upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

Okay so almost like clockwork,

i can feel myself getting really crazy again. i duno what it is. perhaps its the month of October and few months after that the aniversary of so many things happened. and i feel pain. like i really really do.

i'm having lots of trouble concentrating... even when i want to. I have really wanted to drink lots... but i don't.

i bought a six pack last night and drank 5. and it felt really good. knumb.

mom and i aren't getting along as well as we were. i'm in need of some more help, i think.

the therapy regarding my rape was done bout 2 weeks ago. but i still just keep having dreams and interupted sleep. i duno. for a while there... i was doing really really well.

now i feel like i'm knocked off the ball again. i went searching back through time through journals and diarys that hadn't been read or looked at for over 5 years. i discovered a tenative date of my rape. October 9, 1998.

I feel like there is a part of me that really just wants to be able to assign a 'day of mourning' or something to this part of my history, so that every year, i can feel bad. and its okay. but i can also compare to how far i have come since then, and feel happy again.

year after year, i have tried to ignore this anniversary, these few months where my life really changed forever. i have tried to go to school, pretend that everything was okay, and expect ONLY the BEST and the MOST out of myself... at a critical time in the school year. unfortunetly, this anniversary falls relativly close to the same dates of my midterms. so some added stress is well, brutal.

i am a smart girl. but i don't get to prove that during midterms when i feel that i am mourning for a part of my history.
i don't even know if this makes any sense? am i going crazy or am i already crazy?
i feel like someone opened up the top of my head and stired my brain around with a big spoon.
Tags: anniversaries, venting
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