November 13th, 2006

Never good enough.

I work over fifty hours this week and next, I work as hard as I can, stay late, and work on my days off...In addition, i'm fighting to stay in school and keep some form of sanity. And still, my mother has the courage tonight to start a fight with me. Not only does she tell me to shut the hell up, but minutes later she tells me never to tell her to shut up or I can live somewhere else. She brings herself to a screaming frenzy while no one is actually listening to her. She eventually finds the nerve to tell me that i'm nineteen, I live here for free, she pays for my food, and ALL I DO IS SIT HERE DOING NOTHING. I pay for my own gas, my insurance, my car payments, my schooling, and i'm trying to save to move out on my own. I work more than full time and she has the nerve to say I sit here doing nothing? By the time I get home every night I find myself falling asleep on the couch without eating dinner, and waking up with minutes to get ready for work again the next day...Having friends isn't even an issue anymore seeing as how if I had any, i'd never find the time to hang out with them. I couldn't believe she said it...I didn't even have something to say back to her. I was so disgusted I just sat there...Then I took my keys and some shoes and walked out. I drove for hours... I listened to all the cd's I had with me and cried, as if the rain and the floods weren't blurring my vision enough.

Two days from now I have another appointment with my therapist. I have to tell him how badly I wanted to cut myself tonight, and how close I actually came to doing it. I have to tell him that i'm constantly seeing things lately and it's really scaring me...And that I haven't been sleeping because every minute of every day makes me feel sicker and my stomach is always in knots. I feel so nervous ALL the time when I know I have nothing to be nervous about. If I don't leave for work two hours before i'm supposed to be there, I panick. I know it leaves over an hour and a half time frame for me to just drive, but at least I get close and know I won't be late. I can't help it...I've been doing it constantly since I started working there, and with everything lately, appointments and all...What's wrong with me?

Hello

Hello, I am new here. I found this by searching through things on here. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault. I deal with it everyday but soon enough I am sure I will overcome the feelings of guilt, betrayl, hurt, and sadness of it all. I have seen a lot for my little eyes of being so young. Again I will sure enough over come my feelings of that as well. I probably won't post my real name to here, but you can call me whatever nickname you thinks suits me. well, this is the entry I posted to my personal journal:

So, here I sit, looking at this woman who lies to me everytime I see her. Not able to reveal her true inner self. You must be thinking I am talking about myself, but that I am not. I can't tell you to whom I am talking about because if I go into further detail she will know. How is it you tell people to be open and honest about themselves, but you can't be honest about yourself? It almost makes me want to scream at her crying and asking her why she can't reveal that to me. How am I suppossed to be able to trust someone when they aren't honest to me about themselves. I hope she reads this because she will know whom she is. It intrieges me kind of. To know her, to want to know her. Why is it really my business? It's not. I just want to know more, to want more. Why is it that humans really want more? I guess I will never know. Maybe the answer lies somewhere between heaven and earth. Who is this woman staring at me every so often? I know WHO she is, but who is she really as a person? Why do I crave this knowledge of someone who doesn't really effect my well being and what happens to me? I don't know I guess, and to know is to want to know. That is all I have to say.

with love,
me