I fade between optimistic about my future and very suicidal and the suicdial times are outweighing the positive...
I was also just inpatiented and I wish I was back there.
I've also find myself either drinking, taking NyQuil, more meds than I should or all three combined when I was someone who used to be straightedge and totally against any of this stuff. I tend to not be able to remember the last time I even ate and all I can think about is stockpiling the Klonopin prescription I have, drinkings tons with it and really trying to kill myself instead of half assing it like I've been doing. I can't stand to feel the pain or the emptiness anymore and will do anything to make it go away...including losing all that is good in my life to make it stop.
I'm in therapy, have a psych and am trying to get into an outpatient program for DBT, so don't bother suggesting any of them. I'll also be attending a Depression/Bipolar support group tomorrow...so don't bother with the support group suggestion.
So what do you all do? Becuase I'm running out of distractions and feel like my time is running out before I seriously try to end it all instead of taking just under enough to NOT kill myself.
It's the weekends that really kill me. I can manage the week days. I have things to occupy my time, but for some reason those two days and Friday night just make me want to throw it all away. And for some background info...I have NO friends, I left them all with my rapist and a boyfriend who wants SPACE...and space tends to make me cut you off cuz I can't stand the anxiety of it all. I was raped, have some prior sexual abuse history and am Borderline, but not full blown in that it destroys every area of my life....people at the psych ward also suggested that I may be Unipolar, something I never even thought of, but I digress.
Someone please offer me some suggestions. I don't know what to do anymore...