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Just some thoughts 
26th-Jan-2006 09:04 am
I think I'd be a lot more optimistic about my future if I knew there was someone to share it with...whether that be a boyfriend a friend or even a companion, someone I could go somewhere with...anywhere. Currently, I have a boyfriend, but ironicly, now that the major issues (PTSD and some Borderline stuff) that have tainted our relationship for so long have resolved themselves he's not so sure he wants to stick around...just in case they really haven't resolved themselves. All he has is my word and I think that isn't enough for him. The distance he's keeping me at is killing me and I'm terrified that if he leaves I will not be able to manage without him. He's been everything to me good and bad for the last 2 years. My savior, my confidant...I can't just replace him, but he seems like he'd do just fine without me...in fact, he even told me this. He says he still loves me, but how can you love someone and at the same time not care if you ever see them again??? Sometimes I think he's just staying out of guilt, which I'm more than willing to accept. The last time we "broke up" (this happens often) I became hysterical.

Sometimes I don't see the benefit of working on all of my problems. When they are all over and done with I'll still be alone, just like I am right now...with no one to share my progress and new found self with.

It's sad that the most pleasant mood I am in is when I'm at work interacting with other people. After 5pm I go home to my empty apartment with my cat left with nothing but my thoughts of suicide to accompany me and my many available pills to do the deed with.

I feel like this is the end. The peak of my life really was when I was 19, not long before I was raped. I still can't comprehend that this is my reality only at the age of 24.

I'm so paniced at how to pull everything together. I worry that I'm not strong enough to do so.

Thanks for listening.
26th-Jan-2006 07:26 am (UTC)
Wow, this is really familiar. I always scramble not to stagnate because I feel like if I stop moving I'll sink.

I do know that you are stronger than you realize, and that even if you don't "pull everything" together, you'll pull together enough. "Everything" is a pretty big catagory. You will find people who want to engage with you. There are six billion people in this world; I always take heart in the fact that even if I spent the rest of my life trying I probably wouldn't be able to alienate them all, so there's no way I could have accidently done it and not noticed.

I hope you can find what you want.
26th-Jan-2006 07:53 am (UTC)
Yes, I know...errr...what I should say is that my rational mind knows this. I can always meet someone somewhere and I've done it before. It's just that right now I have NO friends and I mean none, I left them all with my rapist two years ago. I feel exhausted that I'm having to do this again and as opposed to a few years ago (I have a long history of depression and this isn't the first sexual violation) I feel I have little to no spirit left.

Thanks for the comment!! It means a lot! <3
26th-Jan-2006 12:29 pm (UTC)
i find myself saying "i know it in my head but i don't know it in my heart".

i'm just as isolated, i know how difficult it can be to feel so alone. all i can do is reach out to people online and do my best with my physical loneliness. and remember that "this too shall pass".
26th-Jan-2006 12:39 pm (UTC)
Yes, that's what I try to tell myself..."I've gotten through this before." *hugs*
26th-Jan-2006 09:43 am (UTC)
::big hugs:: I know and hate that feeling - feeling like everything I've done was for nothing - but even if we lose all our friends whilst we're struggling, we can always find more people, healthy relationships once we're a bit further out of the darkness. It's so hard to see from where you are that it's possible to have a very healthy and loving friend-family, I know.

We're with you. ::more big bear hugs::
26th-Jan-2006 10:36 am (UTC)
Yeah, well, he owe's it to me, so to speak.
He once used it against me one of the times when I broke up that I owed it to him to work it out because of all of the support he had given me and now that I've come to a place where I can actually give a normal relationship he's all iffy about it. So, I feel that he owes it to me to work it out because of all the work I've done for him, us and myself. I'm pissed.
26th-Jan-2006 10:43 am (UTC)
I think I'd have to agree with you there... it's tough. I'd probably be just as ready to say, "Listen, either you came back to work this out or you didn't", that's a really frustrating situation.

Maybe taking a week or so apart might kind of remind him that he had come back to try things again... sometimes when we resolve some issues in relationships, that's kinda the time that all the bad things flood back into our head. I've found that after a week or so, my brain will let me think clearly again.

Here's hoping he doesn't flitter off now that you've gotten some things straightened out ::crosses fingers and toes::
26th-Jan-2006 10:54 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'd feel really betrayed if he did. Like all the work I did was in vein.

He wants some time apart. He wants to ease back into the relationship. My problem is that I don't trust the distance, at all. He keeps telling me to calm down and what not and that he's not going anywhere. But I need to see him more than once or twice a week to really belive that. I'm trying to be patient...hence all of the self destructive behavior I've been pulling to keep my mind off of him.
26th-Jan-2006 10:31 am (UTC)

The thing I have found, is that if you are suffering with depression, or even if you have done in the past and are getting over it, it takes so little to bring similar feelings back, in the sense that you have been through all THAT, and now you have to deal with something else, I understand how easy it is to get demoralised.

What I found when I was 'not' dealing with the attack, was that I pushed all my friends away, and relied heavily on my partner. In my state of post-traumatic confusion, I actually left him, realising my dependance and thinking he was getting some form of control over me from it. Which I now no is not true, we are back together and all's good. Sorry for waffling, the point I am trying to make is that I am now actively going out and meeting new people, having fun and just getting on with life. If I can do it, I am sure that anyone else can, I know you will eventually, but you will know when you are ready to do so.

I really hope you can sort things out with your boyfriend, just remember that at some point we all question our relationships, at least he is talking honestly with you, and letting you know what he is thinking instead of bottling it up and turning it into a real problem. Whatever he decides to do, you have shown us all here what a strong person you are, you just need to believe it yourself.

And a last point, the peak of your life is still to come, as is mine. It's never over until the fat lady sings.

26th-Jan-2006 10:49 am (UTC)
True, I have made so much progress, but I still feel so empty. I guess I've spent so many years working on issues that I've had no time to enjoy anything on top of not getting to know myself in the process. I'd like for him to be there for the good things and the good things I have to offer and not just the triggers, panic attacks, and extreme mood swings. I'm just not so sure I can draw him back in and it really upsets me.

Consciously I know I can make new friends and rebuild my life...I flip back and forth between this notion. I've just never been this low before.

He is being honest and I know that I have to keep chasing him, like he did to me for the past two years. I strongly feel that I can not accept him out of my life. I will not handle that well.
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