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hi, im new here. thought id tell my story. TRIGGERING. i cut… 
30th-Sep-2005 08:37 pm
sunshine dance gentleflower
hi, im new here. thought id tell my story. TRIGGERING.



i cut and pasted it from ym journal because i could not write this again right now. dodger who is reffered to in this is my boyfriend. i do modeling, amature, often nude, for money as a way of supplimenting my income.

i was comming back from a photo shoot. i got off at the max stop by pge park to go grab a happy meal. one guy was lookin at me like he just couldnt stop staring. i liked that. then this other guy walked up to me and asked if i was a girl hed been talking to inthe park the other day. i said no. he told me my outfit was really hot and he liked it. i said thank you and walked away. i was wearing my plaid dress and knee high boots. dodger loves that outfit. he thinks its sexy. makes me feel confident. id just done a great shoot. i felt good. i felt pretty and sure of myself. i went to the mcdonalds. ordered my food. in walked the guy who had just talked to me. he asked if i dance around here, like he thought i was a stripper. i said no, i did modeling. he asked if he could talk to me for a minute because hes a photographer looking for new people and he thinks im really pretty. i said sure. we talked. he was saying thigns about his work. i didnt understand. non eof it made sense at all. he never really explained what kind of shoots he does. he gave me a flyer. it looked like mroe than i wanted to get into. it looked like it might be porn. but i figured id find out and i could always say no. (this makes me laugh now. sure, i can say anything i want). so i agreed to call him in a bit and set up to take some sample pictures and set up to do a shoot. he said he was elaving town in two days and wanted to work with me when he got back. fine. if i didnt like him or the sample stuff i could choose not to work with him again. i figured it was worth a try.

i left. took some fries home to dodger. talked to him for a bit, hugged him and hung out and relaxed. then i called john, the guy id met. he said his name was john. the flyer said jake or jack i think. he said to meet him at 8pm at the mcdonalds. i walked down there. ordered a strawberry sunday. john walked in. he asked me not ot eat it cuz i might get bloated. that seemed stupid. i never get bloated relaly and im so anorexic looking as it is that bloating would help. but i listened. we walked up to fred meyers tog et a battery for his camera. we got that and then he wanted to copy my id. but the copy machine ate his money twice so we left.

ran into sir charles on burnside on the way. gave him a hug andt old him id talk to him later. the guy lives near pge park, not even a block from the mcdonalds on burnside. but i wont go into more detail than that. i know enough people that are protective of me to a violent extent. i went up to the guys appartment. i ignored the feelings of dread. i ignored the instincts id had to run ever since i met him. i went in. it was a tiny room, no windows, no bathroom. just a rectangle. he put my sunday in the freezer area of his tiny half fridge. he had me sit in a chair. he started trying to take my picture with his camera. but he was having trouble with it he said. though i saw the flash go off many times. he prolly took 10-20 photos of me sitting in the chair. then he got frustrated and switched to his poleriod. didnt make much sense to me. he had a wall covered half way in cameras. the tiny room had the half fridge with a tv on top playing armageddon on mute. music on a stereo, sink, cupboard, chair, bed, and various clutter. he had all those cameras and a bunch of female cothing and shoes. seemed for real in that respect. he asked if i could take the top of my clothes off. ive done nude work. he said he was gonna pay me. ive had to have naked test shots taken before. i took down the to of my dress and my bra. he took a pic or two. now i realize that the entire situation was stupid and bad judgement, but this is the part im most embarrassed about. he pushed my legs up on the chair and spread them. he pulled my underwear aside and put my hand down to open my crotch. he put my hand on my breast. i didnt move. i thought ok there are gonna be some pix taken that i dont like and then ill leave and never call him again. and itll suck but itll be ok. i didnt want to piss him off, i didnt trust him. i was too spineless to argue. he put his hands on my crotch. i knew this was bad, i knew he was all wrong when he touched me without asking. he held it open and pushed my legs up on the chair arms. i told him im not flexible enough to spread that far. he did it anyways. he held my crotch open and took pictures. he held it open and spread oil on it to make it shine and took pictures. he was pulling the poleriods out with his teeth and taking more.

