November 12th, 2006

hopefully not off topic, but on my mind

I've been in a good place lately. I passed through my two or three weeks of icky mentalness and came out on the other side feeling very clear headed. I also discovered why I have been feeling so flu like and tired for three months. Getting that sorted out does WONDERS for ones mindset. The verdict is: newly developed adult allergies. I have a new respect for allergy sufferers. I had no idea it could make you feel like you have the worst flu of your life. So I am on two meds and doing some holistic stuff and I feel 90% better. The first day the meds kicked in I was so crystal clear and wanted to dance.

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I'm still feeling better about us, I am just frustrated with our different views, and I want change to come faster than a crawl. At least we are good to eachother during this crawl.
bjork painted

(no subject)

ok ok, i know ive already had my rant today, but there are things that just arent clicking in my head.

the Sven saga, the never-ending story of 'the ex'... the dreaded ex! this is why i wanted to avoid getting sexually AND emotionally involved with someone, because eventually the emotion does run out, and i just feel numb. i wouldnt have minded us breaking up so much if it werent for the manner in which he did it.
we just drifted apart over a month after being so close, and we had 'the power of love' with all our "i love you so much... i wanna be with you forever..." blah blah blah then all of a sudden, he just stops caring. makes me wonder if he ever cared at all.
it was lust, it was all an illusion... he minipulated me to get what he wanted and, i dunno, its like molestation all over again. i believed his lies, believed he cared so much and wasnt using me. he knew about my past, he knew what i'd been through and still felt the need to hurt me.

but i think he's realising now, he's trying to be my friend, but i dunno if its all going to work. i was just some poor lovesick sex toy. joy.

i know guys like him arent worth my time, but i want him back in my life so badly. i have this weird attachment to people who torture me and make me feel so empty inside. for a long time i was happy, but now, i just don't know.