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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night. He told me I… 
6th-Mar-2006 10:01 pm
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night.
He told me I treat him like my father because I so desperately need one in my life now that mine is gone. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but then he brought up the times when I can't be touched or kissed or anything by him because it makes me feel dirty.
He told me the only reason I would feel like that is because I see him as my father.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I need to know I'm not alone..

I thought about calling my daddy the other day. It's sooooo hard loving him and hating him at the same time. I don't know what to do, what to think. BAH!
I miss the crap out of him and I never want to see him again.
I want him to be happy but I want him to suffer.


And it still bothers me that he knows he hurt me.
When my mom read her speech in court telling him of all the ways I am fucked up, I wanted to just crawl in a corner and die. I am supposed to appear strong in front of my daddy! I really hate that he knows how weak he made me.
Ugh.

I miss him. But I hate him.
I don't know anymore.
Comments 
8th-Mar-2006 05:58 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel.

I miss the man who taught me to ride a bike and fish and who bought me beautiful presents (including a gorgeous porcelain doll [which I still have, in a box to keep her from getting broken] made to look like I'd have looked if I'd lived 100 years ago or so). I miss the daddy who told me I was special and beautiful.

And at the same time I remember the nights of fear and pain at the hands of the same man; I still can't see a man who looks like him without remembering and being afraid and anxious.

It's a tough balance, but I've found that I just can't communicate with him and expect to keep my sanity. I just have to remember the good along with the bad.

Take care of you. *hugs*
11th-Mar-2006 12:51 pm (UTC)
I have panic attacks when I see people that look like my daddy.
My mom and stepdad are no help, either, because after I told on my daddy (before he went to prison--which he just got to in January) they convinced me that my dad was going to come to my house and kill us all. My whole family got restraining orders against him. They told me he had nothing to lose, facing three life sentences, so why wouldn't he come to our house and just murder us all.
Parents are stupid, if I do say so myself.

It is true, that it would be impossible to talk to him and be sane. I wouldn't know what to say to him anyhow. I'd like to say that I was sorry, but that would imply that it was my fault, which it's not.
I don't know.

Anyhow, thanks for the hugs. ^_^

♥ ♥
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