November 26th, 2006

Please, Just let me let you go.

We talked for years, I waited for months, and I cried for days, but now, it's time to let you go. It bothered me that you had the courage to email me, and even though it took all my strength not to write you back...I got through it. Your random instant message last night had me crying on my pillow when I went to sleep. I prayed last night. I know, i'm the last person someone would see praying, but I did. I said out loud all the things i'd say to you if we ever talked again, and I verbally ran through all the things i'd say in an email, if I ever decided to give you the decency of a reply. But then, I just cried for a few, and begged god to give me the strength to just let you go completely. When you don't exist, i'm over you, and my life is content that way because I know i'm not hurting myself anymore by trying to be with you. But, I also know that i'm not so strong after hearing that you miss me. I am talking to a wonderful guy, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to mess it up because i'm still stuck in the past. I had my time with you, and it didn't work out, and no matter how many sorry's are said and appologies are accepted...it's still over.

Last night Mirko appologized for hurting my feelings, and told me how amazing I am, so on and so fourth, and that no matter what I think...It was never my fault that he had baggage which held him back from moving on. I realize now that I have someone awesome in my life right now. He texts me in the morning and all day at work, and we talk each night before bed. He takes my sarcasm and keeps me in line haha. I've found someone who appreciates me for who I am, and I don't want to ruin what we have because of baggage...I can't say i'm doing awful at it...I mean, I haven't spoken to him in months. I didn't reply to his email or his instant message, and even though I let him make me cry...i'm letting it go. At least I think I am. I'm trying to. I thought about a letter i'd write him if I ever did...I remember a long time ago I wrote letters to an ex but never sent them, I don't remember if it helped or not, but I guess this is the same concept.

Dear Jimmy,
When we went our seperate ways, I didn't know what I was going to do without you. You were my best friend, my comfort, and my calm. At the same time, I was so angry at you for everything that had happened, that i'd rather not speak to you at all. It wasn't til recently that I can admit, and take part of the blame for what happened between us, because after all, I made some foolish mistakes along the way. But reguardless of who's at fault, the outcome of our friendship is still the same. I have so much anger towards you, yet it hurts at the same time, because I miss who you used to be. Some would call your appology attempts admirable, I see them as you finally realizing what you lost. I could ramble forever in this letter about what I loved and what I hated, but the past is the past. All I need from you is one small favor. It hurts every time I receive a message from you, and sometimes it brings me to tears, but i've found someone who really cares about me, and in return, I simply ask that the messages stop. I miss you and I always will, but for the sake of my happyness, it's important that I don't hurt myself by trying to be with you any longer. It's time for you to simply let me, let you go.

* Me *