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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Hey, I'm new to this community. It's unfortunate that I have to be… 
14th-Apr-2006 05:05 pm
Trust
Hey, I'm new to this community. It's unfortunate that I have to be here, because nobody really wants to be abused, but here I am.

I am a victim of sexual abuse and assault.

I was abused in first grade, and from fourth through sixth grade by two different "friends" of mine. At age thirteen, I was assaulted by a boy I thought I trusted. (Any details you might want can be found in the first post of my journal, here).

What are the aftereffects of my abuse?

I have an eating disorder (Back and forth between anorexia and ED-NOS). I occasionally cut. I repressed most of the earlier abuse, but about a year ago, I started having flashbacks, aided by an old journal of mine I found. I have been triggered by many things into these flashbacks. I also have panic attacks when I'm really stressed and/or am triggered by something. I have times where I feel as if I'm stuck in different "personalities" (for lack of a better word), where I will start doing things that I would not do if I were myself at the time. I have also been wanting to prostitute, I guess because I feel as if I have nothing left worth to give. Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping due to nightmares I always seem to get.

I have spoken out about my abuse on livejournal, to my journal, and to communities like this one. However, nobody I know personally knows what has happened to me. I am still too much of a coward to tell them, for fear that they will look down upon me or tell me that I deserved it or something like that. Perhaps one of these days I'll be able to speak out about what has happened to me.

-Rachel Grace
Comments 
14th-Apr-2006 05:36 pm (UTC)
you are welcome here :) Of course you are :)

You are not a coward for not telling. The first time you tell someone it's a huge step. It's wise to consider the implications of it. And to tell the right person.

I read your journal post. You have been through alot. I hope to see you about here more :)
14th-Apr-2006 05:50 pm (UTC) - 8:32pm
::BIG HUGS::...First, I want to say I am very sorry for what has happened to you! I read 'both' your posts, came back here to talk to you. I am an incest survivor, and I WELCOME you to our community...it is a good place, kind and safe. While you were talking, I got the impression that you, possibly do what I have been doing for many years....it is called 'fragmenting'....what it means is, that unlike mutiple personality, you spit yourself into different parts of yourself, according to how you are feeling or want others to perceve you,...this is not something intentional, it happens when a child has been through terrible things that they cannot handle, it is a protection of that child....I am not a professional...I am only giving my impression from what I have read and what you describe. I think you should talk to a professional, one dealing in survivors, to get the help you need to deal with the nightmares and memory recals....that does not mean you cannot come here, I pray you do, as there are wonderful people, just like us, here, who would want to help...being a long week-end, I do not know how many will be around, but I will be here and I hope the maintainer of 'survivors'...'sistahraven' will be able to check in...she will come to you if she can. She is wonderful and will help you as much as she can....I do think you should burn thoughs pictures, maybe not the journal,(read them with someone near)but the pictures you do not need to torture yourself with...please get rid of them. I will be back to check on you....please stay safe and know that here, you are loved......diane::soft hugs::
14th-Apr-2006 10:22 pm (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm
"it is called 'fragmenting'....what it means is, that unlike mutiple personality, you spit yourself into different parts of yourself, according to how you are feeling or want others to perceve you"

That sounds quite a lot like what happens to me. Thanks!

I'm trying to get a therapist right now, but my insurance is being a real pain, so I have no idea how long that will be...

15th-Apr-2006 06:43 am (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm/sat,9pm
::HUGS::....Good Morning, sweetie! I hope I was able to help a little, I
commented on the 'fragmenting', as, while I was reading your words sounded
so very familiar....you know I was in my 30s before a very good therapist
noticed I was doing it...every time I stared talking or felt panicky, I would slip into talking in the third person, as they put it, it took me awhile to understand what they where saying, but I slowly realised and even 'know' the different parts of me, it sounds strange....I was actually able to find 5 different 'me', now there is three. No one wants me to get rid of them as they are my way of survival, the only thing I have been told is to never allow anyone to hypnotize me, so that I will pass on to you too.
How are you, today!...I hope you were able to sleep!
I just thought of something...could you check and see if they have a program
were you live that helps survivors, they usually have them everywhere and they are on a sliding scale (income) and often free, as they are for me.
...let me know how things go and how you are...lotsa love hugs...diane
15th-Apr-2006 10:27 am (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm/sat,9pm
I'm working on finding a therapist that my insurance will approve. I'm also trying to find a program near me, but that's hard, as I am still a minor (thus living with my parents), and I have a rather complicated situation with my dad. Hopefully I'll find a good one soon...
15th-Apr-2006 02:16 pm (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm/sat,9pm
::BIG HUGS::.....I'll be praying for you. Remember, I'm here,
if you need to talk.....take care...lotsa love....diane
15th-Apr-2006 07:30 am (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm
::HUGS::...hi sweets....I forgot to ask you if it was okay and friend you?...I just attomatically did so....feeling connected, as I did...please let me know if it is okay. loys love...diane
15th-Apr-2006 10:24 am (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm
Of course it's okay! I added you back. :)
15th-Apr-2006 02:13 pm (UTC) - Re: 8:32pm/5p
::HUGS::....Thanks love!....glad you frieded me back!
I'm in the Laurentions at the moment....using neibours computer,
be back in Montreal tonight.....lotsa love.....diane
14th-Apr-2006 06:08 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the group, you're definitely welcome here.

You're not a coward for not feeling up to telling the people you know. Talking about it feels like you're reliving it, and given that some people react really poorly to finding out, it can be all the harder to tell someone.

The important thing is that you're talking to someone, us. Many of us here were sexually abused, myself included. It can be life-shattering and so hard to heal. I know that right now it's all so very overwhelming. With time it will be a little easier, which will make healing easier, too, so there's hope at least.

I was a prostitute for a short period of time, for similar reasons, and I have to say that you are worth so very much more than sex. I know that people made you feel that even as a child that was all you were worth, but you are a beautiful and unique individual and sex is probably so far lower on the list of great things about you than you'd think. ::big safe hugs:: You are worth so much more than sex. Your love, your trust, your individual self are so important and worthwhile... I wish I could put it into words.
14th-Apr-2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
Is it okay if I add you to my friends list?
16th-Apr-2006 08:09 pm (UTC)
Of course! I'll add ya back so you can see my less public posts.
15th-Apr-2006 03:41 pm (UTC)
its hard for me to believe that people really "care" also...i am just really untrusting.
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