i put my legs down finally and was ready to leave. he stood in front of me blocking me and took off his yellow shirt and brown corderoy pants. he yanked his dick out the top of his tighty whiteys (never trust a man in tighty whiteys) and he shoved his penis in my face, going for my mouth. i turned away and shut my eyes. said no. he put my legs back up on the arms of the chair and put his arms under my bent knees and around my back and lifted me up, crotch against his chest, into the air. i tried to get down. i said hey no. but he put me on the bed, back down, and layed on top of me. he was trying to put his dick in me but it was soooooft. i said no and struggled to get away, legs flailing and arms too. he got control of me better, quickly. put my legs around him and i was pushing at his stomach and chest as he rubbed his limp dick against my genitals. i was saying ow ow ow as he did this aand he was holding me by the side of my neck and my collar bone. i was pushing at him and he kept moving his hands away. my face was twisted in tearless crying and i was saying ow ow youre hurting me. he told me to be quiet and stuck his thumb in my mouth, pulling hte side of my mouth, the rest of his hand on my cheek. as i was pushing at his and yelling and crying he got hard. (you fucking like that asshole? that turn you on? fuck you.) he shoved his dick in me. i was yelling louder. his hand was on my neck pressing down. he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the bed, put my legs above his shoulders or arms or something, i oculdnt move them. i was pushing at him. i was yelling. he kept going. it was hurting, i was trying to push enough at lreast that it didnt hurt as much, make him not trust in as hard. the door was bolted, he was strongwer than me. i thought maybe he wasnt going to let me go. i didnt hit him, didnt bite, didnt do a lot of thigns i should have. i didnt want to agrivate him. i feel so stupid. but i wanted to wlak out of there ok (well as ok as i could be), i wanted him to let me go and not harm me more. so i didnt fight as hard as i could. i yelled and squirmed and pushed but he just kept going. i should have done soemthing, but i was afraid. he was asking me to play with his nipple piercing but i wouldnt. he moved back a little, he ejaculated on my leg. he moved down to start going down on me. i pushed his head away.

i curled up in a ball for a minute. he was asking what was wrong. like he didnt know. like he didnt get what just happened. i sat up to go. he was behind me, rubbing my shoulders, he put his arms around my body and held me still so i couldnt stand. he said people are bastards arent they? you cant fuck with anyone anymore. he wanted me to stay. i didnt looka t him. i tld him i had to go. i told him i had to go to the store before it closed. (i had like 2 hours but whatever). he asked if he could walk with me but i said i had to meet my boyfriend. he was trying to talk to me about yoga and relaxation techniques. i considered wiping his cum on his ugly orange flower print blanket but ended up wiping it on his shirt that was laying on the ground. stupid stupid stupid. i should have used my own dress. i wasnt thinking about that. i was trying to clean up enogh to leave. i put my dress back ont he top of me. he asked me to come back tomorrow (today) and finish the shoot and hed pay me. i told him id call him. i had no intention of that of course. but easier to say that. he went to kiss me but i moved my head and he kissed my cheek, facial hair prickling at my cheek. he was telling me how hot i am and how much money i could make.

i left. as i left he said he knows my boyfriend is a bastard. how would he know this? it isnt true. he is the bastard. i walked out and got out my phone and called dodger. i asked him to meet me at the book section of the fred meyers.

so after that my boyfriend and i went to the hospital. they called the police and i had a rape kit done. it was horrible. the police woman was rude and acted like i was asking for it because of what i do for a living. and she looked at me like i was probably lying because i have mental illness. but i dont make shit up and i wouldnt put myself through some horrible exam for nothing.

