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November 25th, 2006 
Lain Arm
I just want to know...

I'm really depressed right now. I do not want to try to kill myself. I just want to numb myself. I never drink, not ever. But tonight I have a full bottle of vodka and it's looking rather tempting. I've had a hard time with losing my job and having the unemployment reject me. I am quite sad.

How bad is a mix of vodka, vicoden, valium and flexoril? One of each pill, low doseage... Will this be life threatening, vomit inducing or just make me pass the feck out? Any ideas? I'm trying to stop myself from cutting, but it's hard to fight the temptation now.
10:07 pm - Irony
off balance
It is around the holidays that I most miss family, the very people that put me through hell. In some ways the abuse doesn't stop even after you leave. No matter how you look at it I am still minus a family. The damage done when I was a child and young adult is difficult to even articulate, let alone process.

Sometimes I don't think survival is a word I can use, the damage runs too deep. I have managed to limp along and I fall way too often and have to grasp for the smallest thread to pull myself along by.

This weekend is one of those falls. Everywhere I look I see despair. My mind reels as it goes back to holidays past. It isn't as simple as a hole inside me, it is filled with the garbage my father filled everyone with in his path.

Self harm may not be a FDA approved method of dealing with intense self loathing, but it works.
10:20 pm(no subject)
I just found a psychopathy checklist on the Wikipedia here, and I filled it out in refrence to P______, and he scored a 46 from what I have observed in the last 9 months.  The cutoff for it being a psychopath is 30 according to Wiki.  Holy crap.  That'd explain a lot, wouldn't it?  He's also schizophrenic (so he says, and goddamn I believe that). 

I lost my (technichal) virginity to this guy. 
11:01 pm(no subject)
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone in this community who's been reading my posts, especially sistahraven and passiondreamer . I've been going through a lot of shit lately, and this is the only place that I've been able to express myself without holding back or fear of being judged. Everyone I've talked to here are great people. This is a very positive place and I've never seen any drama or issues here. The people here are strong and wonderful, and I'm glad to have found this place.

and in other news... =)Collapse )

thoughts about my attraction to men who aren't my ageCollapse )
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