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Can I die yet? 
11th-Aug-2005 08:12 pm
Graffic and detailed...
I wish I could start this entire day over. I've been having a hard time all week. Last night I had a dream about a little girl who was being sexually abused, I think it was by her dad. The mother new and would talk to her about it, but she didn't care...and she didn't stop it. Whenever the girl was about to be abused I saw the guy come in the room, then it would black out. It was a terrible dream.

So those are two things that have me kinda weak atm. Then lately I've had a "I don't care about myself" attitude. I feel like I was put here to be a item, so that's what I'm making myself. I'm trying to stop though. I really want to.

I lost my virginity today...

Those things I mentioned above were part of the cause...then I was just being stupid. I let this guy come over today who I had seen a couple times...my parents weren't home. I was home alone for about four hours. I had no idea it would go this far...

It started off with a masage...my pants came off. The couch wasn't good enough for him...so we put a blanket on the floor. Underwear came off. He gave me oral with his mouth and hands. His clothes came off. I got more oral...he wanted me to use my mouth but I didn't want to so I had to use my hands. He was dripping cum everywhere...it was discusting.

I forgot how we got here, but I was on my stomach with my ass in the air. He sticks it in my ass...it hurt like hell. It was so hard to stand it...but I didn't say anything. Eventually it got numb and I didn't feel it.

He had me lay on my back...he stuck it in my vagina. I really didn't feel a thing. I don't know why...but I didn't feel anything. I almost started crying...I had to bite my lip. I feel like someone stole my spirit. I know I didn't say anything and I let him in, but I didn't want sex...but I didn't say no. I don't know why. He didn't have protection. I don't want to get pregnant, I don't want a baby right now...especially not his. I'm praying that I won't get pregnant.

I never fully understood that psychotic feeling people get when they feel sooo dirty, so violated. I was assaulted before...this wasn't a assault, but I didn't want sex. I didn't want to give it to him. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and cried for I don't know howw long...pushing...trying to get it out of me. I wanted it out. I changed my underwear, I washed between my legs and cleaned in there...I felt like scrubbing until my skin was gone. I washed my hands numerous times...the smell still doesn't seem to be gone. Then...I took off my shirt, undid my shorts...and scratched the word whore into my lower stomach. I wanted to hurt myself...but I didn't want anyone to see it. It didn't break the skin...but there are nice red welts. It felt good for some reason...I didn't want to stop. I feel like I went crazy. The pain, devistation...being dirty, violated...my virginity is gone...it feels like my spirit is gone.

It hurts down there...my lower abdomen hurts...I'm kinda nassious. My pants rub against my scrapes and it kinda hurts. I want to die. Why did I let this happen? I know it was my fault...but why did I let it happen? Why couldn't I say no? I stopped it...he stopped when I said too. He was only iside my vagina for a few minutes. I don't want a baby...especially not his. I was my virginity back. He didn't pop me...but it's gone. Because of my weakness and stupidity.
I want to scatch those letters in more...I know I shouldn't. I just want to die...or at least start this day over. I need to act okay when my spirit feels gone and I don't even want to exist anymore.

I don't know what to do...
Comments 
11th-Aug-2005 07:45 pm (UTC)
you didnt let this happen. Im so sorry that this happened. Please get help. If you live in usa, you can go to planned parenthood and get the morning after pill. just incase. You dont even have to report it yet. Though i think you should.
LEt yourself rest. dont hurt yourself. ITs not your fault!
12th-Aug-2005 12:21 am (UTC)
I'm calling my doctors office in the morning. I'm 18 and I'm in the US. I don't want my parents to know and I don't think I'm going to report it. They will just ask why I didn't say no. I'm definitely going to get myself taken care of though. Thank you for your help.

