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5th-Feb-2006 05:09 pm
What do you all do when you feel suicidal all of the time?
I fade between optimistic about my future and very suicidal and the suicdial times are outweighing the positive...

I was also just inpatiented and I wish I was back there.

I've also find myself either drinking, taking NyQuil, more meds than I should or all three combined when I was someone who used to be straightedge and totally against any of this stuff. I tend to not be able to remember the last time I even ate and all I can think about is stockpiling the Klonopin prescription I have, drinkings tons with it and really trying to kill myself instead of half assing it like I've been doing. I can't stand to feel the pain or the emptiness anymore and will do anything to make it go away...including losing all that is good in my life to make it stop.

I'm in therapy, have a psych and am trying to get into an outpatient program for DBT, so don't bother suggesting any of them. I'll also be attending a Depression/Bipolar support group tomorrow...so don't bother with the support group suggestion.

So what do you all do? Becuase I'm running out of distractions and feel like my time is running out before I seriously try to end it all instead of taking just under enough to NOT kill myself.

It's the weekends that really kill me. I can manage the week days. I have things to occupy my time, but for some reason those two days and Friday night just make me want to throw it all away. And for some background info...I have NO friends, I left them all with my rapist and a boyfriend who wants SPACE...and space tends to make me cut you off cuz I can't stand the anxiety of it all. I was raped, have some prior sexual abuse history and am Borderline, but not full blown in that it destroys every area of my life....people at the psych ward also suggested that I may be Unipolar, something I never even thought of, but I digress.

Someone please offer me some suggestions. I don't know what to do anymore...
5th-Feb-2006 02:58 pm (UTC)
For me, the trick is to keep doing *something*, or else the suicidal static that is constantly in my head (been suicidal for 17 years now) overtakes me.

Hobbies are my best friends some days - knitting, crocheting, reading books, watching movies (Netflix therapy is excellent). In the warmer weather I hike in the woods, or go to parks and play with dogs. I taught myself how to cook, and I cook at least two meals a day (although lunch is usually real simple). I make livejournal icons, do photography, pet-sit for my neighbors, and do yoga 4 times a week.

Weekends kill me, too - it's usually when I have the worst nightmares, and the time passes so slowly without folks to hang out with.

On the days where I'm really struggling to not self-harm, I take a fine point sharpie (they're non-toxic, yay!) and draw henna/mehndhi designs all over my legs and belly.

The things that work the best are the relaxation/meditation things - it feels good to cry during yoga, and when I'm nervous and twitchy, crocheting keeps my hands working and gives me something to focus on that's not *too* complex, so I don't get the "aw, I screwed up" guilt.

5th-Feb-2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
I tend to be able to keep doing something until the weekend hits and then I'll just stop doing anything. It's the thought of other people out there actually living their lives instead of trying to avoid ending mine that overtakes my mind. *sigh*

You're right. I should get hobbies. I used to have them. I couldn't even tell you what I like, but now a days, even sitting down and playing Playstation or reading a book feels meaningless or gives me an anxiety attack...I guess becuase I know I'm doing it just to distract myself and it's not out of an actual interest.

I don't really self-harm anymore...as far as mutilation goes...but I find that my OCD and trichotilimania tendencies that used to occupy my time in the past start kicking in when they normally wouldn't because no one is around to distract me from it all.

People have told me that meditation works and I need to look online for a yoga class to take. I have meditation books, but like I said...the whole act of sitting down and reading is an effort all in itself.

Thanks for the advice!! It means a lot!! *hugs*
5th-Feb-2006 08:30 pm (UTC)
Not a problem!

Oh, I'm not sure what cable company you have, but if you happen to have Comcast with OnDemand, in their "sports and fitness" section, under the "exercise tv" channel, they have free yoga programs, along with some other neat exercisey things. Not all of them are stellar, but they're pretty decent.

And heck, some of the bad ones? I just watch and mock. Because hey, at least I'm not quite as flaky as some of the really bad yoga instructors :)
6th-Feb-2006 07:12 am (UTC)
I do have OnDemand, what a rip off!! hehe
I had never checked out the sports and fitness section. I'll do that. Thanks for the suggestion!
5th-Feb-2006 03:00 pm (UTC) - ::nodnod::
It took me all of five hours out of a miserably boring inpatient program I couldn't wait to get out of to want to go back. I hope that you can find something that helps.

