Shadow Flying In Daylight (sistahraven) wrote in _survivors_,
Shadow Flying In Daylight


Post originally made by underlyingissue, but given that the lj-cut didn't work, I'm reposting it for her to put triggering text behind a cut

Hello every one. I just found this group and read through some entries. I think this will be a good group for me to join in. I am a 23 year old female. I am also a rape survivor. Not sure if the following would be a trigger, but it might be so I will put it behind an lj cut just to be safe. Thanks for your time and attention. A year and a half ago I was raped, by a man I had just met and his girlfriend who I had known for three years. I had just told the woman I was a lesbian the week prior. They came off as saying that they just wanted to hang out. I had no problem "having fun" with her so I said that as long as he didn't touch me I was up for some fun. He stayed away from me nearly the entire night. We were at a hotel room at the end of the night because they were from out of town. I had no intentions of staying and only did because she was drunk and asked me to stay until she sobered up. He "fell asleep" in one bed and she and I started having fun in the other. She then asked if I would be willing to be handcuffed to the bed. I said yes. I gave her some of my trust and then the next thing I knew she was tying my feet to the bed and he was on top of me raping me. There are a lot of details that I just can't let out online right now, but long story short. I was tied to the bed for three hours as they told me they had done this to teach me God's way. I had to learn to take a man in so I wouldn't choose to be a lesbian any more. I never pressed charges... never got a rape kit done./.... and I tried my best to repress it and move on... Now I am in a serious relationship and for the first time since the rape.. having sex. A lot of issues are coming up. I trust my partner a lot... I wouldn't let her touch me if I didn't. Of course I am paranoid that she is going to leave me, cheat on me, or I am going to push her away. When really this is not logical because she adores me and I know she does. I need to seek more counseling I know... I can't maintain a healthy relationship if I am constantly fighting back the urge to figure out what she is up to all the time and wondering if she is with some one else or liking some one else instead of me. I love this woman and she has done nothing to make me think she's cheating. She's been very patient with me and has listened the whole time I have ever had anything to say. She has been extremley supportive. However, the issues that have come up, came to a head the other day and she told me that even though my past was not currently affecting our relationship, I needed to try and find help even if I go through a hundred therapist, I need help before it does affect our relationship. So now a year and a half later I am starting the healing process instead of just repressing it... and I am scared to death of the end result....</ljcut>
Tags: female abusers, mod post: repost, rape: multiple assailants, sexuality
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