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the first part of my story 
17th-Dec-2005 03:49 pm
not only have i been raped once, but it's happened twice. and there seems to be a cycle going on. however, i only feel comfortable talking about the first incident. i wrote about what happened to me in a college newspaper, so i guess that was a sign i was able to cope. but i was made somewhat anonymous. here i go:

Let me set the scenario for you. You are at a basketball game. It’s halftime. The pep band plays their few selections while the teams are in the locker room, then leave for the band room to pack up. What happens next will ultimately leave a young girl emotionally and mentally scarred for the rest of her life.

On the night of January 4, 2002, approximately 8:30 p.m., during the halftime of a high school basketball game, I was in the company of my high school’s pep band. We played our few selections that were needed, and the band director told us that we could leave. On our way to the band room, everything was going smooth. However, when reaching the band room, the mood shifted.

I was in the instrument room packing up my sax and attempting to put it away when a guy from the trumpet section approached me with a proposition. This person will remain nameless because he does not deserve any type of recognition. He asked me to perform oral sex on him, something I did not want to do, and had made clear to him on an earlier encounter. He continued to ask me and ask me until I foolishly gave in to him, thinking that if I gave him what he wanted, he would leave me alone.

I followed him out of the room, where he proceeded to walk up the steps to a deserted hallway. I tried to turn away and return to the gym, but he yelled my name out for everyone to hear, so I thought I had no choice but to follow him.

The hallway was dark, deserted, and very quiet. He knew all the right places to go when he wanted some, so it was really no surprise that he had picked this area. He had the advantage because everyone who had stayed behind after packing up his or her instruments was heading back to the gym to watch the rest of the game. I saw the flashing of headlights through the window we were standing in front of, people pulling in and out of the bus lane in front of the school, and I thought surely someone could see us. Boy, do I wish someone had seen what he did to me.

I tried to tease him a little because that usually turned him off, but it didn’t work this time. He pushed me down to the floor, pulled out his penis, and pushed my head toward it. After about a minute, I thought he would be satisfied, so I stopped. I thought wrong. He wanted anal sex, something I wasn’t about to let him do. I tried to compromise with him, letting him have vaginal sex with me instead of anal, thinking that would satisfy him. Thinking I had won after we were in the act for a few minutes, I stood up. Again, he pled with me to let him have anal sex with me. I said no countless times. What happened next I remember very well, and still haunts me to this day…

As I was pleading with him not to do it, he started pushing me forward, towards the wall in front of me. I put my arms out in an attempt to keep him from pushing me any further, but he proved to be stronger. He had me completely pinned against the wall with nowhere for me to go. What was worse, I was already naked from the waist down, which made it easy for him to do exactly what he wanted. I started screaming, but no one came. My arms were pinned to the wall, so I couldn’t fight him off of me. After having anal sex, he entered my vagina once more, and I froze. I was in a state of shock. When he was done, he ejaculated on the floor next to me, and ran down the hall. I wanted to cry so bad, but I was so shocked that the guy I was crazy about for a whole year had actually sodomized me, had raped me. I ran down the hall because I was so embarrassed. The band director had to send someone after me to get the stuff I had left in the band room. I went to the gym, scared and shaking, and only wanting to go home.

I went on about my business the next day until he spoke to me after our band class. His comment to me was, “Looks like something’s [my behind] gotten bigger since Friday night.” I was furious with him and decided to report him to the office for sexual harassment. I did not know at the time that it could be considered rape. From the time I reported him to the day I graduated from high school, my life was pure hell.

I received threats from people, one of which was my own cousin (and his girlfriend), wanting to fight me because I did what I thought was right. Eventually, that drama ceased. A month later, however, I decided to tell my mother what happened, and she explained to me that I was mistaken when I reported him for sexual harassment. He had actually raped me. I was still scared to report it, but by that time, I was starting to feel sick. I went to the doctor, who said there was nothing wrong with me. I then told them that I had been raped, and he called the police for me.

