June 20th, 2007


I've gotten used to the fact that while Marcus doesn't want to be with me, the ultimate truth is still underlined. He needs me. It has been MONTHS since the last time I told him I wanted nothing to do with him, but tonight, tonight was finally different. He popped up as unexpectedly as he always does, in need of somone to talk to. Him and his new girlfriend are having problems, and i'm the only person he could think of that he wanted to talk to. It was the freedom of saying what I honestly thought of the whole situation, what I really, truely felt. I wasn't mad or jealous that he has a girlfriend, and I was somewhat glad that I got both the chance to tell him how stupid I think he is sometimes, but also, how wonderful of a person he can be when he tries. For the first time since the final ending of "us", I wasn't bitter. He mentioned how he only wishes he could be as tough as me, and the best part was that I thanked him for making me this way. At one point he attempted to make amends and apologized, and I simply told him to stop talking. I feel somewhat down simply because he was the first man who ever showed me how happy someone can make you if you just let them...But I'm proud of myself, and i'm thankful that I had the strength to be his friend without being bitter.

On another note, me and Deric are finally...over. No more pretending things are magically going to change, and that he will someday love me...Things are just...done.

Weekly Thought Stirring: Validation

Feeling like we have a valid claim to be upset about the abuse we've survived is a common thing for survivors to struggle with. No matter what form of abuse we've survived, it's often difficult for us to remember that the terms abuse or rape apply to what we've survived.

Sometimes, it's a matter of the stereotypes society has for abuse, which makes us feel like what we went through just couldn't be abuse or rape. Other times, it's just that we feel we shouldn't "still" be upset about it, or feel like what we went through wasn't "that bad" compared to others.

Something that has always amazed me, especially after coming to this community, was that each type of survivor felt that other types of abuse from what they experienced was "worse" than what they experienced. It's one of the reasons why we don't compare abuse in this community - because when you look at it, no matter what you've been through, there is a common thread there - someone chose to hurt you, and it can leave really horrible lasting effects.

It's easy for us to forget sometimes that we have a right to call ourselves survivors, to say that we were raped or abused. So much of our life is spent feeling like we need to hide a dark secret, hide our nightmares and fears, that it often spills over into how validated we feel about what we've experienced. Sometimes, it's not even that someone has told us that what we went through wasn't rape or wasn't abuse, but just that we feel uncomfortable applying that label.

So this week's questions are:
- Do you have a hard time calling yourself a survivor?
- Do/did you have a hard time acknowledging that what you experienced was rape or abuse?