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Will it ever end? 
3rd-Dec-2005 02:07 am
You know... it's hard enough dealing with my own memories and pain from my assault. I mean... it wasn't so bad when I still had everything blocked off. But, I unlocked that a while ago. I can't lock it back up again. I have accept that I can't get away from it. I still remember that day. I kinda gave up, stopped fighting and accepted that I would be constantly haunted. It's my curse for life.

Sooo.... not only do I have my own experience... I get to hear about others. I'm sensitive about it... so to me, it's everywhere. I notice all of it. It pissed me off, makes me feel trapped, makes me upset. I sometimes just close up.

It's weird when I trigger. It's like, I want to be held because I'm upset, but I do not want to be touched. Like, even my mom. She'll try to give me a hug, but I just freak out. I can't imagine how that must make her feel. =(

I remember being 12 and walking the dog, or being in the laundry room and knowing he was going to be there. He always was, even when I told him I didn't want to see him. I remember a couple times he would restrain me. Always hard enough to keep me from moving, but just light enough so I wouldn't bruise. He would make me kiss him good bye. I had to touch his dick. I remember one time I did get my hands lose and was able to move his hands. I remember EVERTHING. The emotional memories... being scared and confused. Knowing I couldn't tell anyone. Those hurt the most.

I remember I only telling because I didn't care what happened to me. I had NOTHING to lose, nothing to live for. So, I might as well tell. Then I also remember when the cop got done interrigating him and he came out of the builing... I was hiding in a bush. He saw me. Then he gave me this look like he wanted to kill me. It was scary, and for some reason, I will always remember that.

I really have come such a long way from then. When, I look back on it I really have. My panic attacks and flashbacks aren't that bad anymore. I know how to handle them and work through them. I understand everything a lot better. But yeah... this still bothers me. I hate feeling trapped and no matter what, never being able to get away.

I'm a free spirit, you could say. I'm stubborn... I don't like knowing that I'm going to always be limited by this. It kills me. I just want to be normal and happy. But, I can't.

I just need to keep learning how to deal with this. How to let it go. Then hopefully it'll bother me even less. I just needed to vent. I just want to get away. I can't though. I don't like knowing that. >.
3rd-Dec-2005 08:47 am (UTC)
You're always welcome to vent.

I've been in a similar place before, feeling like it all was so never-ending feeling. If you stick with it, and apply the stubbornness to your learning (which I do all the time - "No, I WILL learn this coping technique!"), things definitely get better.

The time after you've unlocked new memories is always the worst. No matter how prepared you were for them, you have to make a few passes around the healing spiral before they calm down at all in intensity. And since they trigger the heck out of us, we end up hypervigilant - and we see *everything* around us that's dangerous or abusive. Ugh... it can be so overwhelming.

We're here for you. Grab a good soft blanket and some tea (or cocoa). We're sending you lots of hugs and love.
4th-Dec-2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
Uhg... yeah. That completely makes sense. I never really thought about it, but I did start to notice things more after I was able to remember everything. It weird though, because you can't remember what it was like not to remember. It's just confusing. The mind is such a strange thing. The way it can lock up vivid memories like that. But yeah, thank you for pointing that out. =)
4th-Dec-2005 01:32 pm (UTC)
No problem. I've had years between flashbacks only to have two or three in one day before. And since my fiance is so kind to point out to me regularly how much more normal survivors are than the "normal" people, it's always nice to pass on that love.

The hypervigilance can be a real bitch. And yeah, it's kinda like all the time before it hits was just a big blur of nothingness. The real kicker is looking back and recognizing times when you were triggered and didn't know why - and realizing that you were triggered to a suppressed memory. ::hugs::
4th-Dec-2005 01:36 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm starting to do that now. When I look back on things I realise why they set me off.

But yeah, it's nice to hear that you really are normal. Most of the time for me, I feel so abnormal.
3rd-Dec-2005 02:43 pm (UTC)
I really think everything sistaraven had to say was right on, so I just want to let you know that I read it, that I know what it is like to be so positive that you'll never get past it. It seems so overwhelming and like it coats everything you see or touch. Your desire to keep learning how to deal with it will help you immensely. That doesn't mean it makes it easy. It doesn't, but it will be what carries you through.

Hang in there...vent when you need to. We're here for you.

Sending you love and strength,
4th-Dec-2005 12:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. ::hugs::
4th-Dec-2005 12:37 pm (UTC)
I can relate, my stepdad molested me, and when I finally got the nerve up to tell someone, when my mom heard, she told everybody I was a liar and I was doing it just to get attention...and unfortunately for me, it got a whole lot worse...and knowing my mom knew, made things much harder, as an only child, it was up to me to satisfy his needs, or thats what i was told...Last October after I had what they call a "stress attack", my body went into shut down mode, and a few months later, I started to remember, little by little and i had to start over like a baby...if I didn't have this place to vent and a few VERY understanding friends, I probably wouldn't be here...its very tough to deal with things like this...I've come a long way too, but not near enough...lots of healing hugs to you :)
4th-Dec-2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. =) I know what you mean though. The people on here have helped me so much, plus I have a couple friends around me who understand. If it wasn't for the support I dunno if I'd be here.

Healing hugs to you too.
4th-Dec-2005 01:50 pm (UTC)
Yea, same here...but we gotta hang in there and hope that its going to get better...lots of hugs :)
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