October 30th, 2006

duffle

(no subject)

Each year in the run up to the anniversary of my last (big) assault I get some sort of emotional mess going on.

First year I got terrified. Last year I mourned.
This year I am getting furious every other minute and viciously sarcastic whenever I open my mouth. I don't particularly like myself, and I've no idea how to apologise to everyone having to share oxygen with me atm without dumping my history all over them.

I'm not happy.

learning to fly

Sometimes i really don't know what to do. Do i want to continue living or just end it all? I'm sure some of you feel like that too. I've had a pretty hard life, being sexually, emotionally and i suppose you can say ritually abused too. I was also badly bullied because i was talented and clever. It took me a while to believe that the bullying wasn't my fault, but infact they were only jealous.
After the abuse and bullying, i became severely depressed. I cut, turned to bulimia and anorexia and became fearful of everything around me.
The person who abused me was my grandad. The abuse lasted for 8 years and i still don't talk about it. The details are too disturbing and i suppose i'm ashamed of some things.
One thing that i found helpful for my healing was a sheet that you basically fill out and keep so you can look back further down the line to see if your thoughts and feelings have changed.
I've filled mines out and if you wish, you can fill yours out too, just go onto my profile.x

(no subject)

Hi. I'm new. ::waves::

I'm having a tough couple of weeks, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. This time of year is always really difficult for me, as it triggers lots of memories and feelings that I'd rather not face. This year it has been especially tough because I am in my first year of a very demanding PhD program.

The trouble is this: I know that I am very, very blessed. So many incest survivors will never recover enough to do the things that I am able to do with my life. I have a wonderful partner, stable finances, reasonably good physical health, and good employment prospects (assuming I can finish the PhD). I recognize how lucky I am to have those things, and I don't want to let down the other survivors who (through no fault of their own) will never have the chance to have so much. But that doesn't mean that it isn't really hard. I still have so many, many days where I have no motivation, where my emotions threaten to overwhelm me at any second. I still live with depression and PTSD symptoms every day, and they do interfere with my ability to function. I have an excellent therapist and a very nice psychiatrist who monitors my meds, and we all do the best we can. But I feel as though I will never be able to keep up with the "rest of the world", the ones who don't have the sort of stressors in their life that we survivors have. No one else in my program seems to feel as burnt out as easily as I do; they seem to be at ease in social situations, comfortable interacting with the professors, happily close to their families. Maybe that's not the case, but it seems that way to me. I, instead, am stressed out just by attending class; I am terrified of interacting with my professors, because I have a history of breaking down in tears when I deal with male authority figures, and I don't want to do that this time; I find a phone call from my parents to be so triggering that it can leave me in a dissociated state for the rest of the day.

My psychiatrist suggested today that I register with the disabilities services office at my school, so that I can drop back to fewer classes at a time if I need to do so. That's how I managed to survive college, but college is a different atmosphere than grad school. I'm worried that if I take fewer classes, people will notice, and they will want to know why. Everyone in our program takes exactly the same courseload every semester for two years. If I deviate from that schedule, it won't go unnoticed. I just don't know how I would explain it to people - I like to keep my privacy, and I don't want to have to disclose my history just to get them to leave me alone. I don't know. What do you all think? Are any of you in a graduate program, or have any of you completed one? Or have any of you had to take a lot of time off from work? How did you deal with it?

P.S. - Can I just say that I hate the Halloween themed LJ header? And I hate their presumption that anyone who didn't like it was just trying to spoil their fun? I find Halloween very triggering and I hate that I can't remove that banner from the top of my journal. :(
Trust

(no subject)

I made some great progress in therapy today.

I haven't been going that long, so really, my therapist is just getting to know me and the situations that caused me to need therapy.

In all previous sessions, we've kind of tiptoed around my molestation and abuse, but today we really started to work through it. It was too hard for me to talk about, so she asked me if it was okay if I wrote a bit down. I did that - not details, you know - I'm not at that point yet - but just a general overview, so she knows how best to help me. I was able to do it, which made me proud of myself.

Also, for the first time, I'm happy my abuse/molestation happened the way it did. That sounds kind of strange, but what I mean by that is, that by law, she doesn't have to report it, because the age difference was not significant enough to be considered under law. That was a great relief to me, because I've been worried about the law getting involved. It's a loophole that I'm glad exists, because I can get all the treatment and such that I need without having to constantly worry about saying something that may make her realize that she has to report it.

We also talked a bit about disociation, which was also very much needed. I had figured out on my own that I had probably disociated during my abuse/molestation, and that I have been disociating regularly during my recovery. She was able to confirm that, because she noticed that I was starting to disociate, even when I wasn't aware of it. It's so weird, how people will notice that I'm "spacing out", and I won't even realize it until they tell me...

So anyhow, I'm just glad I made progress, and even though right now I'm having the "must get worse before it gets better" aftereffects of talking with her, I'm glad I did. She asked me if I would be okay dealing with them, and I said that I would... and I am. I'll get through it...

Not sure if this made all that much sense, but I'm just glad to be able to say that I've made progress. It's been a while since I have, and finally moving three steps forward instead of the usual one-forward-two-back is certainly motivating.