the detective was really nice the next day. but he didnt arest the guy when he talked to him a few days later. he just took the pictures as evidence, they took my clothes at the hospital too. and the report was sent to the D.A. i was told that if they decide to take this to court i will be notified. so far ive heard nothing in the last week and a half. so i will call on monday i think. he is still free. he is still living in my neighborhood. i still have to pass by there all the time. im having to go back to modeling because i need the money even though i dont fel safe. because it pays more than a real job and i havent been able to find a real job fast enough. ive been looking for one for 2 years actually. jobs are few in this town.

my views on things have changed. the way i look at sex, sexuality, clothing, vulnerability, playing around. my views of myself. and i admit i blame myself for this because i put myself in a bad situation, i didnt follow my gut, and i got hurt. i did something stupid and risky and it backfired.im not stupid. so therefor im at fault. im not saying he isnt a sleaze and he didnt do something wrong but that doesnt mean i didnt fuck up. my mother also blames me. my boyfriend blames himself a bit and is really violently angry at the guy. my mom asked me what i was wearing and called me a whore and all sorts of things.

i havent gotten all emotional and broken down. i have been really depressed but it took a whiel for even that to sink in because i detached so much. and i have been panicing, like when i had to go in for an annual pelvic exam and stuff. and i have hurt myself a bit. and i have been suicidal but i dont think its totally the rape, i think its a lot to do with the rest of my life falling apart at the same time.

i should probably shut up but i thought id share.

Comments 
30th-Sep-2005 09:12 pm (UTC)
i'm so sorry this happened to you. Ignore your mother. she is clearly not understanding what you're going through and in some ways may be blaming herself and doesn't know how to show it. Your boyfriend sounds like he is good for you, please don't hurt yourself. come on here, let everything out. if u want to, i have msn - we can talk.
hang in there

Belle
30th-Sep-2005 09:14 pm (UTC)
thanks. my msn is jello_tart@hotmail.com
30th-Sep-2005 09:17 pm (UTC)
oh im so so sorry. YOur mom was wrong and im sorry she treats you that way. Im glad you shared this with us. You didnt deserve this in any way. no one does. even if you do the modeling, hell, ive done worse. its not your fault.

on a side note, im from portland too.
30th-Sep-2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
ps. my aim is goldieknox03 and msn messenger is janeknox01@Hotmail.com
im up all hours of night and day.
30th-Sep-2005 09:21 pm (UTC)
thanks, im brokenashleydoll on aim
1st-Oct-2005 01:05 am (UTC)

So sorry for what you've been through! I can see some of my own past in your experience :( I'm a former sex worker (and am NOT comparing modeling to sex work, of course, but I can understand some of the fear and social stigma and desperation).

First of all, you DID NOT deserve to be raped just because you went to the guy's house or posed for him. He took advantage of you and violated you, and committed a crime. No matter what you have said yes to previously, you always have the right to say no at any point.

Also know that you are very much worthwhile and valuable and precious, just as much as anyone else. Having to do nude modeling for a living does not affect that - you are still a beautiful person and deserve to be treated with respect.

I can totally understand why you'd be scared to go back to modeling - and if you let me know where you live I can find some resources for you both in terms of counseling and also other ways to make money, get help with groceries, rent, etc so you can take some time off. Feel free to email me anytime at cedeptula@ucdavis.edu and I'll get back to you.


1st-Oct-2005 01:09 am (UTC)
thank you. oh, and i live in portland oregon.
1st-Oct-2005 02:34 am (UTC)

*Many hugs*

You might try the William Temple House - they provide free counseling, as well as emergency financial help. They have three locations and are nonreligious unless you specifically ask for religious counseling. Lots of people who'd had issues like yours (sexual assault, depression, poverty) said it had helped them.

http://www.williamtemple.org/contact.asp

Also, you might try Portland Direct - they also offer counseling and support services.

http://www.portlandimpact.org/services.htm

Hope this helps!
1st-Oct-2005 01:36 pm (UTC)
thanks so much.
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