This is how I handle it:

I've had suicidal impulses for so long they've sort of become background noise. Unless there's an extreme peak I take it for granted now. I keep thinking every time, "I didn't kill myself when I had to live with her, I'm not going to now." When I did live with her it was, "I'll be eighteen in X months," or planning to run away again, even if I knew I wouldn't. Those worked better, since they embodied hope, but any mantra is better for me than none.

Personally, I sleep. A lot. Weekends when I'm alone I usually sleep until afternoon and then go to bed at eight or nine, despite my insomnia and nightmares. When I can't, there's ativan, which replaced the worse-for-me nyquil/benadril combo I used to use. Even just telling myself that the ativan will kick in any second gives me some more time for the impulse to faid (which is always, eventually, has.)

I have friends now that are distractions, but when I didn't I'd take books and disappear into them. I know people who use video games the same way, though they don't do it for me. I know people who watch highly violent movies or engaging tv shows because it's where they can get lost. Part of it is just finding what works for you. Sublimation is my friend.

I've also found that I can take walks. The rhythm and movement of walking keeps my impulse control engaged no matter what I'm thinking about while I walk. I know large portions of Boston because there was a summer I was here and knew no one at all.

I would go out to gatherings, socials where I knew I'd be forced to interact with people, usually that I'd found on the internet; MeetUp or local organizations. It switches the focus of my anxiety from me to my environment and can break the cycle.

There are people you can talk to, places you can go. I have called helplines before, years ago. Last time I ended up in my regular doc's office because she was the only one who returned my calls (thanks sistahraven for the suggestion).

I don't know whether any of this is helpful or applicable, but I have always found it possible to, essentially, trick myself into going on. And eventually into being happy.

Even if it's refusing to let myself make preparations because I know by the time I get that far I won't be together enough to make it happen if I haven't prepared. Every time I hit that point I hate myself for putting me there, but hell, I've made it through 11 years and things *are* getting better now (even if that's hard to remember sometimes). I don't know if you have means of temporary escape (fantasy, books, movies, whatever), but if you can find one it can do wonders to get you to the next flash of optimism. And eventually the moments of optimism start being closer together, and so now I'll occationally reflexively have suicidal ideations and think, "but I'm pretty happy right now." Those moments help me argue with it when I'm not.

Most of all it's just been taking the one extra step forward, not doing anything for the next minute, and then the five after that and the ten after that. That and a lack of motivation. Thank you depression :-p
5th-Feb-2006 04:38 pm (UTC) - Re: ::nodnod::
Haha...technically, I hated being inpatient. I was in there from 5am Saturday morning until mid Tuesday and I hated every minute of it. There was wayyyy too much idle time, but I miss the people and I actually felt like I could just be for once.

I have a lonnnng history of depression and when I was in gradeschool and highschool I used to sleep a lot, but now I find I can't just fall asleep in the middle of the day without the aid of something...it's like that distraction no longer works anymore. Arrrgh...which is probably why I've resorted to drinking, becuase I'm just up all the time aside from bed time.

Video games used to work for me too, but they aren't so much anymore. Now a days I just constantly watch The Sopranos or Oz (I have On Demand), but I still feel pathetic. I just want to live my life, not struggle to get through it.

I've also called up hotlines and thought about it tonight, but I made my boyfriend come over, who was hesitant to even do so. I trick myself into going on to...like the whole act of pretending to enjoy life is a challange...something to perfect...it has worked to an extent, but like I've said...my coping mechs are running thin.

Things have gotten better for me, but it's weird...it's like I've been born to want to die, so no matter how much things get better I still feel no desire to live...and the rape really shattered my ability to move on and want to live...I don't know what exactly that is, but it has.

Thanks for the advice!!! Any advice is helpful!! I just wanted to know what everyone else does when they are in my position. *hugs*
5th-Feb-2006 04:28 pm (UTC)
Well. I'm kind of like sylvanstargazer. I've had these thoughts and ideas for nearly ten years, and they have become background noise too. I think a lot of social workers don't understand that just because you're not depressed doesn't mean you still don't think about ending your life. But I digress.

When I hit my lowest lows I try to find someone to do something with. I don't have friends here where I live, so I understand that it's hard to do. I get on-line and try to find someone. I'll even go to yahoochat if there's no one I know on.

