CyanideEffect (cyanideeffect) wrote in _survivors_,

triggering..and idk if the cut worked..

So....Idk where to start, or how... I've been really...really..suicidal lately. I probably coulnt pick out one exact reason as to why I am...alot of things add up. The first, and probably most major is my trial. (to fill people in if they havent been folowwing my posts) I was molested as a child over the course of a year, unfortuneltly I only remember once instance. My mom knew and so did my dad, but they did nothing. I rememberd at the age of nine. I told no one until I was 13, and than at 15 I accidently let it slip to my therapist, she called child sevices, and its pretty much gone downhill from then. Child services came, heard my story, talked to my mom..usual stuff. Than, I got a call saing that it hasent passed the LImit of years, and it could go to trial.So, It was up to me to decide if it was going to, becuase once it starts..I cant stop. But my mom wont talk about it, so wont say a word to me about anything. And than I started to fight with her about it, bringin up how she wont say anything when I want to talk about it..(in summary) she said I was selfish and only thought of myself for wanting to go through with this, and she wants no part in the trial. She wont stand, she wont tesify, nothing, im on my own. Si,...I got pissed and cried..and kept to myself. The police on the case wont call me back;ive left numorus messeges...nothign. SO I thoguht I was helpless...thought wrong. My councelor at school. 
I went to her one day, becuase I couldnt handle it. (Se..I dont talk to anyone. No one knows, friend wise, of this. No one knows anythign really..I keep to myself and I have no one..) So I told her everything. From the molesting, to my cutting, my parents divoce..all of it. SHe said I was brave. She also said that I could get another police officer if I wanted...but idk.Its not worht it anymore. I mean., Id do anything to do this, but w/o the help of my mom..its useless. Im the only one who knows it. My dad denies it happend, and my therapist knows little..So..alot of stress...Idk what to do..I may never.
Than..Aother thing...My friend..hes everything to me. I love him soo much it hurts..has been gone for aong time.He is the only way I talk. I tell him everything. He world. He has taught me so much, how to be strong, how to live to love again..Idk what id do w/o him. And it makes it so much harder becuase he lives in Irealand...Im lucky to get an email from him weekly now, as oppose to everyday when I would talk to him for hours. I miss him, adn I love him. If anything, I would want him to knwo he was truley loved. And yesturday, I missed him online by 6 mins!! 6! I started to cry after my sister..told me that she saw him..but ha..she didnt say anything. Little bitch. So I cried. I cried so hard. I told him how I tried to kill myself the previous week.(See..ive been trying for years...Ive attempted at least 4 times..all of which have failed..) I was crying. So ahrd my head was punding and I was ging to puke. And my mom was yelling at me. She didnt even know why. SHe got so angry with me. Im going..well why dont yu even ask whats wrong! You never ask me anything! And now she wont even look at me, she wont say anything to me...
You guys im just so fucking stressed out. Im cutting so deep again..idk what to do. the whole day today ive been crying. Almost every teacher askedf me whats wrong and I said I was fine. Idk what to do..Im just...soo..alone its crayz. I have no one. ANd I realise Im not going to live to my 30th birthday. Have you ever felt the future..ive felt mine..and its dark with Suicide. Help me please..anything. Idk whwat to do. I need help. Im begging anyone to help me.
Tags: abuse: csa, child protective services, family, filing a report, invalidation, molestation, self-injury, suicidal thoughts, suicide: attempted
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