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_Survivors_
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night. He told me I… 
6th-Mar-2006 10:01 pm
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My boyfriend and I had a long talk the other night.
He told me I treat him like my father because I so desperately need one in my life now that mine is gone. I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but then he brought up the times when I can't be touched or kissed or anything by him because it makes me feel dirty.
He told me the only reason I would feel like that is because I see him as my father.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I need to know I'm not alone..

I thought about calling my daddy the other day. It's sooooo hard loving him and hating him at the same time. I don't know what to do, what to think. BAH!
I miss the crap out of him and I never want to see him again.
I want him to be happy but I want him to suffer.


And it still bothers me that he knows he hurt me.
When my mom read her speech in court telling him of all the ways I am fucked up, I wanted to just crawl in a corner and die. I am supposed to appear strong in front of my daddy! I really hate that he knows how weak he made me.
Ugh.

I miss him. But I hate him.
I don't know anymore.
Comments 
6th-Mar-2006 08:23 pm (UTC)
I've had a lot of trouble in relationships because of the abuse I endured at the hands of my father. It made any strong male figure in my world get a bit tainted, I was comparing them often to my father... and sometimes sex would skeeve me out - I was sexually abused by my father, so sex in general was sometimes very creepy and odd. I'm not sure what your situation is, but it's not uncommon for survivors to have trouble in relationships with people who in any way resemble our abusers.

And I understand your struggles with your feelings for your father. There are always some good parts to even the most evil of people, and as humans we are programmed to feel a connection to our parents, no matter how good or bad a parent they are. I know many of us struggle as to how to feel those good feelings for them without feeling like we are betraying ourselves.

Though it's a tough balance to find, it's possible to recognize the good parts about your father, or at least the parts you still love, without having to interact with him - and to balance those good parts with all the bad things he's done.

Sometimes I will say to myself, "I miss his good qualities, even if the good parts aren't worth all the pain" - because ultimately, sometimes, it's simply that the hurt they caused outweighs the good. Maybe even mourning the loss of the good parts of your father with all he did might help?

No matter what, though, ::hugs:: Sending you love and hugs.
11th-Mar-2006 12:42 pm (UTC)
You have a good point. My daddy didn't really have too many good qualities, but I guess mostly it was that he loved me, like no one else did. My mom never gave a shit. My first long-term boyfriend cheated on me for half of our relationship, and I guess just having my dad's love and approval means so much to me that I just don't know what to do without it.


Thanks for the hugs and love.. sending them back at you!

♥ ♥
7th-Mar-2006 08:05 am (UTC)
I just wanted to post to say "I read and I care"

I don't have too much advice to offer. I know an ex of mine used to get upset when I'd freak out on him - he'd get pissed off that I'd think that he was going to hurt me. That I got confused and scared and lost.

Now I have a boyfriend who understands that if I get freaked out it's not because of HIM (my boyfriend) ... it's because something has reminded me of the abuse. And he gets it. So - although he's sad he has freaked me out - he knows that I don't see him as an abuser.

*hugs*
11th-Mar-2006 12:45 pm (UTC)
I wish my boyfriend was so understanding...
When I get freaked out he thinks it is because I see him as my father or I was thinking of my father while we were doing.. whatever we were doing.
He thinks I think of that stuff on purpose.
Bah.
Boys.
Grr.

Thanks for commenting and the hugs.
7th-Mar-2006 09:43 am (UTC)
I don't know how much help I'll be.. but. My fiance and I had the same kind of talk. I'm really insecure. My boyfriend and I both have bipolar and it is hard living with another bipolar. Especially with our anger rages. One of us will start a fight and sometimes go into things that make us up set, I have issues with my body I think I'm fat. So last week when we got into a fight he called me fat, and I won't let him touch me, and now he's angry with me. And he said he didn't mean it but when we were fighting he wanted to say something to me that would hurt me.

My father drinks a lot, always have. He's abused his girlfriends and my mom. I've seen it all happen. And sometimes when my fiance drinks he gets violent and I see my father in him. My father has only verbally abused me. But I have a strong hate for him because of what he did to me my and my mom and my step-moms. And sometimes I love him and want to see him but most of the time I don't. My father might be dying, and I refuse to him a lot of the time and right now he's trying to get me to see him. So I can kind of relate to you. And no you are not alone.
11th-Mar-2006 12:57 pm (UTC)
Sometimes my boyfriend will get reeeaaallllyyyy horny and try to make me.. do things with him when I don't necessarily want to, but he keeps pushing until I do anyway.
That is when I see my father in him more than anything.
It realllyyyy bothers me.

I've talked to him about it, and he still won't stop. He'll say, "oh, all you have to do is just tell me no," but it never works. If I don't do what he wants he'll tell me I'm a bitch and he "can tell I want it, I just won't give it to him."
Ugh.

And it is really good to know I'm not alone.
^_^

This community is great.

♥ for you.
8th-Mar-2006 05:58 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel.

I miss the man who taught me to ride a bike and fish and who bought me beautiful presents (including a gorgeous porcelain doll [which I still have, in a box to keep her from getting broken] made to look like I'd have looked if I'd lived 100 years ago or so). I miss the daddy who told me I was special and beautiful.

And at the same time I remember the nights of fear and pain at the hands of the same man; I still can't see a man who looks like him without remembering and being afraid and anxious.

It's a tough balance, but I've found that I just can't communicate with him and expect to keep my sanity. I just have to remember the good along with the bad.

Take care of you. *hugs*
11th-Mar-2006 12:51 pm (UTC)
I have panic attacks when I see people that look like my daddy.
My mom and stepdad are no help, either, because after I told on my daddy (before he went to prison--which he just got to in January) they convinced me that my dad was going to come to my house and kill us all. My whole family got restraining orders against him. They told me he had nothing to lose, facing three life sentences, so why wouldn't he come to our house and just murder us all.
Parents are stupid, if I do say so myself.

It is true, that it would be impossible to talk to him and be sane. I wouldn't know what to say to him anyhow. I'd like to say that I was sorry, but that would imply that it was my fault, which it's not.
I don't know.

Anyhow, thanks for the hugs. ^_^

♥ ♥
13th-Mar-2006 11:36 am (UTC)
I understand what you want. You hate the man who hurt you, but desperatly want your father. I understand that. and it's very conflicting...I think what you have to decide is what's best for YOU and that goes for your boyfriend as well. If he's trying to "influence" you into things you're not really "in the mood for" then he's not as understanding as you may need. I suggest trying to explain to him it's not HIM but maybe at certain times acting sexually may serve as a trigger. It's not his fault, it's the abusers. it's not something that can always be controled. and He should NEVER EVER pressure you into anything.
15th-Mar-2006 04:39 pm (UTC)
You're right.
I'm glad somebody can help me explain what's happening inside my brain.
:)
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