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My story...thought it was appropriate..seeing as this is a survivor… 
29th-Dec-2005 03:09 pm

My story...thought it was appropriate..seeing as this is a survivor thing..Triggering though, so behind the cutt.

So..Ill start at the begining.

My name is Sophia..and it all started when I was 6 years old.My half brother...lived with us for a while. I think a year to be exact. And he molested me. I can remeber everything about it. The smells..the colors..what we were warring..what he said..how he did it..everything. But I didnt know this until I was 9. Anyway..so while I was growing up, my dad was never around. He was out screwing other women, adn the sick part is..I'd know about it..btu I didnt say anythign because I didnt know it was wrong. I knew each and every one of them..because he'd leave me with them and they would talk to me like they were my mom. But anyway so, I just grew up..blah blah..than when I was 9 I was severly Anorexic. That was the time I rememberd everything. I was lying on my bed, and just thinking about it..becuase I thought it was a fream..than I realised it was'nt..and everyhting came crashing down....So I quite eating. I dropepd 50 lbs in about 2 months. But by the time I was 11 I had beaten it..and was healthy again. Than..my parents got divorced. And that was so fucking messed up. He lived in an apartment for a while not to far from where I live. He ahd girls there all the time.and again hed leave them alone with me..which again is messed up. But the sick part in that is..my parents werent divorced yet. So..when they finally were..my dad got remaried 2 mntsh after the divorce was final..to an evil SOB woman. She was terrible to me..at theur house id be locked in my room..I couldnt eat what I wanted to, or anything that wasnt healthy. Id be forced to waer long sleeve shirs and pants..Id have to go to church every sunday and all that bs (no offence to any religious people)..and my step mom was verbally abusive and stuff..and she would alwyas cry when I fought back adn all this crap. So every time I came home from their houses I would cry for hours. AND I wasnt even invited to the wedding.. Anyway at that time my mom got a b/f. Where to start with this guy..he would beat me up..like it would start off just paying..than go to actualy fighitng adn it would hurt..and Id say it did but he wouldnt stop. Or like..he would touch me in places that made me uncomfortable, but he never like raped me or anything. Than It comes out that he was stalking me on our on computer..and only after they broke up did he try stuff..and I freaked out and told my mom..lets jsut say I never heard from him again. So..after that whole thing I stopped going to my dads..I just couldnt take it anymore. Than in 8th grade I started cutting. And it got really bad, like Id cut so bad I coudnt walk or it would bleed so much. Soon I ran out of skin. So now..Im still a cutter. I havent heard frmo my dad in 5 years..exception on a phon call taht I ended up yelling at him for. My mom found out I was a cutter on Mothers day of this year, (btw im a Sophomore in High school now) And now im 16..and this year has been hell. I started going to a therapist when I was 15..this woman is evil. I made the mistake of opening up to her..and she told the worts people in the world that I was abused. She told Child Protective Services..now there calling me..trying to get an interview so that they can figure out if they have enough to prosecute. My mom knows I was molested..She found out at the last therapy session I've had..(becuase I fired my therapist for betraying me). My therapist told my mom I was molested..and her responce was "I know" So..for 10 years she knew all along..adn never told me. Not once did she mention anything about it. And whats even worse is that she todl me it wasnt just once or twice..she knew about AL of the times he molsted me..and she told my dad but he did'nt beleive her. So now..im dealing with that..Im dealing with my anger. Im still a cutter..and still batteling the eating disorder..


Any comments would be nice...this kind of thing really helps.

29th-Dec-2005 06:49 pm (UTC)
I don't know exactly what to say besides that when I read this I felt connected to you. I remember in my Sophomore year of high school is when all the shit went down..it seems.
Thanks for sharing your story. hugs
29th-Dec-2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
::hugs:: Thanks for sharing your story. It's really tough to be a teenager enough as it is, without having the stress of sexual abuse at a young age, divorce, and cutting all mixed up in there, too.

Try to remember that most therapists are legally required to report anything even seeming to be child abuse, and that though it was a betrayal of your trust in her, I'm hoping that it was done with the best of intentions.

But either way, being with a therapist you trust is important. Having someone you can talk to about what you go through is essential to healing. While cutting and starving are *very* hard to break, it's possible to get past them. Sometimes all we can do for a while is to just try to hold out as long as we can, and try to cause as little harm as we can.

When I was breaking free of anorexia, it really helped to sit down and plan out my meals. I had a daily schedule (cereal bar in the morning, a sandwich and some chips for lunch, etc.) it was the same sort of food everyday, and it wasn't much... but it was enough to provide my body with enough nutrition to survive. As your therapy progresses, and you begin to understand a bit more about yourself and how to deal with all the stress, nightmares, flashbacks, and cutting... things can and do get better. ::hugs::
30th-Dec-2005 09:11 am (UTC)
We're here and listening to you. Hugs.
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