upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

the session today was pretty hard. it was long and tough on me but i feel better.


this session was a continuation of last session on tuesday. these are pretty hard for me..
they bring up a lot of repressed feelings and thought that are really hard for me to handle... but i think im doing okay, because i want to get better and im fighting through all of this.

so today, it was the second have of one trauma. it was the first time i was ever, sexually abused, i guess if that is what you want to call it?

i was at a party, 13 or 14 a freshmen in high school. an older hockey player this big stalky guy tony, got me pretty wasted at a party, telling me and helping me do keg stands... and then took me outside.. and held my head down on him.
now that part of this experience..on a scale from one to ten, ten being very painful and zero being neutral... i rated this as a 7 or 8. after the session, it was a 0.
i really did feel neutral about it. i reprocessed it

it worked when i didn't nessicarily think that i would. but it really worked. like just from the first time.
im impressed.

so then today was the second half of that trauma...
this is the part where this older girl that i knew in school came up to me in the lunch room and asked me "are you the girl who gave tony leclair a blowjob?"
and i said "um yeah"

i felt all kinds of mixed emotions, hurt, confronted, that she was rude, that i wanted her to like me, anger, resentment, disgust, shame..everything and alone. i wanted this girl to understand and take my side she said instead , "oh hes a good friend of mine"

so i really had to come to grips with what that meant to me... it kind of defined, what i needed ... an older sister, a shoulder to lean on, a best friend who would take care of me... and protect me ... making sure that night had never turned out the way that it did.

early in the session i rated that scene.. a 7 or 8...pretty intense, confusing, and complicated.
by the end of the session, it was only about 1/2...still just a little painful.
and right now typing these words... i feel almost neutral about it.
i just feel like from that experience, i learned that i need to take care of myself well first or nobody else will, also what it is to be a good friend. and i just cant wait to try this new path out on myke and aly.

i know that i have not been there for them, times in the way that i wish that they could be there for me......

i know how much i hurt aly, she still thinks about it......like she mentioned the other day..about how when we were at keiths... she told me that she liked him, after she brought me over, then i went to bed with him, when totally wasted, and she came up stairs to see us in his bed together.
i don't know, actions in this case will speak louder than words i believe.
and myke told me that she felt uncomfortable... and scared when i went off to make out with some guy i had only known for a little while..wasted yet again.. anything could have happened to myke or i when we were seperated and alone at some stranger's house.

so right now, this trauma, is half, not quite neutral... but with some more taking care of myself... i think it can be...maybe we will talk about this more later...
it is definately not a 7 anymore! yay! :)

thanks sooooo much for listening....
we start on the rape.

im scared but anxious to see what kind of progress i can make.
i'll post again soon.
thanks to everyone for your support and advice. you have all been such a life saver! :)

stay srong. never give up.
Tags: emdr, rape: oral, rape: substance-induced
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