I force myself to not plan out a method as well. I know there's a razor under my sink. That thought's in the back of my head for hours, but I don't go under the sink. The moment I look under there I'll grab it, I know that. If I'm going to od, I don't touch any pill bottles. I don't even open the cupboard they're in.

These things don't magically make me happy, but they keep me from harming myself. By keeping myself away from anything that I could hurt myself with, I keep myself safe enough for it to pass, or me to fall asleep.

I also listen to music. That's always helped me. I listen to pretty much anything. I find something other to analyze than myself. Listen to see if I can hear the beat, is it good, does the song work. Keeping myself thinking about other things helps me from sinking into what's wrong with me, or why me gone would be better.

The best thing I ever did to stop from hurting myself is flushing all the pills I didn't need. I used to have a bunch of odds and ends that I'd od on constantly, mixing them and also drinking on top of it. I flushed everything that I didn't need (that wasn't presently prescribed to me) and it was the hardest thing to do in my life, but doing that made it a little more difficult to hurt myself.

Hope this helps. And I hope you stay safe. *Hug*
6th-Feb-2006 07:05 am (UTC)
My suicidal thoughts used to be background noise, but they very much dominate my thinking the past two years. Even my conscience is siding with them..."Yeah, take those pills..." sorta thing...

Most of my methods were taken away from me as part of the agreement to be discharged from being inpatiented, so my therapist is holding the pills that I had large amounts of, but I'm still on prescriptions, so it's not like I couldn't have access to do it...I'd just have to let the prescriptions pile up. Eghhh...I've put way too much thought into my methods...I just need to know I can get out.

I did the whole pill flushing thing too a year or so back when I was abusing Xanax, but I actually still regret that to this day!

I dunno...a huge part of me wants to self-destruct once I left my old friends with my rapist...but I really am trying to find a balance between allowing myself to do these things and get better without suppressing one and forcing the other.

Thanks for the comment! :)
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6th-Feb-2006 07:11 am (UTC)
I really don't want to get rid of the things to harm myself. I honestly can't stand the pain anymore.

I applied to an Outpatient program that handles a variety of things that also offers DBT. I have an intake interview, or whatever they call it, on Wednesday, so hopefully that'll start up soon. I have never done EMDR. I worked through most of my trauma issues on my own and with my boyfriend. I still have some, but they aren't major issues that need attention right away. It's mainly the Borderline stuff and my suicidal tendencies that are my main problems now. I have heard good things about EMDR, but my therapist only does talk therapy, so I never got to experience it. Glad to see it's working for you!!
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6th-Feb-2006 09:10 am (UTC)
That is true...I do have prior trauma history...and I'm not disagreeing with you. I was specifically referring to the problems I had after I was raped 5 years ago...some of those problems I had my whole life for the reasons that you are stating, but the most intrusive ones from the rape of 5 years ago have faded.

My therapist told me that people can also develop BPD due to neglect as well and that the vast majority of people with BPD have a history of sexual abuse. I actually have a pretty strong history of neglect up until the age of 19 (oh the irony), which probably has a lot to do with my borderline issues of identity, sense of self and abandonement/letting people close to me.
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7th-Feb-2006 07:51 am (UTC)
Yes, I do have hotline numbers. I know what some of my triggers are, but I dunno...I wouldn't even know how to explain it to some crisis hotline person. :/
6th-Feb-2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
this is a daft suggestion but here goes anyway. Have you tried mitrazapine (don't know if that's the name in the US)? I was self-destructive and suicidal and all that good stuff and I went on it. It was the only anti-dep that ever did squat for me. I actually credit it with saving my life - it was either that or anti-convulsants. Before I went on it I just wanted life to end - not in a particularly depressed way either. Just wanted this damn place to stop. I was only on it a few months but I've never got back to being that bad. I mean - if I do something wrong or stupid I still have a flash of wanting to OD or cut but that's the only time. The every waking moment yearning has gone.

If you've not tried it ask you doc for it. I was resistant to all SSRIs and tricyclics. It's a nor-epinephrine one I think.

7th-Feb-2006 07:50 am (UTC)
I briefly looked it up and I will more so later...I think that's the same as Rameron in the US cuz that name kept popping up with it, but I'm not sure.

I do need to call my psych up today, maybe I'll mention it to him...cuz I had another stoopid trigger set me off into a massive anxiety attack last night and I was gonna take myself on down to the ER again. So yeah, I'm having the flashes constantly at home...*shudder*

Thanks for the suggestion! I'll mention it to him!
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