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triggering..and idk if the cut worked.. 
28th-Mar-2006 04:51 pm
So....Idk where to start, or how... I've been really...really..suicidal lately. I probably coulnt pick out one exact reason as to why I am...alot of things add up. The first, and probably most major is my trial. (to fill people in if they havent been folowwing my posts) I was molested as a child over the course of a year, unfortuneltly I only remember once instance. My mom knew and so did my dad, but they did nothing. I rememberd at the age of nine. I told no one until I was 13, and than at 15 I accidently let it slip to my therapist, she called child sevices, and its pretty much gone downhill from then. Child services came, heard my story, talked to my mom..usual stuff. Than, I got a call saing that it hasent passed the LImit of years, and it could go to trial.So, It was up to me to decide if it was going to, becuase once it starts..I cant stop. But my mom wont talk about it, so wont say a word to me about anything. And than I started to fight with her about it, bringin up how she wont say anything when I want to talk about it..(in summary) she said I was selfish and only thought of myself for wanting to go through with this, and she wants no part in the trial. She wont stand, she wont tesify, nothing, im on my own. Si,...I got pissed and cried..and kept to myself. The police on the case wont call me back;ive left numorus messeges...nothign. SO I thoguht I was helpless...thought wrong. My councelor at school. 
I went to her one day, becuase I couldnt handle it. (Se..I dont talk to anyone. No one knows, friend wise, of this. No one knows anythign really..I keep to myself and I have no one..) So I told her everything. From the molesting, to my Anorxia..to cutting, my parents divoce..all of it. SHe said I was brave. She also said that I could get another police officer if I wanted...but idk.Its not worht it anymore. I mean., Id do anything to do this, but w/o the help of my mom..its useless. Im the only one who knows it. My dad denies it happend, and my therapist knows little..So..alot of stress...Idk what to do..I may never.
Than..Aother thing...My like..best friend..hes everything to me. I love him soo much it hurts..has been gone for aong time.He is the only way I talk. I tell him everything. He is...my world. He has taught me so much, how to be strong, how to live again..how to love again..Idk what id do w/o him. And it makes it so much harder becuase he lives in Irealand...Im lucky to get an email from him weekly now, as oppose to everyday when I would talk to him for hours. I miss him, adn I love him. If anything, I would want him to knwo he was truley loved. And yesturday, I missed him online by 6 mins!! 6! I started to cry after my sister..told me that she saw him..but ha..she didnt say anything. Little bitch. So I cried. I cried so hard. I told him how I tried to kill myself the previous week.(See..ive been trying for years...Ive attempted at least 4 times..all of which have failed..) Anyway..so I was crying. So ahrd my head was punding and I was ging to puke. And my mom was yelling at me. She didnt even know why. SHe got so angry with me. Im going..well why dont yu even ask whats wrong! You never ask me anything! And now she wont even look at me, she wont say anything to me...
You guys im just so fucking stressed out. Im cutting so deep again..idk what to do. the whole day today ive been crying. Almost every teacher askedf me whats wrong and I said I was fine. Idk what to do..Im just...soo..alone its crayz. I have no one. ANd I realise Im not going to live to my 30th birthday. Have you ever felt the future..ive felt mine..and its dark with Suicide. Help me please..anything. Idk whwat to do. I need help. Im begging anyone to help me.
28th-Mar-2006 03:30 pm (UTC)
If you could phone the crisis line, it may assist you in having someone to talk to, to get you through the times that you want to kill yourself.

It sounds like you have had to be so brave, and now you are just tired of trying so hard. I also gathered that Mom is not giving you the support that you need, and therefore you need to seek it in other places, such as your friend, and possibly a counsellor. Is there a sexual assault centre that you can access in your area, to just get your feelings out?
I admire you greatly for sticking it out so far, and having the strength to make this post. Let me know how things are going.
28th-Mar-2006 03:44 pm (UTC)
for years i knew my future - and it was destined to end with my death. And in a way it has - I'm no longer that depressed, eating disordered, suicidal, sel-harming girl. I am who I was meant to be until that bastard touched me.

and i am happy.

i promised myself i'd try everything - because death is forever and (although not feeling how i felt sounded damn good) i thought it's so unfair that i didn't get to have one. and all i really ever wanted was to stop being in so much pain.

there's only one way out of this - and that's to move through it. you need to start talking. talking to your councellor was brilliant. now talk to your therapist and bestest friends. and to us.

although we can't make it better, we can listen and make your journet with you.

28th-Mar-2006 05:41 pm (UTC)
No wonder you're stressed to the max!

I don't know if it helps any but....I would ask myself what I really wanted to do with my life, with myself, what I would do if I didn't have my other responsibilities. I would think about it, figure it out, and think that if I was dead I couldn't do whatever it was, and no matter how crazy it seemed to anyone else, I was at least alive to do it, regardless of what anyone else thought.

I know how impossible it all seems when you feel hopeless and everything has gone grey. It can be exhausting, but you're not totally alone--we're here listening.
28th-Mar-2006 06:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks you guys. This helps alot. If nothing, I have you guys.
Anyway, I thoguht this extra little note might help. Im going to London in 15 days. I dont want to put that at any risk of me not going..so telling my councelor of this would be bacd, becuase she would tell my mom who would throw me in a psych faster than listening to anything I had to say..therfore I would not go to London. And I cant risk that. Somone very very very dear to me is comming to see me. And I would not risk anything for him. I love this kid. He's like my little brother.
29th-Mar-2006 09:29 am (UTC)
You've got a lot of very good reasons to feel bleak, to be suicidal. It doesn't need to be one specific thing driving you to those urges when there are about 20. Most "normal" people couldn't handle one of those things in their life, let alone all of them. You're doing okay considering it all, yikes!

The first thing I care about: your safety. You're cutting, which isn't great - but it's better than trying to kill yourself, so I'm going to ask you a favor. Try to be safe while you're doing it. Dip the blades in rubbing alcohol before you cut. Wash the wound with soap and water within 24 hours. Bandage the wounds - I don't care if it's just a kleenex scotch-taped over them... it will help prevent infections which can make you feel worse. If you have to cut to cope, at least do it safely. Apply pressure to the wounds after you cut to keep your blood loss to a minimum. It's not much, but it's something to help keep you safe.

If you can get into a partial-inpatient program when you get back from London, or a support group or *something* to help relieve your stress and keep you safe, that would be key, though I know how hard it can be to be in hospital sometimes.

So above all else, be safe. We love you very much, and would be very sad to not have you in the world.

As for the trial stuff - you do what you need to do, whether it's getting a new officer, or whether it's just not worth it for you to keep going. I certainly won't think less of you in either case, and I support you in whatever it is you choose.

For a looooong time, I thought my future was full of nothing but darkness and suicide and horrors. It took me a long time to reach a place where I can see that there is happiness possible for me... and it was hard to get from where you are to where I am, but I assure you - it's out there. And whatever you need to do to get from where you are to where you're able to see hope and happiness, you do it, and we'll be here sending you love and giving you our support through the lot of it.

Be safe. Be careful. Do what you need to do, and the best you can to keep yourself safe and stable. We love you very much.
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