with me and have sex with me, but she says sometimes she doesn't think she can. I have no problem with this and I've told her that. I've told her it doesn't bother me at all and it's not a big deal. She disagrees and says she wants to a lot, and it's retarded and I'm not them and it shouldn't bother her so much. Is there anything I can tell her to make her feel better? Anything I can do? Sorry that this is so long and thank you for reading it. Please reply with any help you can offer. I don't know what to do anymore and it just feels like she's getting worse and worse, after a long period where she seemed to be getting better (I understand at things like the anniversary she's going to get upset, but after the anniversary of the first one she calmed down rather fast, the same again this year, however, after the anniversary of the second one and the anniversary of the baby dying she seems to have taken a nose dive that she hasn't recovered from).
Tags: abuse: physical, miscarriage, panic attacks, pregnancy, rape: acquaintance/date, rape: intimate partner, rape: multiple assailants, relationships, restraining orders, seeking opinions, seeking support: for a friend

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