Log in

No account? Create an account
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I feel akward asking this question 
15th-Oct-2005 08:49 pm
Random: Romance Novelist at Work

I'm not really the survivor of any sort of rape, but when I was 12 an internet pedophile was after me, and I never reported it, or told my grandparents. To this day I regret it, because now I odntk now if he actually managed to lure some girl to him, and if I did it's all my fault, and thats someting I dont like to think about.

But I am hear asking questions for another reason. I am here because last semester I took a sex education class and a police officer who tracks child molestors came in to talk to us, and show us how he tracks these sickos and arrests them. So, I asked him about these morons who make communites and write stories about incest, pedo, rape, etc. I asked him why that wasnt illegal and he told me because it falls under free speech. Which I assume is true, because its no different then somebody say writing Fred and Geroge Weasley incest, or whatever.

But, my question is, arent these communites where these...I dont want to say morons...but its the kindest word I can think, but in these communites where people support incest and they write stories abut having sex with children, isnt this ammunition for pedophiles, or 'recovering' pedophiles to start up their habbits again? Or to act on the impluses the story is giving them?

I'm asking this because I used to have a long distance relationship with a boyfriend, and he was just an average normal guy...but he would read these stories. God, he'd tell me about them, like a dad having sex with his 12 year old daughter etc. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. He never acted on any of the storys he read, but doesnt reading him make him a pedophile as well?

This has always bothered me, and I've tried to forget all about it, but I cant. It makes me sick. I still like the guy, and I dont want to think of him as a pedophile...but...because he's read these stories, does it make him a pedophile, and if he hasn't acted on these stories yet, what can I do to help him, so he doesnt become one?

I'm sorry if this isnt the place to post this, and if it isnt, I do appolize. Any answers or advice you can give me, I'd be most grateful for.
15th-Oct-2005 09:19 pm (UTC)
that would um bother me too. alot. if my boyfriend was reading shit like that, i would FLIP out on him. but thats just me. i would feel betrayed because m a survivor. porn is fine like i expect guys to like porn, what can you do. but i dont know if it ws a friend i would just laugh at him and be like you f-ing perv! but with a boyfriend its different. but if it makes you feel better he is probably not a pedophile. people read stuff like that because it is so taboo it makes it more ofa rush because of the negative emotions that are mixed in with it. if hes a normal guy he would probably be physically aroused by any kind of pornographically detailed story, but unless he reads stuff like that all the time, talks about it, buys videos, etc, i would not worry. but he should know how you feel. if heknows you are a survivor he should be more sensitive!
15th-Oct-2005 09:24 pm (UTC)
you know, it woudlnt of bothered me as much if it was like, you know, like I said, harry potter incest, or something, but for all I know, he could of been reading stories that guys or girls wrote from personal experience, and it scares me.

Personally, I wish people who wrote those stories were arrested, but thats just me.

It makes me glad tok now he probably isnt a pedophile, even if he isnt my boyfriend anymore, I just dont want him reading that garbage, you know?

It probably wouldnt of bothered me if that Pedophile hadn't tangled with me when I was 12 and because I never said anything, adn the fact that he could of never been caught, it doesnt set well with me.

It makes me feel better to know he pobably isnt a pedophile, thank you for taking time to answer me.
15th-Oct-2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
your guy, he's not acting on it so he isnt technically a pedo. But this should be a major red flag for you. Its not normal to read and possibly enjoy storys like this. who knows where all this can lead. Maybe urge him to get help. Maybe its a deep hidden trauma thats causing him to act in this way. either ways its not normal. proceed with caution.
(ps. im not saying he's a bad person, theres just something wrong up there with people that like that sort of stuff)
15th-Oct-2005 09:25 pm (UTC)
lol @ your icon btw.

Hes not my boyfriend anymore, that was a reg flag of 'stay the fuck away from me' since it was an internet relationship, it was easy to leave him, but I still talk to him, ya know, and I did care for hi,. so I want whats best for him
15th-Oct-2005 09:27 pm (UTC)
im so sorry. i didnt mean to use that sort of an icon in this setting.

Thats good. way to go with your instincts:) signs like that are best to follow.
15th-Oct-2005 09:29 pm (UTC)
no, I LIKED the icon, I thought it was kick ass.

