Hyperventilating right now. Feel sick, like I'm going to throw-up.
I was dissociating a bit, not bad, just... not in a good frame of
mind. Thought that hey, maybe I should call a crisis line, see if
they can help. and then started feeling a whole lot worse.
I'm not sure why. I think it's because it'll make it real.
If I call a RAPE crisis line, then I'm calling what happened to me
rape. If it's a sexual assualt one, it doesn't have that
four-letter word in it... but it still means I have to say it's real,
it happened. And if they agree, then that's that. It
happened. And if they don't, one more hope dies.I'm scared.
I don't want to do this.So I guess I'll just get through the night
without anyone. I've done it before... it's hard, but
do-able.But what if I can't heal until I actually do call? But
what if they end up hurting me?
It also reminds me of something that happened earlier this week.
I saw an ad for the sexual assault support center or whatever it's
called. I got excited (through scared), figuring that maybe I'm
ready for this. And then I saw where it's located. At the
WOMEN's resource center. I'm not a woman. It's not for
me. So much for that.
So I guess I need to just keep trying to do this on my own. or
call a shrink. A few problems with that. One, I'll need to
stop going at the end of this year (or starting paying for it on my own
and I don't have money to spare) and I'm scared things will be dredged
up and not dealt with. Two, I've brought it up in therapy several
times before, with different therapist, and never got anywhere. I
don't think shrinks take what happened to me seriously. So why
would it help this time? Three, time. of course, panicing
and such takes up huge portions of my time now. If therapy takes
care of that...I don't know. I don't want to deal with
this. of course, there's a voice screaming in my head, "yes you
do... you never got hurt in the first place, you're just pretending
that that was rape or "sexual assualt" so you can play victim and get
people to fuss over you. You just like the drama..." if
someone else went through it, I wouldn't say that. But it wasn't
someone else, it was me, and somehow the rules are different.