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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Husbands homecoming 
30th-Jan-2006 04:36 am
blue butterfly
Now, this isn't much about abuse or my story, however, my husband is coming home from a few weeks deployment with the Navy, and I just kind of need somewhere personal to talk about these sort of things. Yes, there is some reference to my abuse, but it's not that I'm completely going into it again. It's just, my mother denied it, my family doesn't know, my friends don't know, and in fact I'd rather not disclose that right now to anyone since you all were the first to get the story, any of it, at all (besides that I was abused).

First, you should know that our relationship isn't wonderful. Well, it was for the first eight months of our marriage. I mean, as wonderful as it can be. We'd dated for three years before we married, and we're now coming up on our two year mark in five months. We had the same relationship then as we did before a certain incident happend. High's, lows, me with my disorders, getting help, not getting help, I'm sure you all know how that goes. But he stuck with me through it all and helped me get over my worse habits, like od'ing all the time.
Eight months afterwards, I was unhappy with my job, so we talked about it for a few months, and I decided I'd quit. Quit, and the next weekend he has an affair with someone who was supposed to be a friend. I had told him I don't like how he treats her, and he said not to worry. Sure enough (although alcohol was involved on his side) **Warning, I'm going to be a little graphic because this still pisses me off** he fucks her, eat her out, and fingers her. I was in the other room and he did all of this without protection (which we had), and I know she was with two other guys earlier that month. I hated him. I still do at times. But this is besides the point, just a little background. It took me seven months to try and work it out again. I mean, he was trying, but I didn't want it. I stayed with him because I quit my job for him. Huge fights insued, and even some violence on both parts. Then, I decided it wasn't fair for me to get everything for free and make him work so hard for something that wasn't happening. So I went and visited family for a month, then came back, and it was so much better. I'm still not sure if this will be forever, no hopes anymore, but I know he's sorry, and it never happend before, and supposedly it won't happen again. But we're together for the long run right now.

So, now he's stationed on a boat and he goes to sea for different periods of time, this time a few weeks, next time a few months, then for six months. Luckily, no females work on his ship, or we wouldn't be together. I missed him horribly. Still sort of do, but now he's coming home tomorrow. And at first I was happy, but now I'm scared and mad. Not just because of the past with him, but because he asked me to do something for him. I'd done it before, but he asked me to shave down there. I don't have a huge problem with it, I hate when it grows back, but it's never really bothered me before, and now it is. I think I know why too.

I always told him that by lying to me like he did that I thought no more of him than a pedophile. Yes, it's harsh, but that's where he was in my book. He lied to me and cheated on my in my own house, with me right there, how do I know that he wouldn't do it to any kids I might ever have? I don't. He's proven that he'd rather have something else than me. And it scares me. Now, with the fact that I let my story out and haven't actually delt with it yet, and that he wants me to shave so I'm naked down there. I think that he may be attracted to children. I mean, it's harsh, he's never shown signs, ever, in fact, I'm probably being mean just thinking these things, since he's such a nice and supportive person. But, I can't help but thinking of me with no hair and how much he likes it and thinking about when I was abused, and if he'd ever do that to someone else. Maybe he likes me looking like a child for that reason. I don't know, like I said, I'm probably jumping to conclusions because only a few days ago I finally told my story to someone. Then I wonder, did she look like that? It's always there with me, what was she like, what made her so special? I know I'll never get those answers, and I'm not really asking for them, just trying to express why this is bothering me so much now and it never has.

Is it wrong for me to be so defensive and judgemental? I don't think that any of it is true, but it scares me none the less. It scares me because I think on one hand how if I don't do it, he won't be interested and find someone else. But on the other if I do, then I'll just be throwing myself into the cycle I was before where I don't live for myself, but just live to make everyone happy so that I could pretend I didn't exist in my sorrow. I do think it's just because of my abuse, and all the thoughts and nightmares floating around recently due to finally confronting it. But anyone have suggestions on how to approach this matter? Should I tell him what I'm thinking, even if it's taking steps back on my trust in him? Should I just trust him? I'm so confussed.... thanks for letting me rant.
Comments 
30th-Jan-2006 05:30 am (UTC)
If you are determined to 'work it out' you should take him to counselling. His affair wasn't a 'mistake' (my husband says stuff like that 'it was a mistake') and it wasn't a mistake he chose a friend of yours. My husband is always nicer after I get angry and confront him - but you don't want to start a repetative pattern.
30th-Jan-2006 06:39 am (UTC)
It's not wrong to feel defensive and judgmental: he did something that though he might regret, was entirely within his power to stop himself from doing - even if he realized halfway through (at *some* point he had to know it was wrong, you know?).

I second the recommendation of counseling for the both of you, as a couple. If you're worried about whether your emotions are clouding a situation, it's good to have a neutral person helping guide the two of you through resolution. This will also help, too, because having a neutral person explaining why you have every right to be worried might help him realize that it's not something to blow off. So often survivors get that "overdramatic" label put on us, and having a counselor tell him, "You broke her trust, and to her that means you could hurt her or children even worse" might help it to stick in his head.

It's okay to feel your emotions. Just like with physical healing - it's okay to feel pain when you're learning to walk again after a car accident, as long as it doesn't completely paralyze you from trying.

It's okay to trust, and have our trust betrayed, and still trust again after that. I know sometimes it feels like failure, but it's okay - "normal" people get their trust betrayed, too.

While you're talking with him about why you're having trust issues with him, doing work to trust him in other aspects of life might help reassure him that you do want to be with him. For example, when I was having trouble trusting my fiance with his ex, I practiced trusting him to do things like pick up milk on the way home from work - small things that we arranged so I could practice trusting him on small levels before I could be ready to trust him on the big levels.

::big hugs:: trust is really hard, but more often than not, it's worth the effort
30th-Jan-2006 07:50 am (UTC)
You're not wrong to feel the way you do. I commend you for sticking around to work it out, I don't know that I could were my husband to do something like that to me.

Clearly he can't be trusted. He's proven that. You're also right to be concerned that he may lean towards pedophilia. Follow your instincts. If that means leaving him, then so be it. You can make it on your own, even though it may be extremely scary.

Just because there are no women on his ship doesn't mean he won't have an opportunity to cheat on you. I'm not saying he definately will, but after cheating on you in your own house with you right there in the house at the same time, shows that he is extremly arrogant and willing to do whatever the heck he wants when he wants it, especially if you're nowhere nearby. In fact, by cheating on your in such a manner, he may have been testing you to see how much you would allow him to get away with. The fact that you were so hurt may prove to him that he will have to be more discreet, that he won't be able to push you as far as he thought he could.

Don't shave down there just for him. Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, just to keep the peace. Nothing you do or don't do will change his behaviour--you're not responsible for what he does. He is. You did not drive him to the affair, you did not make him cheat on you. He alone is responsible for that, he made that choice, not you. If he truly cares about you (which personally I doubt because he cheated on you in such a cruel, callous manner--just my opinion) he will understand your decision to do what is comfortable for you, and he will support your choice, even if it isn't what he wants. I have to wonder if by asking you to do this, before he's even arrived back home, if he's actually "testing" you again, seeing how far he can go again. All the more reason to put your foot down and not do it if you're uncomfortable with doing so.

8th-Feb-2006 06:03 am (UTC)
If you haven't read "Hair" from The Vagina Monologues, I recommend it. It's all about a woman who shaves for her husband and then stops. He has an affair. They go to counselling and she is convinced to give it one more try. She discover what hair is for and her husband never stops screwing around. You might find it helpful to read, it may give you some support.
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