::hugs::
11th-Aug-2005 08:01 pm (UTC)
it's not your fault that this happened. yes you did let it but sometimes people do things they don't want to when they're scared or feel like they can't say no for whatever reason. if he didnt orgasm or whatever inside of you then it's more unlikely that you could get pregnant. but there's always precum and stuff like that so there is a slight chance and you should definitely try to get some contraceptives. idk if you need to talk or anything i'll give u my sn.
12th-Aug-2005 12:18 am (UTC)
No, he didn't orgasm and he says he let all the stuff out on the blanket...but yeah. I don't think he coulda actually let all of it out. I know the chance is slight, but it's still a chance. So I'm scared.

I'm calling the doctors first thing in the morning. It still uncomfortable down there and it hurts when I use the bathroom...I dunno if that's normal or not. Plus, sense it was unprotected I think I should get myself checked.

Thank you for responding. It would be cool if we could talk. I have MSN...laurelflower87@hotmail.com
11th-Aug-2005 11:10 pm (UTC)
First of all this wasn't your fault. You *could've* said no but do you think he would've stopped? They way you described him I'd say I'm not too sure about that..

I'm so sorry you had to go through something horrible..I'm so sorry but it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve any of this.

I know it's not going to help you but I know those kind of feelings too. I know what it's like to feel dirty...and it doesn't matter how much you wash yourself or for how many hours you're sitting in the shower, the feeling just won't go away. But it will...one day it will...I really hope it will cause we need it to go away.

Have you thought about going to a doctor? You're hurting and you're scared of a possible pregancy..please get yourself help and don't try to go through this alone. You don't have to, you know?

I'm here too if you feel like talking.

Josh
12th-Aug-2005 12:13 am (UTC)
You're right I dunno that he woulda stopped. When he gave the anal...I pulled away automatically 'cause it hurt...he just push forward more. :/ I didn't even try though. It does help a lot knowing I'm not alone. It's just hard. I'll think "eh, I'm fine". But it isn't...my virginity is gone, and I had unprotected sex. I just want to stand in the shower and wash it all off, but it doesn't feel like it will come off. I'm scared right now. He didn't orgasm...but their is sperm in pre-cum. I do not want/ can not have a baby right now.

I keep telling myself too that someday this will all be gone...we will get better. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, like now. But you have to keep hoping, right?

::sigh::

I am going to see a doctor, I'm calling first thing in the morning. I think I need to get checked to make sure I'm okay(std's) and find out about a morning after pill or something.

Thank you for helping me...I'm scared right now and I can't tell anyone. :/

::safe hugs::
Laura
12th-Aug-2005 12:21 am (UTC)
No,you're not fine, you *can't* be fine after this but I guess it's a usual thing to say *I'm okay*. The sad thing is that denial isn't really helpful...at least not in the long rung.

I know you're scared right now and it's more than understandable that you don't want to talk about it or tell anyone. And it's not up to me to say *But you have to tell anyone*. It's your choice and I'm sure you'll talk about it as soon as you're ready.

Right now i'm just relieved that you're going to see a doctor. He need to check if he's hurt you and you've to get the morning after pill if it's possible.


I wish *I* could do more though..:/

You're so strong and I know you can do it. You'll get through it, okay?

*hugs*

Josh
12th-Aug-2005 12:27 am (UTC)
I know I'm not fine, it would just be so easy to be though. :( I keep pushing myself out of denial...but yeah. Being in denial about this wouldn't help anything at all.

I have a couple friend I could tell that would probably help, but at the same time I think "what will they think of me?" My parents would chop me up in little pieces...I definitely can't tell them.

I really hope they give me the pill...and I hope there aren't any std's.

You are doing a lot helping. I'm scared and exhasted and I can't sleep...I feel uncomfortable and dirty. I think I just need someone to talk to right now.

I hope I get through this okay...I don't want to have ruined my life.
12th-Aug-2005 12:34 am (UTC)
I know what you feel like, esp. when it comes to the fear of std's and stuff :/ Back then I was afraid of it too cause I didn't know some of those men...But I was lucky enough to didn't catch anything.

And in the morning you'll know more too...i'm sure things will be okay cause there's always a way out of a mess like this. We all got through it and you'll get through it as well. And you're not alone with it (even though you might feel like this right now). There're a lot of people who know exactly what you're going through and are willing to help.

