River (axelia) wrote in _survivors_,

why be an acting major when my life already has such drama?

I haven't really posted much, nor commented. But it's times like those of late that have me needing support from people who actually understand and not my best friend. For while he is great and understanding, I guess...I don't know.

The issues with my mother that surfaced last spring have come back. The suicide attempts, the 3 am calls from my brother, etc. I'm so close to just caving and saying "fine, I'll go back East." The guilt is so much worse this time as I had promised my mom that I would go back East to take care of her for a bit. Yes, it was at 4:30 in the morning, but I promised. Two days after I told her that there was no way I could make for fiscal and time issues, she tries killing herself. The entire East Coast family is just lapping this one up and I just want to scream. I'm at the point where physical safety and mental health be damned. Thank god my best friend keeps reinstating the fact that going back East is bad...

Then there is my acting class. I know I need to get over my issues of space and touching if I want to act which I do, but with all this stuff going on with my mom and such, the memories, I was having issues. I managed to get through my first stage kiss scene rather well, but now we're in a new segment. New scenes and new scene partners. My partner is the one I can't stand. He always says things to me that are just...wierd. Our scene is from a Eugene O'Neill play called Moon for the Misbegotten and it's between a brother and a sister. I have to kiss him. So we're rehearsing and such yesterday and I hug him and kiss his cheek. He grabbed my arm and got all confrontational, asking why I wouldn't kiss him. When I responded with that I don't make it a habit of kissing my brother he just sneered and said "Yeah, instead you fuck him." I have no idea how he knows about that...but I was shaken. I'm just happy my best friend and my other friend showed up then for the best friend punched my scene partner and my friend pulled me away and than they both sat beside me to keep him from talking to me...then today I'm in class and we're watching two people do their scene and part of it is really remeniscent of when my ex raped me (the girl is able to push the guy off and it's very brief, but still ungodly reminiscent). Scene partner leans over and is all "Wish that were our scene"...he's the one who would keep saying he wished he had been in the scene I was in last time where I had to basically seduce this guy in public...

And the campus fun. In the past month, there have been three sexual assualts. For a while, I would just take really late night walks since that was when I had time, with no care in the world...I never even followed the safety precautions. I just didn't care. I've stopped that, but I'm an acting major, I'm in a show. I walk home alone at night at 11 because of rehearsals. Today just wasn't my day. I managed to jab my elbow into the person's stomache who grabbed me and ran to my dorm. But it was midnight, raining, my ankle is injured, up three flights of stairs in a skirt that restricts my leg movements.

I don't know. It's just all piling in on me. I want to scream or cry but I can't. At least I haven't cut over this, which for me is an improvement. I just want it all to end because it's getting to the point where I'm not even caring about myself anymore, case in point in the issues at hand...I don't know. I just needed to vent or something. Sorry.
Tags: abuse: mental, sexual harassment
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