The Littlest Kiwi (kiwitini) wrote in _survivors_,
The Littlest Kiwi

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Haven't written here in awhile.  Thought I'd share the enlightment I was given in therapy this morning.

Today I went through a session of EMDR.  It left me with the ability to logically figure out what some of my biggest current challenges are.  

This time my Therapist had me focus mainly on my "safe place."  I closed my eyes after watching the light go back and forth and changed my breathing into a deep, relaxing pattern.  My body began to respond by tingling and falling into a relaxed state.  Suddenly it hit me like never before-I thought to myself "I used to feel like this everyday."  I cannot believe I forgot myself for all this time.  She (the safe, innocent,ignorant young girl that was raped) is still not inside of me.  I love her and I am afraid of/for her.

My 2 year anniversary of my rape was this week. For 2 years I have dismissed my dissociative behavior and bad body image and blamed it on unrelated events.  The truth is I don't want to be inside myself. I left my body 2 years ago and still have not come back to it.  Feeling at ease and like my soul was inside me again reminded me that there were better days.  I don't know that I want to remember those days at this point.  Everything in my life is constant anxiety.  I was a strong woman and I conquered every challenge that was given to me, then everything was taken from me in one night.  I'm paralized by paranoid feelings and hints of PTSD throught out each day.  It's to a point where days go by that I will not leave my house.  If I did not feel pressured by those around me, I would probably stay in this state until I felt comfortable leaving it.  I realize now this is a mirrored reaction to the one I had of being molested as a child.

I did not expect to have such an intense physical reaction to EMDR.  Lately I have had many back and shoulder issues because my body is holding onto the fear of two years ago.  My body was so exhausted after focusing on my safe place, that I slept for 3 hrs afterwards.  Every muscle I have aches.  I feel as though my Voice and my pushing from that night were crawling up my muscles and my bones and I let them just for this one day.  This is the best pain I ever have had.

I suppose I am ruled by my emotions right now.  I went into 12th grade after I was raped, there was no time to feel.  Then I ran to college away from home, I had to numb my fear of being raped again.  It came to a point that I slept hours at a time to dull the fierce pain.  No ne understands my delayed reaction.  I am alone again, painting parts of what I feel as the world passes me by.  I'll catch up another day, even though no one thinks I will.
Perhaps my biggest challenge is to remember that my reactions are not who I am. This is time spent between who I was and who I will be. I am currently just reactive. It's what you do when you are active that define who you are
Tags: anniversaries, emdr, rape, therapy
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