In the matter of one day, it was around school that this guy had raped me, and the story had been changed so that people were saying that the only reason why I said he raped me was because I couldn’t have him. I didn’t want him; I just wanted him to pay for what he did to me. I began receiving phone calls from people saying that I lied and that I wasn’t really raped. I started skipping days from school, scared that people were really going to follow through with the threats they were making. All of my friends turned against me. The only person who believed me was, surprisingly, his cousin.

I had no evidence to really prove anything, but later that day, the sergeant from the local police department escorted me to the station, where I gave a full report of what happened. The official charges against my offender were 2nd degree rape, sodomy, perverted sex acts, and assault and battery. The charges presented against my offender were more than enough to have him arrested.

From there, it took six months for the case to go to court. During that time, I found out that he had also given me an STD, something that was going to be used as evidence, but my mother and I could never find out exactly what it was he had given me. We also could not locate the doctor who had administered the test. The guy that had raped me was taken out of my school and put in an alternative school. I stopped riding the bus home from school because the majority of the people that turned against me rode my bus, including his girlfriend.

After waiting for six months, the day came. I was told up until that point that I would have to testify against him. I was scared of the thought of me sitting in front of all those people and having to tell them in detail what he did to me, having to look at him, his mother, and his father, knowing that his parents would hate me for the rest of my days after this. I just could not do it, but the day before the trial, my attorney told me that he was pleading guilty, meaning I would not have to testify. I was shocked, but then he told me that my offender was only pleading guilty to the perverted sex act charge against him and admitting that he had vaginal sex with me, but he would not be pleading guilty to the sodomy charge against him because there was no proof. I felt I had won, but not completely.

I thought it was finally over. It was summer and I could relax, but when I went to see the band director before school started, she told me that he was coming back to the band, but only if I wasn’t coming back. Then she told me that she really needed trumpet players this year. She had made the decision for me. She actually wanted him there more than she wanted me there. I was so hurt by her decision that I would not walk on that side of the school for the whole year. I spent my whole senior year trying to avoid him, and in the process my grades suffered, the relationship between me and my friends suffered, and my relationship between my family and I suffered just because they cannot forget what this one guy did to me.

I think I’m doing much better since I’ve been away from home and away from those memories. Despite everything I have gone through, I still managed to enter Morgan State University on the Dean’s Scholarship with a 3.4 G.P.A. and 1150 SAT score. After hearing my story, many of my professors are amazed that I have made it this far. If I were to give up it would I would be letting my offender win, and I have too many things I want to do with my life for him to stop me. I’m working towards becoming a heart surgeon. One of my professors told me the reason I went through all of that pain at early age was to make me stronger, and God has special purpose for me. At one time I could not believe that, but now I truly believe those words. This is my testimony

the thing now is that with the second incident, it triggered memories from the first incident, feelings that i thought i had gotten past. on top of that, i decided last month that i wasn't gonna get involved with anyone else until i started counseling or therapy. as my luck would have it, when i'm not looking for anyone, someone always seems to find me. there is this guy that i'm really liking and i was really trying to fight the fact that i have feelings for him only 3 weeks into getting to know him. we went out Monday and he told me that he felt this connection between us. i was so caught off guard, although my guard was up. i broke down on Thursday and told him i liked him, too. however, i feel like if i let him get anywhere near my heart, he's gonna hurt me. i feel i need to tell him that. but all of this is so scary. i told him i was scared to tell him i liked him because i thought it was too soon for me to be liking him only three weeks in. i need advice on what to do. are we still moving too fast? how do i tell him what happened to me without scaring him? well, he did tell me that in time, i could ask anything of him. i'm just confused.
17th-Dec-2005 03:24 pm (UTC)
Argh! I can't believe the way people almost always side with the rapist. It just makes me want to cry. It's like they believe that girl's really make this sort of shit up. I think maybe it's got more to do with the fact that they don't want to believe that a guy they go to school with could be a rapist.

