Becca (butterfly_rjm) wrote in _survivors_,

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Husbands homecoming

Now, this isn't much about abuse or my story, however, my husband is coming home from a few weeks deployment with the Navy, and I just kind of need somewhere personal to talk about these sort of things. Yes, there is some reference to my abuse, but it's not that I'm completely going into it again. It's just, my mother denied it, my family doesn't know, my friends don't know, and in fact I'd rather not disclose that right now to anyone since you all were the first to get the story, any of it, at all (besides that I was abused).

First, you should know that our relationship isn't wonderful. Well, it was for the first eight months of our marriage. I mean, as wonderful as it can be. We'd dated for three years before we married, and we're now coming up on our two year mark in five months. We had the same relationship then as we did before a certain incident happend. High's, lows, me with my disorders, getting help, not getting help, I'm sure you all know how that goes. But he stuck with me through it all and helped me get over my worse habits, like od'ing all the time.
Eight months afterwards, I was unhappy with my job, so we talked about it for a few months, and I decided I'd quit. Quit, and the next weekend he has an affair with someone who was supposed to be a friend. I had told him I don't like how he treats her, and he said not to worry. Sure enough (although alcohol was involved on his side) **Warning, I'm going to be a little graphic because this still pisses me off** he fucks her, eat her out, and fingers her. I was in the other room and he did all of this without protection (which we had), and I know she was with two other guys earlier that month. I hated him. I still do at times. But this is besides the point, just a little background. It took me seven months to try and work it out again. I mean, he was trying, but I didn't want it. I stayed with him because I quit my job for him. Huge fights insued, and even some violence on both parts. Then, I decided it wasn't fair for me to get everything for free and make him work so hard for something that wasn't happening. So I went and visited family for a month, then came back, and it was so much better. I'm still not sure if this will be forever, no hopes anymore, but I know he's sorry, and it never happend before, and supposedly it won't happen again. But we're together for the long run right now.

So, now he's stationed on a boat and he goes to sea for different periods of time, this time a few weeks, next time a few months, then for six months. Luckily, no females work on his ship, or we wouldn't be together. I missed him horribly. Still sort of do, but now he's coming home tomorrow. And at first I was happy, but now I'm scared and mad. Not just because of the past with him, but because he asked me to do something for him. I'd done it before, but he asked me to shave down there. I don't have a huge problem with it, I hate when it grows back, but it's never really bothered me before, and now it is. I think I know why too.

I always told him that by lying to me like he did that I thought no more of him than a pedophile. Yes, it's harsh, but that's where he was in my book. He lied to me and cheated on my in my own house, with me right there, how do I know that he wouldn't do it to any kids I might ever have? I don't. He's proven that he'd rather have something else than me. And it scares me. Now, with the fact that I let my story out and haven't actually delt with it yet, and that he wants me to shave so I'm naked down there. I think that he may be attracted to children. I mean, it's harsh, he's never shown signs, ever, in fact, I'm probably being mean just thinking these things, since he's such a nice and supportive person. But, I can't help but thinking of me with no hair and how much he likes it and thinking about when I was abused, and if he'd ever do that to someone else. Maybe he likes me looking like a child for that reason. I don't know, like I said, I'm probably jumping to conclusions because only a few days ago I finally told my story to someone. Then I wonder, did she look like that? It's always there with me, what was she like, what made her so special? I know I'll never get those answers, and I'm not really asking for them, just trying to express why this is bothering me so much now and it never has.

Is it wrong for me to be so defensive and judgemental? I don't think that any of it is true, but it scares me none the less. It scares me because I think on one hand how if I don't do it, he won't be interested and find someone else. But on the other if I do, then I'll just be throwing myself into the cycle I was before where I don't live for myself, but just live to make everyone happy so that I could pretend I didn't exist in my sorrow. I do think it's just because of my abuse, and all the thoughts and nightmares floating around recently due to finally confronting it. But anyone have suggestions on how to approach this matter? Should I tell him what I'm thinking, even if it's taking steps back on my trust in him? Should I just trust him? I'm so confussed.... thanks for letting me rant.
Tags: pedophilia, processing
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