My family went to Mexico that February, and that is when I know things started going bad. I think it happened because I took control away from him once in the bedroom. He was at my mercy, I controlled the sex, and he was terrified of that. So, while I was in Mexico he started sleeping with other girls, just to make sure he was in control. I found out he'd had sex in my bed while I was gone, that he had several girls on the side.
By this time, he had broken me down psychologically so badly that I didn't know what to do. We worked out together and when we'd come home he'd make me strip naked and then he'd critique me. Things like "well, you have your six-pack, but your butt and thighs need work" He'd tell me he didn't want to be seen with me if I wasn't perfect. It was the perfect way to get to me. I have dealt with anorexia since I was 12, and he preyed on that.
We ended up fighting alot. I slapped his face when he was talking to one of his girls on my phone in my house. That opened the door to the violence. Soon after I learned I was pregnant. I made an appointment for an abortion. He knew, and although he thought it was good - we had no money, he tried to convince me to keep it a few times "we could be such a happy family." The night before the abortion, he and I had a huge fight. He pushed me, and smacked me. He threw me into walls (he was 6'0" and a body builder - all natural) and at the worst point grabbed me by the neck, cocked his fist back and snarled "there's more then one way to kill a baby, you know." I told him to go ahead, to save me the trip the next day. Then he tried to throw me down the stairs, but I hit the edge of the door. I ran for the phone, he ripped it out of my hand and broke it by throwing it against the wall. I went for the one in the living room, and he ripped that one out the wall. I finally got the phone from my roommate's room and was on the phone with 911 before he got to me that time. After I had called them he calmed right now and said to me "there was no reason for you to call the cops, we can talk like adults." Yeah, right.
I kicked him out. My best friend went with me to my abortion. It was awful. It hurt, I was awake. They almost didn't do it because of the psych eval. The doctor scared me. The nurse was nice. I was so scared. Terrified. I went home woozy from the drugs that couldn't mask the pain. The next day he came to move out with his parents. It was horrible.
Recently, I thought I was pregnant again. I couldn't deal with it. It triggered the only flashback I have ever had. It was so terrifying.
I am so fortunate that I have such a wonderful, loving husband. He deals with my problems, my insecurities and my fears so well. But he doesn't know what this is like, living like this. I can tell him this stuff, but it doesn't feel like I am letting it out, really. He's supportive and wonderful. But I need to talk now. Thank you for listening.