February 10th, 2007

Maybe you're right.

When something tramatic happens, we tend to convince ourselves we are now required to become someone else, and leave the old 'us' behind. For most, it's a feeling of moving on, and for others, we find it simply easier to forget what happened and focus on our new lives.

'It's never too late to be what you might have been'.

I read another writers icon which had that sentence written in it. Suddenly, I realized I don't have to become someone new in order to put my past in it's place. I've mentioned a few times that I miss the old me. The me that everyone loved...The me that I loved. Up until I read that, I had been determined that creating a new life for myself was the only way i'd ever really move on and be able to forget what happened to me. Truth is, whether I create a new life or not, my past is still with me and it's something i'll never forget. What i've gained from this has so far only been a nice thought, but hopefully i'll find enough strength in myself to make it a reality and slowly but surely be able to bring back the me I once was.
bjork painted

feeling...blah.

ok, i finally told one of my best friends my story tonight. it wasnt hard at all, i trust, respect and admire this girl more than she'll know...and out of everyone i'm glad i got to tell her face to face. she asked me what im going to do now that its getting harder to deal with, since i started up my suicidal tendancies and constant anger again. god im always so angry.
i WANT to get help. i want to go see a psychologist. but that would require telling my parents. i do NOT want them to know, because there is enough of a rift in our family already without me coming out with that. i really do need to see someone though, how can i ask my parents if i can see a psych without having to mention "that thing"?

god im confused.
but im in a new relationship with a wonderful man i really trust, and i even feel that i love him... even if he doesnt love me i dont care, because i love him.
and i dont want to have to tell him about this yet, i really dont want him to know until i feel right about it. i'm afraid it would ruin everything. the last thing i want is sympathy. i just want someone to encourage me to get out of bed and keep on living, and he does that without having to say or do anything. comfortable silences, theyre beautiful.

i also dont know how to explain the fact that i do want a job, i need a job, but i cant mentally cope with it now. people make me uncomfortable, and i really dont have self-esteem at the moment.

so anyway... feeling very weird. i want to cry out my sadness and anger. i cant. help.