Rachel Grace (invisiblepast) wrote in _survivors_,
Rachel Grace

Hey, I'm new to this community. It's unfortunate that I have to be here, because nobody really wants to be abused, but here I am.

I am a victim of sexual abuse and assault.

I was abused in first grade, and from fourth through sixth grade by two different "friends" of mine. At age thirteen, I was assaulted by a boy I thought I trusted. (Any details you might want can be found in the first post of my journal, here).

What are the aftereffects of my abuse?

I have an eating disorder (Back and forth between anorexia and ED-NOS). I occasionally cut. I repressed most of the earlier abuse, but about a year ago, I started having flashbacks, aided by an old journal of mine I found. I have been triggered by many things into these flashbacks. I also have panic attacks when I'm really stressed and/or am triggered by something. I have times where I feel as if I'm stuck in different "personalities" (for lack of a better word), where I will start doing things that I would not do if I were myself at the time. I have also been wanting to prostitute, I guess because I feel as if I have nothing left worth to give. Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping due to nightmares I always seem to get.

I have spoken out about my abuse on livejournal, to my journal, and to communities like this one. However, nobody I know personally knows what has happened to me. I am still too much of a coward to tell them, for fear that they will look down upon me or tell me that I deserved it or something like that. Perhaps one of these days I'll be able to speak out about what has happened to me.

-Rachel Grace
Tags: abuse: csa, assault by friend, eating disorder, flashbacks, introductions, sex: work/workers
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