ilikesweaters28 (ilikesweaters28) wrote in _survivors_,

*deep breath* ok. so. This is kind of hard for me. I did some community-searching because I think I need to talk about this to someone...or to something, yay LJ. I actually created a new LJ account for the sake of joining this group because I don't want people to find this--I've never talked about this to anyone, not even my closest friends or boyfriend, so I thought maybe this would be a good idea. Really I just don't know what else to do. I guess no one will really read this but still...

I guess you should know first off that I'm 16 (female, fyi) and if the need for name usage arises, I'll just go by Annie. God, I'm fucking paranoid. But here goes.

I'd rather not go into detail right now. There's a lot of things about my childhood I don't even remember. But basically, it starts when I was about 6 years old. I remember my parents fighting all the time and one day my dad just never came home. I asked my mom where he went, but she lied and said she didn't know. I had to figure out for myself that I wouldn't be seeing much of him anymore. But that's not the point. To cut to the chase, I was physically and verbally (so in effect, emotionally) abused by my mother during the time my father wasn't around. My brother is a few years older than me, but I'm not to sure how bad he got it physically. He tended to stay out of her way, whereas I was younger and didn't really understand what was happening. I remember my mom locking us into our rooms (she had the locks on our bedroom doors reversed) on weekends for "Quiet Time." And a lot of other things, like I said I don't really want to go into detail. In actuality, the physical aspect of the abuse wasn't too severe-- I had my fair share of bruises and scratches, but I was never hospitalized or anything like that. Then again, I don't know if that really makes a difference. If you get hit, you get hit, regardless of the severity. Does that make sense?

My dad moved back in when I was around 9, I think. I don't really remember how long they were separated... I suppose it could've been anywhere from a few months to a few years. It seemed like forever. I didn't realize until about a year after that that the relationship I had with my mom wasn't normal. I thought every little girl got beaten if she said the wrong thing or locked in her room for hours every weekend. And that Mommies and Daddies lived in different houses all the time. So anyway, at that point in my life, the physical abuse decreased significantly, but the verbal and emotional was taking it's toll. I still got hit occasionally when my dad wasn't around; he never hit me, but was and still is completely controlled by my mother. So if he knew, or knows now, it doesn't make a difference.

So a few short years later, here I am still living with both of my parents. I don't get hit anymore...or touched at all (I haven't hugged my mom in....well, I don't think I've ever really hugged my mom. Just for New Years or something when we had to put on a show for friends and relatives)... which is fine by me. If she even accidentally bumps into me, I'll go to my room and have a panic attack because I'm so afraid of her and how much power she has over me. But verbally it's escalated SO MUCH. And I am absolutely miserable living with her because I can't look at her without knowing what she's done. Our relationship is beyond repair, and that's fine by me. But I'm still a minor and I can't do anything about it. It's not as if I can prove that she used to beat the crap out of me or anything, and otherwise our relationship could be deemed as a typical mother-teen one. But it isn't and I really hope whoever reads this will believe me. Because I don't think anyone else would understand just what it feels like to hate someone as much as I hate her. And to be hated in return.

Stemming from this whole mess are some of my current issues: cutting and eating issues, which I suppose is a reaction to someone making you feel absolutely worthless and in effect hating your body. Trust is also a huge issue for me, duh, it is with all of us... if you can't trust your mother or father, who can you trust? That's just how I see it, I guess not everyone will agree with me there. It's really hard for me to have a steady relationship with anyone now--friendship or romantic. And romantically, I don't handle sexual stuff well either because I never know what appropriate physical contact is, thanks to my lovely mother. Does that make sense? This is is just what I've been thinking about over the past couple of years. I never knew how many aspects of my life it could affect.

Some opinions or information would be nice? Thanks for reading/"listening" if you did. I really do appreciate even if I don't know you.

Stay strong. <3
Tags: abuse: control, abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, parent/abuser with personality disorder
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