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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night. He told me I… 
6th-Mar-2006 10:01 pm
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night.
He told me I treat him like my father because I so desperately need one in my life now that mine is gone. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but then he brought up the times when I can't be touched or kissed or anything by him because it makes me feel dirty.
He told me the only reason I would feel like that is because I see him as my father.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I need to know I'm not alone..

I thought about calling my daddy the other day. It's sooooo hard loving him and hating him at the same time. I don't know what to do, what to think. BAH!
I miss the crap out of him and I never want to see him again.
I want him to be happy but I want him to suffer.

And it still bothers me that he knows he hurt me.
When my mom read her speech in court telling him of all the ways I am fucked up, I wanted to just crawl in a corner and die. I am supposed to appear strong in front of my daddy! I really hate that he knows how weak he made me.

I miss him. But I hate him.
I don't know anymore.
13th-Mar-2006 11:36 am (UTC)
I understand what you want. You hate the man who hurt you, but desperatly want your father. I understand that. and it's very conflicting...I think what you have to decide is what's best for YOU and that goes for your boyfriend as well. If he's trying to "influence" you into things you're not really "in the mood for" then he's not as understanding as you may need. I suggest trying to explain to him it's not HIM but maybe at certain times acting sexually may serve as a trigger. It's not his fault, it's the abusers. it's not something that can always be controled. and He should NEVER EVER pressure you into anything.
15th-Mar-2006 04:39 pm (UTC)
You're right.
I'm glad somebody can help me explain what's happening inside my brain.
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