March 11th, 2007

(no subject)

I have kinda been out of it since Jan, with surgery. Physical Therapy is not so fun.

Basically, I have been thinking a lot which sometimes is dangerous.

After rape, even after healing...which I haven't found...things can't be the same.
I think I keep trying to get back to the place I was at BEFORE, but that doesn't exist. That was taken along with other things. Normal isn't there. There will always be a before and after, things are disconnected.
There is a timeline in my life with the events prior to rape and after rape.
Everything after has been touched by that event. Relationships have suffered, and I have been to blame.

I was talking with a good friend who is a therapist the other day. Talking about your junk doesn't mean you are working through your junk. It keeps things stirred up in your mind so you can't forget. I feel like that is the new goal. Just forget it. Put that night, and those memories away and keep them there.

(no subject)

for some reason it isn't letting me respond to comments.

But I Appreciate all the responses. Some of what I said was a little unclear.
I don't have a therapist. I work at a counseling and consulting center. I actually handle the consulting stuff. My friends are all therapists, and at one pt I did receive formal counseling from one but it didn't work out.

The friend I was talking about in the post is one that has had similar struggles.

I think I am just so physically tired that I can't handle the emotional things. Emotions and mental health always come second, even when they are more important for me. Maybe it is just the way I was programmed.

Physical therapy is kicking my butt hard core, and I get to get up and do it tomorrow early in the morning. The electrode stuff and ice isn't as fun as it sounded.

But in all seriousness I know I am not ok, I just don't know how to get there. I thought when I stopped Self Harm I would just be ok. I forgot why I did it.

Thanks for the support