I am overflowing with fear. It took me just under a half hour to be able to be brave enough to reach out from under my covers to get my book. I have been reading it for the last 30 minutes, until my alarm went off. I ran to the lights and held my bear the whole time I dressed.
I am not taking Brownie (my bear) to class, but I am not going anywhere with Courage to Heal. I don't know why, but a copy of that book works the same as Brownie-I just feel safer.
I am so scared. And I feel so dirty. I feel like if you even brushed against me, you'd be able to tell by the gash of blood it would draw and the mud around it I'd leave on you. Mud so deep it'd go right through your clothes and cake onto your skin. I hate this feeling.
I wanted to call Preston, but I am not going to risk cutting him. I love him.
I've come so far-less than a week away from my one year anniversary of not cutting myself, and I still can be stricken to a point of shaking from the terror of my mind and nightmares. I'm so afraid that it will never stop. I don't know how long I can be strong like this. Erica says it's just the emergency stage again, and that it's normal to re-cycle through the healing process, and that really I'd doing so much better this time around, and it won't last as long as last time. I hope not.
I'm not alone. You all understand me here. Even though I'm going to walk to class now using a book as a shield that really won't protect me, you all understand-right? I'm not crazy. Right? I really hope not. I feel a little crazy.
But I feel brave too. For even getting up, despite the fear. I forget how much fear a body can hold. It's A LOT.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for healing with me. Thanks for making it seem like I'm not as crazy as I feel. I am really thankful for you guys. :-)