I wish I could start this entire day over. I've been having a hard time all week. Last night I had a dream about a little girl who was being sexually abused, I think it was by her dad. The mother new and would talk to her about it, but she didn't care...and she didn't stop it. Whenever the girl was about to be abused I saw the guy come in the room, then it would black out. It was a terrible dream.
So those are two things that have me kinda weak atm. Then lately I've had a "I don't care about myself" attitude. I feel like I was put here to be a item, so that's what I'm making myself. I'm trying to stop though. I really want to.
I lost my virginity today...
Those things I mentioned above were part of the cause...then I was just being stupid. I let this guy come over today who I had seen a couple times...my parents weren't home. I was home alone for about four hours. I had no idea it would go this far...
It started off with a masage...my pants came off. The couch wasn't good enough for him...so we put a blanket on the floor. Underwear came off. He gave me oral with his mouth and hands. His clothes came off. I got more oral...he wanted me to use my mouth but I didn't want to so I had to use my hands. He was dripping cum everywhere...it was discusting.
I forgot how we got here, but I was on my stomach with my ass in the air. He sticks it in my ass...it hurt like hell. It was so hard to stand it...but I didn't say anything. Eventually it got numb and I didn't feel it.
He had me lay on my back...he stuck it in my vagina. I really didn't feel a thing. I don't know why...but I didn't feel anything. I almost started crying...I had to bite my lip. I feel like someone stole my spirit. I know I didn't say anything and I let him in, but I didn't want sex...but I didn't say no. I don't know why. He didn't have protection. I don't want to get pregnant, I don't want a baby right now...especially not his. I'm praying that I won't get pregnant.
I never fully understood that psychotic feeling people get when they feel sooo dirty, so violated. I was assaulted before...this wasn't a assault, but I didn't want sex. I didn't want to give it to him. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and cried for I don't know howw long...pushing...trying to get it out of me. I wanted it out. I changed my underwear, I washed between my legs and cleaned in there...I felt like scrubbing until my skin was gone. I washed my hands numerous times...the smell still doesn't seem to be gone. Then...I took off my shirt, undid my shorts...and scratched the word whore into my lower stomach. I wanted to hurt myself...but I didn't want anyone to see it. It didn't break the skin...but there are nice red welts. It felt good for some reason...I didn't want to stop. I feel like I went crazy. The pain, devistation...being dirty, violated...my virginity is gone...it feels like my spirit is gone.
It hurts down there...my lower abdomen hurts...I'm kinda nassious. My pants rub against my scrapes and it kinda hurts. I want to die. Why did I let this happen? I know it was my fault...but why did I let it happen? Why couldn't I say no? I stopped it...he stopped when I said too. He was only iside my vagina for a few minutes. I don't want a baby...especially not his. I was my virginity back. He didn't pop me...but it's gone. Because of my weakness and stupidity.
I want to scatch those letters in more...I know I shouldn't. I just want to die...or at least start this day over. I need to act okay when my spirit feels gone and I don't even want to exist anymore.
I don't know what to do...