January 29th, 2007

healing

He's started messaging me again. The "I hate you" emails fired him up again. I also made the mistake of trying to get a possession of mine from him, which made him think that I need something from him.

He thinks that because he's been getting a response that he's been making progress with me, and is gaining control again. He's not. He also thinks I'm doing poorly financially, and have no place to go at the end of the month. He thinks that I need him. He genuinely seems to think that. Also not true (obviously). =)

Even though I'm back to ignoring him he's still spamming me on AIM, so I have been putting up an away message on my main name and using a different screen name. Even though I am not responding to anything he says, just simply hearing from him stresses me the fuck out. He knows I'm getting everything he sends me. I've been extra fidgety and having severe anxiety and flashbacks and heartburn.

On another note, I'm glad I'm moving. I'll be so glad to have privacy. We planned to move all our stuff today but they don't have the electricity hooked up so we're waiting on that to move the computer and bed.

Despite the stress, I feel myself changing energetically. Today I felt some things in myself that I haven't felt in months because I was so stressed. Now that I'm safe, I'm re-awakening parts of myself that I had to shut down for survival. I'll be able to help other people again, and get back to about where I had planned to be right now.

As I heal I keep having layers lifted from my mind and re-finding parts of myself that I shut down. It's an amazing feeling.

(no subject)

I think I have led a friend on.  I need some advice.

I think this is on topic with the community.  I respect all of your opinions.  So my partner is an abuse survivor that has shut down affectionately and sexually.  We are very committed, but its very hard for us.   A friend I used to have a huge crush on moved to town and we've been hanging out again.  I've posted about her before.  She is a big flirt and at first it was all phrased as jokes.  I let the jokes go and enjoyed the attention.  I never crossed the line because I love my partner and want her more than anyone, but I definitely stood near the line.  The attention felt so nice.
After initially realizing that she was flirting and hinting, I backed off a while and we only socialized with other people around.  Last weekend my partner and I had a gathering at our house and several of us got very drunk.  While drunk, this friend and I ended up having a very confusing conversation.  She said she wished I could stay with her that night and that she really doesn't want to be the "other woman".  She said she respects  my partner a lot.  It all came out more directly instead of "innocent" jokes.   I was too tipsy to remember everything that was said.  I think I told her it'd be nice to be able to cuddle.  I remember I put my arm around her shoulder while we talked.   I remember saying I respect and love my partner.

I woke up feeling very guilty.  I spent the day analyzing what I remembered.  I recalled a sober conversation I had with the friend a few days before...and I realized she was saying more than I picked up originally.  In the sober conversation she kept saying she had no idea I was gay in college, and that she never should have dated so and so.  She asked why she will never be able to be with anyone.  This took on a whole new meaning after the drunk conversation.
She texted me last night and asked if I remembered everything about the evening, said we should talk.  I agree.  I am so nervous!   We need to talk sober and clear things up with eachother.  I have no idea what she is going to say.    I feel like I have led her on.  I never waivered in stating my commitment to my partner, I just got weak enough to flirt.  She might be mad at me, or hurt.  She might say we should forget it ever happened or pursue it furthur.  I know where I stand.  I don't want to cross that line.  I don't want to lose a partner or a friend.  I also know that she is hurting and lonely and I'd like to be able to be there for her as a friend without compromising anything.

I talked to my partner about all of this last night.  My partner knows I used to have feelings for her and that she has been flirting with me.  My partner was amazing.  She listened to the whole thing and just said "Should I be mad at her or you?  I'm not.  I think it is more sad for your friend."  She said I didn't do anything wrong and she can't blame me for being drawn to the affection.  She knows how starved I am.  "I know you aren't going anywhere.  I'm not worried about us."  She agreed I should talk to my friend. 

So I have decided I am not drinking for a while, and certainly not around my friend.  I am so nervous about talking to her.  I feel like I have done something immature and wrong.  I wonder how our conversation will go.  What the hell do I say?

Thanks for listening.
my tori

this sounds really stupid..

but i think i have bipolar, infact i am 100% certain.
The only thing is that i have never consulted a doctor about it.
Just reading about disorder, i realise that i have every single symptom and i feel the same way as other bipolar sufferers.

How do i find out whether i have it or not?