upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

PLEASE read this anyone!

Hey everyone!

i just wanted to know if anyone can relate to me...

October was the month that my rape happened. it brings back really really bad memories.. of trick or treating with friends right past the dark forested spot where it happened... and nobody knowing... and how i felt like i didn't really understand what happened to me.. and feeling ashamed.

Since the second week of this month, i have been seriously upset. I'm depressed again. and although im taking meds, they don't seem to be working as well.

Unfortunetly, the second week in October every year is also when i have midterms. Needless to say, i didn't do so great.

Since the 8th or the 9th i have virtually shut down completely. And anyone who has been reading my posts along the way knows that i've made lots of progress, now i just feel like its all slipping between my fingers, as i sprial down into shut-down mode again.

im not functioning at all honestly. its a struggle to get through the days, and I'm also somewhat suicidal again.

i just get scared of going out in public, being alone ANYWHERE except in my bed room with the door closed (I've spent the past few weeks and weekends mostly in my bed, sleeping for large parts of the day).

I'm scared especially of MEN. like i really liked my zoology teacher he was really nice and stuff and was very very friendly i have some what of a crush on him... now... i can't even look at him. This is getting harder and harder for me. Thank GOD October is finally over..

can anyone relate to this or do you ever have trouble dealing around the time of the anniversary of the rape? and if you do, do you find it hard for friends or family to relate to you? or do they think you are over reacting or just 'don't care' something like that?
has anyone ever tried really hard to do really BAD in school, just to kind of show how f*d up you feel?

thanks for reading! :*(
Tags: anniversaries
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