Martin (martinanonymous) wrote in _survivors_,
Martin
martinanonymous
_survivors_


I'm sorry if this is too similar to anohter recent post...  It seemed too different to me to just put in a reply, but I know that some people might disagree.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do to heal.  While I doubt this is the magic cure, I think what I really want/need right now is validation.  Having for my pain and my strength for surviving it acknowledged/respected/believed.


 When my ex b/f called from rehab and apologized, it meant a LOT to me.  It might have helped more if we could go through the details of what he did to me and get an apology that's more specific - but I wasn't ready for that when he called.


I've tried to get that from other people who've hurt me.  My mother and my ex g/f aren't monsters or anything, but they did hurt me...  and when I try to address that with them, I never actually feel heard.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for - maybe them outright telling my that my feelings make sense, that they're sorry, that they're going to do these specific things to make sure it doesn't happen again.  From my ex, maybe she doesn't need to even say anything... just listen to the whole thing without making this about her pain or insulting herself or anything, just listening... and giving me a hug or something. I know this isn't going to happen, though.  Not from them.  It’s very unlikely that the mental hospital that punished me for being assault will listen, either, and the guy that did it... well, it’s probably a good thing that I don’t know where he is.  Etc.


I find myself wanting to do something drastic so people will HAVE to validate it.  If I get hurt badly enough, at the latest when I die, they're have to see that my pain is real.  If books and such are to be trusted, they'll also finally acknowledge all the good that I do.  People will finally say nice things about me, finally be thankful for I've done for them, etc.


The thing is... I don't want to go down that route.  For one, as a recovering cutter I know it doesn't work that way.  I've landed in the ER before and no one finally confessed to me that they really do care, seemed heartbroken that such a wonderful person was going through this, or anything like that.  Maybe it would be different if someone else hurt me, but that seems unlikely too.  No one can deny that a car hit me, but no one took that pain seriously either.  The other, more important, reason is that it seems ludicrous to get hurt more in order to feel better.  I've been tempted to do that many, many times - but it fails the common sense test.  It won't work.  I want less pain, not more.
So... my main question is how can I really feel validated in a healthy way?   I'm thinking that talking to a therapist and having hir validate it might help some, but I can see me blowing that off, too...  any advice?


The other, side, question is this... I used to have this best friend.  I accidentally hurt her really badly.  I meant no harm, only good, but still hurt her.  When I tried to explain in the past, she felt like I was blowing her off.  I'm starting to understand why - it doesn't matter why I did what I did, only that she was hurt.  I should have listened to that, rather than trying to defend myself.  Anyway, we don't talk to each other at all anymore and haven't for nearly a year.  I specifically told her not to talk to me anymore because she was saying a lot of hurtful things.  She never said I shouldn't contact her, but made it very clear that she didn't want to be friends anymore. The thing is, I'm very, very sorry for what I did, and I want to help her heal if I can because I'm the one that hurt her.  Would emailing her a better apology help her, or would it just create more drama?



Tags: invalidation, validation
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