November 6th, 2006

ali and lilo

(no subject)

Hello sisters (and brothers).

I've been thinking so often lately how lucky I am to have found this group, and how I'd like to appreciate you all more than I have, so here I am doing it!

Thank you all so much for being here.

It has meant so much to me over the past 2 years(!!!) to know that I've had a willing set of ears here, whenever I needed it, that I could take a hiatus when I wanted/needed to, and that I'd always be welcome back if/when I wanted/needed to come back. You are all such an invaluable resource - THANK YOU.

Lately, as it seems to be for many, my life has been SUCH a mix of ups and downs. I'm beginning an amazing love relationship with a man who is SO communicative and sensitive and beautiful and open and accepting, it excites me to no end and scares the shit out of me at the same time. He meets me at every level, and challenges me to grow one step further. Its amazing. (see my personal journal, the entries entitled "Benjamin" for more details - aliwadha:) )

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For those of you that clicked my "aliwadha" link, you'll see I've been feeling really anxious lately. I think part of it has to do with my job. I work in social service with low-income clients of a food pantry and homeless shelter. Lately many of my food pantry clients have had a history of domestic violence, and I totally freeze up when they tell me. Intellectually I know that its out of my scope of practice to try to help them in that realm, and might even be unethical for me to try b/c of my lack of training, but something deep in the core of me starts glowering, and I can feel myself both turning red and freezing up in my words and thoughts as I hear about it. Its not so directly triggering that I get flashbacks or anything like that (I never experienced physical abuse, but it feels close enough to sexual violence to hit close to home), but there's still a deer-in-headlights/righteous indignation response that I"m having that is interfering with my ability to think clearly and do my work properly (which entails giving referrals for rent/legal aid/job search/food stamps/etc services in the area). Do any of you have experience in this kind of thing, and if so, how did/would you handle it?

The weird thing is, part of me feels kind of *good* to be able to relate to these women in this way - like we have some sort of sisterhood, but I know that I get stuck there for 20min to an hour afterwards, and taht doesn't feel so good.

And now, I am going to sleep.

Thanks again, lovelies. You mean so much to me.

**Love and Light**

~Alison

x-posted to my personal journal for memory purposes:)