To know he's probably not a pedophile is good. I just still dont get WHY writing stories like that is legal...I...just cant comprehend it
15th-Oct-2005 09:32 pm (UTC)
oh i know. i just realized it was a bit wierd in this community. too 'sexual' or something. THanks though, its not mine, but its hilarious.
I have no clue why they are legal. BUt its what began the worst of my abuse. My 'relative' read them online and it escalated. anyways. They should really be illegal. its so wrong.
15th-Oct-2005 09:39 pm (UTC)
See! I was right! It DOES give people ideas! I'll never forget the one he sent me all those years ago, I didnt sleep for a week, all I did was cry and think 'how could people write that garbage' (I didnt even know what it was until half way through....dumb mind of a 15 year old. It gave me an anxiety attack cause then I thought _I_ was a pedophile for reading half!) but thats what I asked the cop last semester. I said 'for all you know these bastards can be writing DOCUMENTATION' of what they did, its NOT fiction, but he's all 'sadly it falls under freedom of speech'. Its just...argh. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope your 'relative' got what was coming to them.
16th-Oct-2005 01:24 am (UTC)
yes. its my belief that majority of the time it IS documentation of real acts. thats why its so wrong. OR its at least coming from one or several acts that are continually mutiplying in his mind.
It was my brother. NO he didnt. He served time for a crime he never committed(cause he was too busy shredding my life to pieces), but at least it got him away for 2 years or so, so that when he came back i was old enough to find more ways out of the house. But supposedly, "he's repented" now. so im supposed to according to my mom "never mention it agian". he's still my brother, ive forgiven him, but i will never ever trust him. He wont be an uncle to my kids and they will never ever ever see him. (no kids yet-but we are trying). anyways.
I can understand why you got anxiety attacks over it. SO do i. the mention of porn and especially nasty materials like that make me freak out. I dont think its healthy for men to fantasize over demeaning abusive restraints and such.
Im so thankful my husband isnt into any of that at all.
Your a very strong and smart woman, good for you:)
16th-Oct-2005 01:28 am (UTC)
Thank you. :hugs: I'm glad that you wont let your brother around your children when you have them. You know I look at children, babies, etc and cant imagine why anyone would want to hurt them, much less somebody in their family! :shakes head: My worse fear is that I'll marry somebody like that but wont find out until its to late, it makes me weary about relationships in general, or bringing a child in a dangerous cruel world
16th-Oct-2005 01:35 am (UTC)
i know what you mean. my abuse/rapes started at five. but it wasnt family, it was my babysitter, a leader at my church. So its horrible, babys arent safe at church, school, with family members, even with thier own siblings. But i try not to be so pessimistic. just because i was part of the horrible statistics doesnt mean my babys will too. maybe i had enough abuse for all of them. And as for dating, freaked me out too. i did end up dating several horrible horrible men. the least horrible of them was a convicted child molester when he was 12ish. He was in jail for 6+ years. OF course i didnt know this until after we had hooked up. gah. that ruined me completely, cause he was so nice i couldnt understand it. Could guys like that really change? so after lots of turmoil and me feeling like i was being judgemental/shallow, i dumped him and met husband immediately. it was amazing luck. anyways. hope i didnt scare you. I met and dated some amazing guys too. Its all about listening to those red flags. womens intuition truly is amazing.
16th-Oct-2005 01:39 am (UTC)
convicted child molester when he was 12ish

excuse me while I say this...WHAT THE FUCK?! How the hell can a kid be so fucked up that he's a child molestor at 12...you know I dont even want to THINK what he was doing or the age he was doing that to...

I've heard of something worse in my family's circle, but you know...this is supposed to be a place of healing...so Im not even going to say it. I might not come to the community anymore, because I found out the information I wanted...and since Im not techincally a 'survivor' I feel as I am taking people's space (plus reading stuff like this might push me into a full blown anxiety attack) ugh...thats just...at 12...:shakes head:
16th-Oct-2005 01:47 am (UTC)
thens when my brother started with me. so i guess i can kindof "understand"it. he did it to kids just a year or two younger. same as my brother. which is one of the reasons i stopped dating the kid. I cant be comparing the guys i date to my brother. even if they may be 'healed'/over it. its still wierd.
Im sorry. ill be less graphic.
oh. and dont listen to what others deem nesscary to call you a survivor. Ive noticed in this comm and others like it, that lots of people get kinda "high and mighty" saying they were abused worse, etc. NO. We need to be supportive. everyone can be a survivor. i hate the labeling game.
16th-Oct-2005 01:50 am (UTC)
:hugs: ^_^ thank you. Maybe I'll stay, if my advice can help one person then I feel I am doing good in the world
16th-Oct-2005 01:54 am (UTC)
thats why i stay. i dont really make posts, but i comment alot and hope that helps someone else:)
im sorry if i made it worse. i should really keep things mum better.
16th-Oct-2005 01:55 am (UTC)
No. you didnt make it worse at all hon <3
16th-Oct-2005 12:44 am (UTC)
By the way, I just want to say that I think its so brave of you to survive and go on. I cant even begin to imagine any of my relatives do that to me. I saw your user info and saw that you got married, congratulations for being able to go on with life.
16th-Oct-2005 01:18 am (UTC)
thank you very much. Though i did go on and get married and all that, i never did report. Your doing something that is important for several others like you. YOu are protecting others from being victimized. That is so so important. Im ashmamed that i never was able to do that. I simply didnt have the strength. SO cheers to you:) i dont even know you and im very proud.
16th-Oct-2005 01:22 am (UTC)
But I didnt report the Pedophile when I was 12 either, but I'd like to think I'm trying to help my friend by getting him help so he DOESNT turn into somebody that victimizes. Btw your Guinea pig is cute
16th-Oct-2005 01:26 am (UTC)
well, im your age, and I still havent reported anything. I wonder if its too late or if i do report, if it will ruin this new life and persona ive built.
thanks. quizno is now deceased, but i miss him so, and i keep his photo up. im looking to adopt anouther. I miss having animals to cuddle. I think it helped my healing too:)
16th-Oct-2005 01:27 am (UTC)
I saw his picture and sang the quizno's sub song. "eat quzino's suuubs, for they are good to us, eat quiznos suuubs
16th-Oct-2005 01:36 am (UTC)
ha ha. with the wierd little gerbil things? lol.
16th-Oct-2005 01:22 am (UTC)
I have a very good friend who's a pedophile. Note - a pedophile, as in he's sexually attracted to children, NOT a pedophile as in a child-molester. He looks at child hentai, and he believes it helps him suppress his urges.

