March 12th, 2007

fuck it up

(no subject)

Today was the first time I approached a teacher (or any adult) about my rape since september and the issue with my counselors.

My psychology teacher had us read an article about child abuse that repeatedly referred to survivors as "abuse victims." It got under my skin, not enough to be triggering, but enough that I wanted to say something. Just to be sure that if it came up in class discussion, the word "victim" would be omitted.

So all day I sat around thinking of the right words and the right way to phrase it so he would understand. And at the end of class I actually did it.

I have no problem writing about the rape, or talking to strangers about it, or discussing it with friends. But for some reason, knowing that this man now knows (or can deduce) that about was very... blech. I feel like it will be part of the way he judges me.

At the same time it was empowering. He knows I'm plenty of things. He knows (very well) that I'm a feminist, a writer, drama club president. He doesn't like me very much at all. Now he knows that I'm a survivor. And he probably still doesn't like me very much, and will probably still get annoyed with my feminist interjections in class. And that's kind of refreshing. Just knowing that someone can go ahead and continue disliking me, despite knowing that I'm a rape survivor- I really appreciate that. I'm a person too, like anyone else.

Anyway, he agreed to not use the word. It was an exhausting experience. I don't even know why.
off balance

MMPI-2 F scale elevations in adult victims of child sexual abuse

Article here

Recently I was told that the MMPI-2 that I took was invalid or unable to be interpretered. I felt as if I had been told I was not being honest on the test. Then I found this article and I feel a little bit better, as if this could actually be a failing of the test and not me. This is what some researches had to say.

The present study assessed whether the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2 (MMPI-2) F scale elevations may reflect genuine trauma-related distress and/or psychopathology, rather than malingering, in a clinical sample of adult child sexual abuse (CSA) victims. Eighty-eight women seeking outpatient treatment for CSA after-effects participated. Self-report measures of dissociation, posttraumatic stress, depression, and family environment individually correlated significantly with F, and collectively accounted for 40% of its variance. Dissociation was the strongest predictor. Findings suggest that high F