12th-Aug-2005 12:36 am (UTC)
Thank you. I can't wait for morning to come.
12th-Aug-2005 12:39 am (UTC)
Please keep me updated on how you're doing,ok? :/

You'll definitly be in my thoughts and prayers (esp. in the upcoming hours). You're not alone.

*Hugs*

Josh
12th-Aug-2005 12:41 am (UTC)
Thank you very much. That means A LOT to me. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I know.

Thank you again for caring and helping me out.

::hugs::
Laura
12th-Aug-2005 09:21 am (UTC)
*safe hugs* if you want them. beleive me i know all those pregnancy and std fears all too well. it was on my mind constantly on a daily basis for six months after my assault. i'm really glad you're going to the doctor. that's the best thing to do for yourself. i know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are stronger than you think you are. just wanting to go to the doc and get things taken care of is a step of courage and strength. keep it up and keep me posted on how you're doing. feel free to IM or email me. all the info is in my profile.
take care hun.
12th-Aug-2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ::hugs:: I'm just scared and still can't belive this actually happened. I just hope everything becomes okay soon.
12th-Aug-2005 09:30 pm (UTC)
*safe hugs?*

He violated your boundaries. You didn't invite him to do something, and you felt awful anyway. Sex in my opinion requires consent, not just a lack of kicking and screaming, and many people that virginity can only be lost to sex. While saying "no" is a great thing, it's very normal to have difficulty saying it, esp. for someone who was assaulted before.

Okay, I'm way too tired to write out a coherent post... I really hope you'll be okay :S
12th-Aug-2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)
14th-Aug-2005 12:26 am (UTC)
i am so sorry that you had to go through this. it isn't your fault. like you said... u were feeling numb. i hate how all of these feelings come at you and when we try to do something about them we just make ourselves feel worse with even worse consequences.

if u need to talk my msn is bell_belle@hotmail.com
i'm glad you're going to take care of yourself though... that planned parenthood place sounds like a good place to start.
wishing you hugs and luck
Belle
14th-Aug-2005 11:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. ::hugs:: I'm going to add you to my msn buddy list okay? Mine is laurelflower87@hotmail.com
16th-Aug-2005 03:01 am (UTC)
i added u too...
hope to see u online soon:D
14th-Aug-2005 01:12 pm (UTC) - Sounds like rape to me...
You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at (800)656-HOPE.

There may be a support group in your area for rape survivors.

Have you seen a doctor yet? Besides checking for pregnancy and STD's, infections can result from having vaginal sex after anal sex.

I really hope you get the help that you need. There are professionals who care and who will help. Please, if you are feeling suicidal, call your local crises center or the National Suicide Hotline at (800) 784-2433.

-Chrys
14th-Aug-2005 10:59 pm (UTC) - Re: Sounds like rape to me...
Thank you. ::hugs:: I'm not suicidal anymore. I think I will try that other number though. Are they 24/7?

Thank you again.
15th-Aug-2005 01:28 pm (UTC) - Re: Sounds like rape to me...
Glad you are feeling better. I believe the National Sexual Assault Hotline is 24/7.

*hugs*
Chrys
16th-Aug-2005 12:27 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that happened to you.

I just wanted to say that you shouldn't give in to the attitude that "of course no one will listen if I say 'no,' so I won't even bother saying it." Someone commented saying something somewhat to that effect, and it's important that we all at least try to communicate, even when it's scary, even when we're not sure the other person will hear us. Because if we don't try, they DEFINITELY won't hear us.

Also, it's very important to negotiate sex, negotiate what goes in your ass, make sure your partner uses lube and preferably a condom because it's not a good idea to put something in your vagina when it's been in your ass. I know this wasn't really something you wanted exactly, but for future reference since this was your first time.

*hugs*
16th-Aug-2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ::hugs:: I did learn a lot from this and it has changed the way I think about things. So it's good I did learn, but it's a shame I learned the hard way. Thank you agin. :)
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