upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

so on another note.......yesterday i REALLY REALLy didn't want to go to the therapy session. i have been really frustrated and confused lately..
half of me is proud of how far i have come limiting my drinking, and the other half still thinks i could do way better. (for the circumstances, bars and keggers, i guess im doing pretty well).

also, half of me is scared to uncover things that hurt me... not knowing how to cope with them... and the other half just wants to dig up the deep stuff....

at therapy for the first time, yesterday, i mentioned the abortion, and another two events that were kind of traumatic.

in all honesty, the abortion is mentally and visually, when i think about it, the most disturbing thing that has ever happend to me..

it is going to be really hard.
im truely, scared out of my noggin right now... and im resurfacing anger towards my mother.
so many mixed emotions... one the one hand she had left me hanging, on the other hand more recently, she has really, really been there for me... when i broke down, she stayed with me for a week, cooked for me and took care of me, watching me every minute... to make sure i didn't hurt myself.

but im just really confused.... and SOO glad i made double appointments this week.
she says that once we start the EMDR we will start making progress pretty quickly... i hope so.
i want these violent flashes to be out of my mind forever.
im scared.* wish somebody would hold me.

but im also not completely sure im ready. she said that i need to get my drinking and promiscuity under control before i can begin EMDR.
well, the promiscuity, has been handeled. i told craig no the other day when i went to see him and he stopped.
and the drinking, well... it has gone down. I give myself credit. I'm trying. I am more aware of how much I am drinking and how i feel after every drink. In general, I've cut back from 6 or 7 to 3 or 4.
and thats like prying a really old good friend out of my cold dead hands... drinking has been there for me... for a long time... im sad to see it go.. :*( sounds pathetic but, well, its true.
I'm not even 21.
On the 23rd of this month, i will be. And i want my goal to be .... that by my 21st birthday, I want to be able to go to a bar and order 1 drink. the whole night . and not have to drink more than that.

yeah kick ass!!
still thinking about meditating and tattoos...

sorry if this rambeled on... thanks for reading ! :) gotta get ready for work FAST!
stay strong!
Tags: abortion, therapy

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