Society sucks.
17th-Dec-2005 11:12 pm (UTC)
Everyone did actually believe I made the story up cuz he didn't want me. I didn't care whether he wanted me or not by that point. With this second incident, everyone did believe me, but some of my "friends" decided that it was my fault that it happened. And I didn't believe that the betrayal by the people I care about could get any worse until the guy I really liked at the time had sex with me after the incident and then got with another girl.
17th-Dec-2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
I can't believe your band director actually said that to you! You'd think with the new year there'd be a Freshman who would take his place. It's so disgusting, people's responses, the nerve... I'm so sorry.
17th-Dec-2005 11:14 pm (UTC)
My little brother ended up being the star trumpet player, thank goodness. But she was there before, during, and after the rape occurred and she didn't care at all that it had happened to me. Actually, I believe that she had been hoping that I would quit the band for a while.
17th-Dec-2005 06:58 pm (UTC)
::big hugs:: Thank you for sharing your story with us, I know it's really hard to do, especially when you've had such bad reactions.

I, too, have ended up having one rape bring up more thoughts and feelings about any previous incident. A lot of times we end up unknowingly falling into relationships that put us in similar situations. It took me a long time to identify what led me into those relationships and how to avoid them - but, it was something that got easier and easier with practice.

I commend you on seeing a counselor, and trying to hold off on a relationship in the meantime. It's so hard to hold back (I'm one of those hopeless romantics that swoons a lot).

How I've approached my history with potential boyfriends or girlfriends is this: I usually say "I need to make sure you understand, before this has the potential to get serious that I survived a great deal of abuse. I want to make sure that you know up front that I'm dealing with the feelings and after effects of this - so there may be times when I will need to slow things down or take some space. This has little to anything to do with *you* and will be a way that I can take care of myself - I'd like you to know the whole, healthy, and happy me"

Because, that's really what we're doing - we want to give the best us that we can to those we love, whether it's as partners or friends or family. In taking care of ourselves, it's a bit easier for them to be prepared for the harder times. Life with me may not always be happy, but there will always be love, even through the really hard and sad stuff.
17th-Dec-2005 11:19 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it would be so much easier if he had a freaking phone. It is very hard to get in contact with him. I can go a couple of days before I hear from him. But, as I said before, everyone is saying that I should keep myself protected, but not so much that I block him completely and possibly miss out on the person that is meant for me. I'm just so scared. I keep crying. It's so confusing. I told him that I had been raped recently and he wanted to know if he needed to beat someone up. I thought that was so cute. Looking at how he's built, I definitely wouldn't want to get on his bad side. But he said that he's willing to go slow with me because he does like me. I feel like my feelings are so repetitive, though, and I keep bringing the issue up. I'm gonna scare him away because I believe if I open up to him, he's gonna hurt me.
18th-Dec-2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
WOW! First of all, your music teacher is wrong...I, too have been raped several times, each one was different and each one has its own memories...I almost always tell people my story of abuse...even my close friends, sometimes it can be a little crowded and I can literally "flip out"...I would like my friends to know what they are getting into(my closest friends, not everybody on the street)...I think right now, you should take this relationship slow, start out as friends, and try and work on yourself and those memories...stay strong and know that you are a survivor, thanks for sharing your story, we're always here to listen and help...lots of healing hugs for you :)
18th-Dec-2005 08:46 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the whole telling people what's going on with me is something I usually do. And I have mentioned to him that it's happened, but I didn't go into any detail because I didn't want to scare him off and I felt it may have been too soon to be telling him that I've been raped twice. I figured it would be too much for him to take in at this point and time. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Now I need some words of encouragement so I can focus enough to pass this exam I have tomorrow. :)
18th-Dec-2005 10:16 pm (UTC)
I hope all goes well with your exam...it could possibly be a bit overwhelming for you to share everything yet...lots of hugs to you :)
19th-Dec-2005 09:39 am (UTC)
:) Thanks! I think I might have done ok. But I guess I'll find out next semester.
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