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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night. He told me I… 
6th-Mar-2006 10:01 pm
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night.
He told me I treat him like my father because I so desperately need one in my life now that mine is gone. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but then he brought up the times when I can't be touched or kissed or anything by him because it makes me feel dirty.
He told me the only reason I would feel like that is because I see him as my father.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I need to know I'm not alone..

I thought about calling my daddy the other day. It's sooooo hard loving him and hating him at the same time. I don't know what to do, what to think. BAH!
I miss the crap out of him and I never want to see him again.
I want him to be happy but I want him to suffer.

And it still bothers me that he knows he hurt me.
When my mom read her speech in court telling him of all the ways I am fucked up, I wanted to just crawl in a corner and die. I am supposed to appear strong in front of my daddy! I really hate that he knows how weak he made me.

I miss him. But I hate him.
I don't know anymore.
7th-Mar-2006 08:05 am (UTC)
I just wanted to post to say "I read and I care"

I don't have too much advice to offer. I know an ex of mine used to get upset when I'd freak out on him - he'd get pissed off that I'd think that he was going to hurt me. That I got confused and scared and lost.

Now I have a boyfriend who understands that if I get freaked out it's not because of HIM (my boyfriend) ... it's because something has reminded me of the abuse. And he gets it. So - although he's sad he has freaked me out - he knows that I don't see him as an abuser.

11th-Mar-2006 12:45 pm (UTC)
I wish my boyfriend was so understanding...
When I get freaked out he thinks it is because I see him as my father or I was thinking of my father while we were doing.. whatever we were doing.
He thinks I think of that stuff on purpose.

Thanks for commenting and the hugs.
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