willfuldispute (willfuldispute) wrote in _survivors_,

  • Music:

my story..

this is really scattered and explicit.. probably quite triggering.. my story is not nearly as bad as some of those that i have read, but i needed to share it.. the only other person i have told in a serious way is my girlfriend, and she doesnt like to hear any details because it weirds her out.. anyone else i have told it was in a "what weird things did you do as a kid" way.. and i never told the whole story.. only that we kissed.. and never that they did it first, and told me that i had to.

i was in third grade, and she was ever so popular. I had been the outcast up until now, and i was so excited when she asked me to sleep over. We stayed up late, and were just getting ready to fall asleep when her older brother came home. I thought he was cute so i was excited when he wanted to hang out with us. We decided to play truth or dare, because that was what older kids did at sleep overs.. he was in 6th grade, and knew all about older kids. the details are a little vague.. but eventually it sort of stopped being truth or dare, and started being "you have to do this because i said, and those are the rules." First they dared me to take off my shirt, but i said that i would only do it if she did first.. she was cool, and i knew she wouldnt do anything that wasnt cool, so i knew i should follow her lead. she did it, so i did too.. then they told me to kiss him.. i said i would if she did, thinking she wouldnt.. because he was her brother, and even then i knew that was wrong. she did, and after some convincing i did too.. i leaned in, and he had his mouth open wide. his tongue was all over my face, and i remember thinking "this is gross, why would anyone want to do this?" i know there was at least a small amount of time, and dares in between, but the next thing i really remember was them telling me i had to pull my pants down, and then him being naked, and lying on top of me. He just rubbed against me, but i remember how it felt, and just closing my eyes, and wanting it to be over.. ive only had sex with a handful of people, and it has never been what you would call good.. i think that because that was my first sexual experience i learned that i couldnt say no.. because i tried at first, but they convinced me that it was okay.. since then i have done anything anyone wanted me to. Ive given oral sex to... a lot of people, but only gotten it from two, and one is my girlfriend of over a year. most of the time i would just do what anyone wanted. i didnt know how to say no, so anyone who has ever asked me out, i have gone out with.. anyone that has ever wanted me to, i have done things with.. the only thing that people wanted me to do that i wouldnt was have sex.. i think that's because that's the one thing that i said no to then.. i remember saying to him as he lay down on top of me, not to put it inside because i didnt want to have a baby. that was the only thing that i could say no to, and i held onto that for a long time.

Tags: abuse: csa, assault by friend, coercion

  • Pap Smear and Trauma

    About three months ago I went to a nurse practitioner with the hopes of getting a pap smear done but alas with about 4 tries with each of them ending…

  • (no subject)

    I don't even know how to word this..I joined this community awhile ago,had a long post about my past, but got frustrated w/ trying to post it..one…

  • (no subject)

    My abuser is now under suspicion for raping a nine year old little girl. The information I have is vague. An anonymous woman called my mother and she…

  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded