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For quite some times I have been a lurker and on few occasions I have… 
31st-Jul-2005 11:47 am
halloween
For quite some times I have been a lurker and on few occasions I have commented in here. Everything is still very fresh in my mind. It has been months since I have been able to work.

Awareness of Rape and domestic violence is not covered enough. I am a victim of both and am horrified by the lack of support and help. For myself, I have had the most difficult 5 months of my life.

It actually started back last year when I was very ill and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. My husband was becoming more and more hostile and violent.

Finally march of this year it was discovered that I had pancreatitis and gall stones. March 23rd I had surgery removing my gall bladder. It did not cure the pancreatitis and I was admitted into the hospital on April 11th. I was there for 4 days before I was released to go home. April 19th my pancreas flared back up and I was in the ER all night long. My husband was very unsupportive and never wanted to take me to the ER of hospital if it was an inconvenience on his day off. He even kept his trip to CA while I was in the hospital and near death. Someone else in the hospital with what I had even died during my stay.

During my stay at the hospital I went through many tests and one they found a large cyst on my left ovary. This explained the other pain I was having.

On April 20th I was home recovering and highly medicated for the pain and nausea. Infact the night before I was back in the emergency room with my pancreas flared back up and infected. I was told that I may have to be readmitted into the hospital if they couldn’t get it under control to some extent. I was released and put on a clear liquid diet and had an appointment on the 21 to see a specialist.

A man who had at one time been a friend showed up while my husband was at work and I was still recovering. I was weak and sick and he raped me. I begged and pleaded for him to stop. I cried out in pain as he raped me. The cyst was very painful and hurt even more during the rape. I am hoping to avoid surgery on my ovary, because where it is at, I would have to lose the whole ovary.

I was scared afterwards and did not know what to do. On the internet I found a site, Rainne.org. I called the hotline and then a crisis center near me. From there I was encouraged to go to the hospital for a rape kit. I was scared and didn’t want but I did.

It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, but I felt it was worth it for my safety and well being and hoping in the end this man would be held accountable. Things have not worked out that way. I have been on a medical leave since March 19th and am not sure when I can work again.

My husband and I are now getting divorced and we live in different states. He assaulted me in the courtyard and witnesses reported him.

Now my main concern is that the Detective on my rape case never wrote up the report and submit my case to the prosecution. Instead he had a telephone call with a prosecutor and they both decided to drop the case. Their reasoning is that rape is hard to prove and is mainly he said/ she said. I was told this is what happens with most rape cases.

They say there isn’t enough evidence that this was rape and not consensual like the rapist is claiming. I am hurt, angered and disgusted with the legal system. My case hasn’t been handled properly, nor has the detective ever worked on adult cases, mine was his first.

Set backs like this doesn’t help a persons rights. Rape and domestic violence victims are not being taken seriously and I wonder how many more rapists have gotten away with this and think they can continue this behavior, because no one will go after them.

The silence needs to stop. This violence can’t continue to be ignored. I have been broken emotionally and physically. I even became very suicidal through all of this. I am blessed by having a good doctor and therapist but life has been a bit overwhelming. My family have come through for me with much support. Friends and loved ones have helped me survive. Without their support I would be lost or even dead.

Depression and anxiety have invaded my life. At times there seems to be no hope. Then other times I know there is hope and I can find the good in life. Reasons to smile keep me going. Sometimes I fail and hurting so bad that I hurt myself. And sometimes I pray to God asking Him to just let me die. The pain is so deep, so dark, like shadows cast over my soul. Begging for mercy I cry in the darkness seeking for a shimmer of hope to shine in my life once again.

I wonder if others see me broken and floating aimlessly in this world of despair. Opening my eyes each day I try to find a reason to even bother getting out of bed. Closing my eyes for sleep I am haunted by the ghosts of my pain and suffering. I treasure those small moments where I am at peace and can laugh.

To keep me positive and from hurting myself more, I heal through creativity. Whether I am pouring out my pain in written word or with my painting, I am encouraged and feel a step closer to being whole again. Computer graphics and web design give me another outlet to express myself.

I know some say that when they are frustrated, hurting, tired, cranky and/or depressed they don’t want to roleplay. I use to agree. I use to think that in doing so you are hurting the roleplaying. However I have found that it can actually be very healing to pour yourself into a character in roleplaying. Of course I have created characters and/or settings to roleplay out the depression and hurt I am dealing with.

These avenues of creativity help me tremendously. It gives me something to focus on. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment. Seeing the finished product is very satisfying.

Sometimes I am swept over by a sweet sadness. It is like a warm blanket wrapping around me. I find comfort in these melancholy moments. Though I hurt I find myself forming a soft and subtle smile on my lips. A deep sigh of relief pours out of me and I am at peace.

Taking a blade to my arms or legs and watching myself bleed is mesmerizing. The burning sensation as it heals makes me feel alive. I am no longer plagued by the tragedies I have suffered. My mind is a peace. A feeling of no one around to hurt me and I am comforted.

Comforted by my pain, can anyone see how much I suffer? Does anyone notice the hollowness in my eyes that once radiated with joy? I bleed instead of scream. Fear filling me up stopping me from letting out my anger. I wonder if the anger and hurt will suffocate me.

Will anyone hear my cries? Will they even care?

Sometimes I feel so very alone. Then again, there are times I want to be alone. Deep down I find the courage to face each day. Though I am broken hearted, I am loved. Love is a reason to live. To love and to be loved, are truly good reasons to face each day and the next one.

Trust has been broken and it is so hard to reach out and meet new friends or even know if your old friends can be trusted. I am constantly second guessing myself and find it hard to make a simple decision like “Do I want to wear blue or green?” I can’t say each day is getting better because some days are worse then others, even if you have been having better ones. Set backs like that are so devastating and painful.


So there you have it, long and rambling tale of me. Writing it out like this has really helped me put things into perspective. I even am smiling at this very moment. Now that is a good thing. It has been almost 2 weeks since I last cut myself and that alone is encouraging for me.

I was married 10 years and on and off my ex-husband would become abusive. It was almost like a 6 month cycle. He would be good and loving then he just couldn’t be like that anymore. He would snap and hurt me and blame me for things wrong in his life. He was like a child throwing tempertantrums and never taking responsibility for his own actions. He was an amazing manipulator and managed to convince my family that he was a great guy, and I was horrible and a liar. The truth came out.

When he did assault me that last time, we were outside and there were witnesses who saw everything and called the police for me. My parents are hurt and ashamed that they weren’t there for me when I needed them. They had believed John’s lies and wish to make it right.

Sometimes it is a bit much from them but I do love them and just am glad to have them back in their life. I had felt so alone and isolated for so long. With my ex gone I have been able to grow stronger and find hope and joy in living again.
Comments 
31st-Jul-2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
Good luck, I wish you all the best and hope that you have a happy life away from that creep xxxx
31st-Jul-2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
wow. have you been through a lot.
here's an interesting thought for you.
if the cliche 'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is true (which i strongly believe in)just look back and realise just how strong you are.
you're among the strongest of the strong in society.

ironic isnt it?
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