anaisinme (anaisinme) wrote in _survivors_,

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Hello to all. I am new to the community here. I thought I should take the time to introduce myself. As I am now, I am very happily married to my best friend, currently applying to school again for the fall to finish my BA. I've taken some time off to travel and be with my husband. I was in a volatile relationship, once upon a time, and I feel like it is time for me to talk about it. To get it out. So, for all who care to read, here is my story.

It was just a short relationship - can't have lasted more then 6 months. I was bored, needed something to fill my time. I didn't like him all that much. I couldn't decide if I thought him attractive or not. He asked me once and was rather upset when I was honest and told him as much. The control came in in our sexual relationship. It was a very powerful connection. He was desperate for control. I think he went through some sort of abuse himself. He would always tell me he loved me, and would be hurt and confused when I wouldn't tell him that back. It wasn't true so I wasn't going to tell him so.

My family went to Mexico that February, and that is when I know things started going bad. I think it happened because I took control away from him once in the bedroom. He was at my mercy, I controlled the sex, and he was terrified of that. So, while I was in Mexico he started sleeping with other girls, just to make sure he was in control. I found out he'd had sex in my bed while I was gone, that he had several girls on the side.

By this time, he had broken me down psychologically so badly that I didn't know what to do. We worked out together and when we'd come home he'd make me strip naked and then he'd critique me. Things like "well, you have your six-pack, but your butt and thighs need work" He'd tell me he didn't want to be seen with me if I wasn't perfect. It was the perfect way to get to me. I have dealt with anorexia since I was 12, and he preyed on that.

We ended up fighting alot. I slapped his face when he was talking to one of his girls on my phone in my house. That opened the door to the violence. Soon after I learned I was pregnant. I made an appointment for an abortion. He knew, and although he thought it was good - we had no money, he tried to convince me to keep it a few times "we could be such a happy family." The night before the abortion, he and I had a huge fight. He pushed me, and smacked me. He threw me into walls (he was 6'0" and a body builder - all natural) and at the worst point grabbed me by the neck, cocked his fist back and snarled "there's more then one way to kill a baby, you know." I told him to go ahead, to save me the trip the next day. Then he tried to throw me down the stairs, but I hit the edge of the door. I ran for the phone, he ripped it out of my hand and broke it by throwing it against the wall. I went for the one in the living room, and he ripped that one out the wall. I finally got the phone from my roommate's room and was on the phone with 911 before he got to me that time. After I had called them he calmed right now and said to me "there was no reason for you to call the cops, we can talk like adults." Yeah, right.

I kicked him out. My best friend went with me to my abortion. It was awful. It hurt, I was awake. They almost didn't do it because of the psych eval. The doctor scared me. The nurse was nice. I was so scared. Terrified. I went home woozy from the drugs that couldn't mask the pain. The next day he came to move out with his parents. It was horrible.

Recently, I thought I was pregnant again. I couldn't deal with it. It triggered the only flashback  I have ever had. It was so terrifying.

I am so fortunate that I have such a wonderful, loving husband. He deals with my problems, my insecurities and my fears so well. But he doesn't know what this is like, living like this. I can tell him this stuff, but it doesn't feel like I am letting it out, really. He's supportive and wonderful. But I need to talk now. Thank you for listening.
Tags: abortion, abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, processing, telling others

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