mariposa_bella (mariposa_bella) wrote in _survivors_,

  • Mood:

good... relatively.... okay, maybe not.

copied from my lj:

things are good... relatively. i like my job alot. I'm getting faster at it (which is good, cuz i was really slow at first being that they haven't really trained me on much). I hope they hire me.

went to my nearly last survivor's group at church tonight. all we have left is the finale party. tonight was open question night. i asked 3 questions: What's a good technique to handle triggers? Do you have any suggestions for helping learn how to enjoy having intimacy and sex... without fears? and What does a healthy/un-healthy guy friendship look like? ...i'm feeling somewhat alienated. Apparently, i'm the only one in the group who deals with not wanting to be sexual...cuz noone could relate to me. All of them had the opposite issue... how to tighten the reigns on their sex drives. so they had no suggestions really... cuz they all already enjoy sex. they didn't have any ideas for handling triggers...other than maybe try to desensitize myself. and noone could say what a good guy friendship looks like besides saying it would look the same essentially as a good girl friendship but that they all have issues on friendships and can't really give advice. ...but then that gets confused for me because i'm not good at good girl friendships either. and further confusion comes in recognizing that to some extent i may at times have inappropriate/homo like feelings towards a woman... and they said that if you're married you shouldn't have emo convos with your guy friends... but that means for me i also can't have them with my girl friends... and that leaves me alone. oh, and she said that in marriage it's not fair that my abuse should affect my husband... so when i'm triggered in sex or something i just need to lay myself and my issues aside till later, pretend everythings ok and go on with sex because it's not fair to him and my body belongs to him. i can't expect him to be faithful if i can't give him any. i always thought that philosophy was malarky... but i must confess that i now feel like a total failure and like i'm being sent back to my past tortures of not having any rights over my body and sexuality. much for survivor's group to help me. i give up. why bother? it's not for me anyways. it's just for him. right? yeah. just for him. i'm meant to be alone, friendless, in a place without safety... and my purpose is to be my husband's blow up doll., anyone want to screw me? i'm not allowed to say "no" or "wait"... blah.

...and was gonna touch on the bankruptcy issue... but now don't feel up to it. please keep praying for me all of you who do that sort of thing or are willing to try... :) i need you guys right now. please tell me i'm worth more than my vagina... i hate myself. am such a loser...
Tags: coping skills, grounding techniques, guilt
  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded