thewhitetigress (thewhitetigress) wrote in _survivors_,

Intro with situation explained.

Hello, I am Tigress, and I just joined this community, becuase I really need to talk to someone right now, and my next therapy session isn't for another two weeks. I also don't want to keep leaning on all of my real world people too much.

The first time I was assaulted in any form I was ten years old. I had a computer/gym teacher that physically pushed my and made me run around the building in front of my classmates until I started throwing up blood. He also used to verbally berate me in class, telling me things like, "No girl like you would EVER make it into a Private High School, you're too fat.

I changed schools, and endured more torment as the new kid from classmates. I began to have anorexic tendencies. For three years I did well in junior high, modeled, and was a general over achiever. I made it into that private highschool I so desperately wanted to go to.

When I got there, I met a guy who was a teen peer minister in a youth group when I joined it, and he befriended me. I was fourteen and he was ninteen. He raped me after mass one day, taking me to a house he was house sitting and did all sorts of things to me. He cut my right hip with a knife, and I still have scars there. Before this, I had never even been kissed.

I dealt with these issues on my own for three years because he threatened me in many ways, to hurt me, my little sister, to get me expelled from the School. I hid it until halfway through my junior year. 

When I finally told the school, they assured me he would never be allowed in again, but three weeks later his Youth Band played for an all school mass, and the school counselor questioned my truthfullness about the incident. 

I went to confession, and was told by the priest it was my fault, that I had seduced him. I quit my faith for about a year.

I graduated from The School, and am now studying Opera in the same city. I moved into the dorms my first year, and I was put with a lesbian room mate who did NOT respect my boundaries at all, and my second room mate dealt drugs out of our room. I moved home.

At the time, I began to date the man I had loved since I was thirteen, who was so good in my eyes, I felt I would be worthless in comparison, so I never thought he would actually love me. I dated him for one wonderful year, which ended this past new years.

We discussed marriage, and the next evening I had a new year's party. He was home sick with a headache, but his best friend, the guy who would have been our best man, stayed to help me keep things in control. I drank a lot that night, and in the morning when BM offered to take me to breakfast, I didn't even see it coming. 

He sexually assaulted me, forcing me to suck him off in his car before breakfast. I don't remeber too much of it because of the alcohol and the flash backs I started to have while he was forcing me.  I was so frightened I couldn't resist him, I just did what he told me to do.

He took me home and I cried for hours.

When Ed got home from work, I talked to him about it. He insisted that I cheated on him. We had a chaste relationship, which was hard for me to stick to, and he asked if a warm cock was better than his love. I couldn't call it rape because I had quietly acquieced while crying inside, showing nothing on the outside. 

We had sex for the only time in our whole relationship then. He forced me to go to confession to his priest (he's very catholic, and I was trying to get back into it), and I was fully convinced at the time that it was my fault. After that, we went to the hospital, but first my mother forced me to take the Morning after pill. I took it, figuring that if I didn't take the second dose, I could preserve any life that could have been within me. 

I filed a police report, but he talked to the police in the hallway, and the report was never followed up on. He asked for some space to think about where our relationship would go, and I gave him some time. He said we were okay, but then a day later he left me a message, asking me to meet him and the BM for coffee to get everything hashed out, resolve our differences.

I wouldn't do it. That week I almost sttempted suicide. Instead of taking me to the hospital, my mother locked me in the house for a week, and I languished in my sorrow. 

My best friend recently found the man of her dreams, the guy she might marry, and we're almost like twins. So it figures that her guy reminds me of Ed in so many ways. I've been having these horrible dreams lately, and I have no one to talk to about them. I posted an LJ entry to our old community while I was drunk the other night. I hate myself even more for still loving him, even though I know he's abusive, controlling, and doesn't deserve me. 

Recently, I've been very sick, and I might have cancer (the conclusive test is thursday). I don't want to die with him not knowing the truth, not knowing everything. I'm having lots of nightmares, counterbalanced with some intense insomnia, and I'm afraid I'm slipping into severe Post traumatic stress disorder.

Is this all my fault? Am I crazy, or should he have stood by me? Could all of this be brought on by my interest in a new guy? Am I punishing myself for being ready to date again? Am I as worthless as I feel? ::sigh:: I hate to ask this of strangers, but I need an objective source; Am I an evil person? Did I really betray him? Am I to blame for flashing back while drunk and doing those things with his friend, or am I just a victim yet again? Am I really such a horrible person?

Lately I keep getting these images of suicide in my head, wistful thoughts wbout being dead and not having to do the chemo and other stuff. I keep thinking how nice it would be to not have to get up tomorrow and go take my exams. I can't handle my life right now, and I'm afraid to face it.  I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.

Sorry if it's a bit much for just joining, but I'm really, really having a tough time right now.
Tags: abuse: csa, assault by friend, rape: acquaintance/date, relationships
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