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getting help... (trigger?) 
24th-Sep-2005 08:00 pm
Hyperventilating right now.  Feel sick, like I'm going to throw-up.

I was dissociating a bit, not bad, just... not in a good frame of mind.  Thought that hey, maybe I should call a crisis line, see if they can help.  and then started feeling a whole lot worse.

I'm not sure why.  I think it's because it'll make it real.  If I call a RAPE crisis line, then I'm calling what happened to me rape.  If it's a sexual assualt one, it doesn't have that four-letter word in it... but it still means I have to say it's real, it happened.  And if they agree, then that's that.  It happened.  And if they don't, one more hope dies.I'm scared.  I don't want to do this.So I guess I'll just get through the night without anyone.  I've done it before...  it's hard, but do-able.But what if I can't heal until I actually do call?  But what if they end up hurting me?

It also reminds me of something that happened earlier this week.  I saw an ad for the sexual assault support center or whatever it's called.  I got excited (through scared), figuring that maybe I'm ready for this.  And then I saw where it's located.  At the WOMEN's resource center.  I'm not a woman.  It's not for me.  So much for that.

So I guess I need to just keep trying to do this on my own.  or call a shrink.  A few problems with that.  One, I'll need to stop going at the end of this year (or starting paying for it on my own and I don't have money to spare) and I'm scared things will be dredged up and not dealt with.  Two, I've brought it up in therapy several times before, with different therapist, and never got anywhere.  I don't think shrinks take what happened to me seriously.  So why would it help this time?  Three, time.  of course, panicing and such takes up huge portions of my time now.  If therapy takes care of that...I don't know.  I don't want to deal with this.  of course, there's a voice screaming in my head, "yes you do... you never got hurt in the first place, you're just pretending that that was rape or "sexual assualt" so you can play victim and get people to fuss over you.  You just like the drama..."  if someone else went through it, I wouldn't say that.  But it wasn't someone else, it was me, and somehow the rules are different.
24th-Sep-2005 07:47 pm (UTC)
Why is it that the rules are always different for others and not ourselves? I deal with that as well.
And just because it's at a women's center and you're not a woman doesn't mean you can't go there. Perhaps just calling them on the phone and asking for general information might help you.
24th-Sep-2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
Rape hotlines are also for all kind of sexual assault and sexual abuse. You can call a rape hotline without calling what happened to you rape.

You can probably go to the women's resource center anyway. I doubt they'd turn you away - you're also a victim of sexual assault.
25th-Sep-2005 04:17 am (UTC)

Well - you should definitely not have to go through this alone. (sending many hugs your way).

There have to be some resources out there - and regardless of how you identify, the LGBT center nearest you should be able to refer you somewhere or provide you with a counselor. Also the previous comment is right about the hotline and the women's center - I can't imagine them turning someone away! At worst they'd suggest that you go somewhere else, and tell you where to go.

Counseling/support isn't about keeping you feeling like a victim forever, it's intended to help you heal so you can move forward with your life and become a survivor.

If you'd just like to talk or vent - feel free to write me anytime, I've just friended you :)
25th-Sep-2005 05:03 am (UTC)
Sometimes there are so many barriers to gettiing whole and well arent there? ::sigh::

I've have therapists that couldnt or didnt meet my needs, I dont see them anymore... and I've dealt with panic disorder; its very scary.

You have alot going on right now...is there a sliding fee scale or free conceling center in your area?
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