i feel genuinely happy and thats the first in a really long time :)
im staying away from matt the jerk. it makes my soul hurt to talk to him or be around him... and i just don't see how hurting myself is worth him right now. because he is not worth that. nobody is.
i feel like that is a good part of my progress.. along with not drinking so much, but also not having destructive promiscuious sex and reinacting my rape over and over again. drinking and sex go hand in hand and when i cut out the drinking, i've found it makes random sex much harder to excuse...
im just not all about that anymore... im healing myself.
Friday will be the first theraputic EMDR session that i will recieve. My therapist and i have identified 4 traumatic experiences. we will handle them in chronological order.
the first of these experiences that will be the topic on friday.. happend when i was like 13....
at a party in high school, i met this guy i have flashes of memory of that night from the first momment he saw me, chose me, and keg stands that he helped hold my feet up for, and the cup after cup of beer he fed me... and then the feeling of him taking my head and pushing it into his crotch.. and the feeling of his big hand on the back of my head and neck holding my head down.. so that the only thing i could think of to do was what he wanted. trying to push myself up off him.. realizing that this was happening weather i wanted it to or not.. and the humiliation that i felt.
the anger came after that.. to think this asshole just took advantage of me like that.. the first time that Anyone had ever done someting like that to me. i remember crying before i went to sleep that night.
the humiliation i felt the next day was the worst part of all... a girl who i liked and respected and was on the swim team with me even came up to me at lunch the next day to ask, " are you the girl who gave tony leclair a blow job?"
and i'm so naive and too honest, not knowing what to say and not wanting to lie i say , "yeah, but i think he is an asshole".
and she said, " he is a really good friend of mine."
and that was the worst of it.. fuck him fuck him fuck him.
so tomarrow, i will travel back through time.. and hopefully forgive myself or someting, for the fucker who held the back of my head down.
and i will keep on fighting...
the worst is yet to come...