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_Survivors_
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night. He told me I… 
6th-Mar-2006 10:01 pm
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night.
He told me I treat him like my father because I so desperately need one in my life now that mine is gone. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but then he brought up the times when I can't be touched or kissed or anything by him because it makes me feel dirty.
He told me the only reason I would feel like that is because I see him as my father.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I need to know I'm not alone..

I thought about calling my daddy the other day. It's sooooo hard loving him and hating him at the same time. I don't know what to do, what to think. BAH!
I miss the crap out of him and I never want to see him again.
I want him to be happy but I want him to suffer.


And it still bothers me that he knows he hurt me.
When my mom read her speech in court telling him of all the ways I am fucked up, I wanted to just crawl in a corner and die. I am supposed to appear strong in front of my daddy! I really hate that he knows how weak he made me.
Ugh.

I miss him. But I hate him.
I don't know anymore.
Comments 
6th-Mar-2006 08:23 pm (UTC)
I've had a lot of trouble in relationships because of the abuse I endured at the hands of my father. It made any strong male figure in my world get a bit tainted, I was comparing them often to my father... and sometimes sex would skeeve me out - I was sexually abused by my father, so sex in general was sometimes very creepy and odd. I'm not sure what your situation is, but it's not uncommon for survivors to have trouble in relationships with people who in any way resemble our abusers.

And I understand your struggles with your feelings for your father. There are always some good parts to even the most evil of people, and as humans we are programmed to feel a connection to our parents, no matter how good or bad a parent they are. I know many of us struggle as to how to feel those good feelings for them without feeling like we are betraying ourselves.

Though it's a tough balance to find, it's possible to recognize the good parts about your father, or at least the parts you still love, without having to interact with him - and to balance those good parts with all the bad things he's done.

Sometimes I will say to myself, "I miss his good qualities, even if the good parts aren't worth all the pain" - because ultimately, sometimes, it's simply that the hurt they caused outweighs the good. Maybe even mourning the loss of the good parts of your father with all he did might help?

No matter what, though, ::hugs:: Sending you love and hugs.
11th-Mar-2006 12:42 pm (UTC)
You have a good point. My daddy didn't really have too many good qualities, but I guess mostly it was that he loved me, like no one else did. My mom never gave a shit. My first long-term boyfriend cheated on me for half of our relationship, and I guess just having my dad's love and approval means so much to me that I just don't know what to do without it.


Thanks for the hugs and love.. sending them back at you!

♥ ♥
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