I think that stories and hentai about child molesting CAN make things escalate, confuse between fact and fiction (i.e., the myth that a child might actually 'enjoy' it), but if it's fiction... then it's no more illegal than writing an erotic rape scene. For some people it's just a fetish, not something they ever act on.

(I don't support it though.. but Id o think it falls under freedom of speech)
16th-Oct-2005 10:10 am (UTC) - my opinion
After reading this and all the comments that followed, something occured to me...the guy is reading about children being molested and other pedophilia crap...everybody assumes he's getting off on it...well sorta...is it possible he's reading that to better understand you...sometimes you can say you were molested, and somebody has no clue as to what you mean...I know sorta dumb, but still...just a thought, anyway lotsa hugs to you
16th-Oct-2005 12:59 pm (UTC) - Re: my opinion
thank you, lotsa hugs to you too. Its quite possible he was doing it to understand me
16th-Oct-2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with stories about that sort of thing. It's like saying a so called 'rape' story is wrong to read or write. And if you ever read those stories it's mainly bondage and dominating, so I don't see how they can label them as rape stories, but they are either way.

As long as the person isn't confusing the line between reality and fantasy then there's really nothing wrong with it.

Then you also have to think about what would classify as what you consider wrong. As forementioned there are horrible stories that encompass what we beleive to be included in the term *such as a father sleeping with his young children*, then there's the stories about something relating to the thought of pedophilia *such as a teacher and a student, but the student is 12/13 maybe older and is consenting*. The later is considered pedophilia even though it's common for 12 year olds to be losing thier virginity to older men as well, I don't agree with it, but it happens. What if it was a 15 year old? Would that change your thoughts on someone reading it? I once saw a porno with a step-father and his *college* step-daughter going at it. The title would have you believe something completely different, but they were both consenting adults and not realated by blood, so, if someone got off on the fact that they were still family then does that make it wrong to enjoy the show?

The whole point I'm trying to make is that there's nothing wrong with it being written about, nothing wrong with it being read, but when it actually becomes the act of doing so, then that's where we should stand.
17th-Oct-2005 06:55 am (UTC)
Firstly - you don't need to feel guilty about not reporting the internet pedophile. Many times the law falls in their favor (it's very hard to prove guilt with that). A close friend reported such a predator to the police and it took a *year* of investigation to have enough evidence to arrest him.

And about your ex-boyfriend: Whlie his reading of pedophilia and incest stories is a MAJOR red flag, it doesn't necessarily mean he is a pedophile or likely to commit rape or incest. With pornography, there are many things that people like that are considered taboo: group sex, furries, public sex, bondage, etc - that lots of folks like to *read* about. But a majority of those people don't act on those impulses - having major orgies, sex with animals, sex on the sidewalk, etc.

As for what you could do to help him? The best answer is always to make sure he knows he can talk with you. Even if he was harboring pedophile tendencies, calling authorities to help him without knowing for *certain* could alienate him from society and possibly make him more likely to become a perpetrator.

Be an ear that can listen to him. Let him know you're concerned about him, and get him to talk - a lot - if you can. I'm an incest survivor, and known men with those tendencies, and I found that most often, talking with them and giving them a place to air out their dirty laundry helped them. Often, their desires get so suppressed that they eventually explode, assault someone, and their post-assault guilt makes them build back up into the cycle again. Being able to talk about a dark secret like that, especially when they get the reinforcement that they're not a horrible person for having desires that are not okay to act on, that they can more easily get help for their problems.

I applaud you for asking this community this question, and for wanting to offer your ex help. We need more people like you in the world :)
This page was loaded Nov 14th 2019, 3:42 am GMT.