It was always in the back of my mind that something just wasn't right about my dad. I never really knew what. A year ago, almost to the day actually, I was reading this book and something about it made stuff "pop" in my head. I started realizing that, hey, what happened was not ok. That, maybe, what my dad did was really wrong.
When I was 8 or 9 maybe, my mom had a severe bout of depression and anxiety. She was pretty much "vacant" to filling the wife and mother role during those years. She was very hard to deal with and very verbally abusive. My dad, I feel, started to put me in the role of "wife" to fill that space.
I remember, when he used to come in there to wake me up for school, he would lie on top of me and breathe in my ear. I remember thinking "If I pretend I'm still asleep, maybe he'll go away." It was very uncomfortable and it just didn't feel right.
He has always, even up till lately, smacked me on my butt. I have repeatedly told him to stop, and he does it anyway. He would make remarks about, if I stayed in the shower too long, was I in there playing with myself? I had a really close friend in my teenage years and we hung around all the time. He'd ask me if we were "funny" and if there was more going on than just friendship.
The other day he walked up behind me, put his hands on my hips, and kissed the back of my neck. I told him to stop and he said I always had been weird and never liked anyone touching me. He has also leaned over me while I was sitting in a chair and would just bury his nose in my hair and tell me it smelled good.
I don't remember if there has ever been "more" to what went on. I feel like there are pieces missing and I really hate being around my dad. Sometimes, it just makes my skin crawl.
My question is...what do you define this as? Can it be called molestation? I don't want to call it that if it's not. It would feel like I was just blowing it all out of porportion. (My therapist told me that I wasn't overreacting though.)
Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? I'm just really confused and hurt and sad and scared...all of this stuff...I don't know what to do about it or with it, really.
Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it. Maybe I won't feel so isolated and alone now.