Becca (butterfly_rjm) wrote in _survivors_,
Becca
butterfly_rjm
_survivors_

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When should we be tough?

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse from my step-father, also incest from my older brother when I was young. I'm also very active in this community and wish everyone's lives were never affected by any sort of abuse. I've be diagnosed with several disorders over the last 5 years and am working on righting my life so it may one day be the one I always wished for. I'm letting you know this just so you understand where I'm coming from.

Now, there have been several times when someone posts something and my advice would seem a bit contradicting to the norm. I offer love and support to everyone here. But sometimes I just want to give the advice they need without the sugar coating, because they take the sugar coating and will run with it, not caring about the advice part at all. I'll use an example not from here, but from my own life.

My sister is abusing drugs and being reckless with sex. She hasn't even hit 18 and she's been kicked out of her house three times, the last one where she's not allowed to come back. She's failing school. Quit her job. Stopped taking her medication. Is lying. And owes a lot of people, including myself money. Overall being irresponsible. Last month I turned off her phone, since I was paying for it and she owed me money. She hasn't talked to me pretty much since then because I've become the authority figure in her life. I tried offering her help and a place to live, tried to give her the time and space she needed to make her own decisions, and tried to help her through the right path. All those 'nice' things have not helped. So, that's when I turned off the phone. I've finally told her she's screwing up her life and she's not going to get anywhere with the path she's taking. I'm tired of being nice and getting no where so I decided to let her deal with her problems on her own. I love her and cried so much when I made this dicision, but if I didn't she'd continue to walk all over my hospitality.

How does this relate? Well, sometimes when people talk about what's going on in thier lives I want to say, "Well, look at what you're doing. How do you expect to get anywhere doing what you're doing?" This isn't all, not even most of the time. Just a few cases. I'm a firm believer in the idea that people will learn more, and retain the information better, if they learn for themselves and answers aren't just handed to them. Not that I think we shouldn't help people when we get the chance. Not saying that at all. But when is it time to tell someone to take responsibility for thier actions? When is it time to give them the tough love they sometimes need? When is it ok to stop being nice and be realistic?

Sort of ranty-ish when I re-read it, and it's really not meant to be. I'm just sort of curious how others, especially a group on such a sensitive topic as this one is, would view this thought. I don't want to end up being a bitch by saying stop being stupid to someone, so when I get to that point should I just keep my mouth closed? That's what I've done so far with the very few posts I've seen. But what if someone gets hurt further by someone not bringing this to light? That's what I'm afraid of. Please, reply, tell me what you think. Do you ever give someone blunt advice? Would it be appropriate in any of the situations here? I'm really interested. Thank you in advance for your time.
Tags: abuse: incest, family, substance/drug abuse
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