my life is in shitewaters now. i feel like i'm emotionally stunted back at 13 (when i first started using drugs) and i'm 23 now and CAN'T MOVE FORWARD. i have cyclic anorexia, i'm a drug addict and alcoholic, i'm looked at like a parasite, but i know that somewhere in me is a worthy person. i jus can't find her, and no one else can see her.
i keep having long relationships with criminal men who i KNOW are 'different this time'. i keep getting used and abused and although intellectually i can see that this is because of life choices i make, and the partners i choose, emotionally i feel like it's always my fault, and each experience i have jus concretes a little more how stupid and unreasonable and worthless i am.
i have dreams and flashbacks that i don't understand (nor do i want to - i was very young the first time i was sexually abused), and an innate desire to be with men who will hurt me more.
i don't want this life anymore, but i can't go forward.
i am a survivor. but am i grateful i survived? i don't think so.